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MUSIC PAGE
What I'm listening to. (Featuring Comments!)
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Wednesday, October 29, 2003 03:28 a.m.
Hooray for music.
It is only music that I live for. No other reason, I think.
Approaches does the day of Halloween. The 4th day of significance in which I shall be alone.
And its painful.
I try my best to keep everything away from me, but it doesnt work. Things ALWAYS are coming into mind.
Why does she have to be off with someone? Why do things that have anything to do with her even in the LEAST bit, or have anything to do with who I was hurt so much? I'm sure she doesnt have that problem. It just seems unfair.
Junkie XL - Beauty Never Fades haunts my soul.
Its track 8 off of the Animatrix Soundtrack, if you're not familiar with it on its own. I just need to loop from 2:20 to the end of the song over and over again.....
Still been watching Enterprise to try to evade everything that is reality. Sometimes, it helps. There are some TERRIBLE episodes, but season 2 generally has some really good character episodes. I dont think theres a character on the show that I dont like. Even T'Pol has gotten interesting. Smallville still is awesome. And 24 is badass. Nights are still very hard, though. Even with Enterprise, i'm up until 8am, and even then, its hard to sleep.
I cant wait for Interstella 5555's release. I just hope it doesnt hurt. It had better not. I cant see Millenium Actress because of her. She'd better not haunt Interstella 5555. Thats mine. She cant have it.
Yes, if it werent for it being music integrated, i'd probably not go see it. I adore music.
Even the songs that hurt.
And I cannot play Soul Calibur at all anymore. It hurts as well. It makes me sick to play it. To look at it.
My tortured existence, dragging onward, towards nothing.
Mood : Haunted. Gothic.
Music : Ill Nino - How Can I Live
Quote : "Do you think of me?
Do you dream of me?
I always dream about you."
Thursday, October 23, 2003 02:54 a.m.
Lots of things. Lots of things in my head. Pain everywhere. I dont feel very well, at all. Now is not the time to go through all of this. Read backlogs. Its in there somewhere. I doubt its anything new. I'll just leave this. This, which repeats in my head, over and over and over and over. Its a beautiful song.
I HAVE COME TO INDECISION
SOMEONE IS PUSHING ME
ALL THE CITIES, SUBWAYS, RIVERS
NO DIRECTION LEFT FOR ME
I HAVE LOST MY WAY HOME EARLY
I DON'T CARE 'CAUSE I WON'T STAY THERE
ALL I HEAR IS THIS SILENT WHISPER
WILL YOU BE HERE AGAIN
IMAGINATION TAKES THE SHADOWS AWAY
EVERYDAY I'VE BEEN WITHOUT YOU
IMAGINATION KEEPS THE SHADOWS AWAY
EVERDAY I STAY WITHOUT YOU
TOO MANY TIMES, WITHOUT YOU
I HAVE SEEN YOUR EYES IN PURPLE
I HAVE SEEN YOUR EYES IN BLUE
ALL THE FLOWERS, TEARS AND FACES
ALL THE DAYS I SPENT WITH YOU
AGAIN AND AGAIN I'VE BEEN ESCAPING
I'VE BEEN LOST IN THE DARK I FEAR
CAN YOU HEAR THIS SILENT WHISPER
WILL YOU BE HERE AGAIN
IMAGINATION TAKES THE SHADOWS AWAY
EVERYDAY I'VE BEEN WITHOUT YOU
IMAGINATION KEEPS THE SHADOWS AWAY
EVERDAY I STAY WITHOUT YOU
TOO MANY TIMES, WITHOUT YOU
CHOOSE AND CHANGE YOU SAY
HOW CAN YOU LET THIS RUN AWAY
SEE THE STORMS THROUGH YOUR BROKEN WINDOW
SEE THE BEAUTY OF THE FALLING RAIN
EVERYDAY I'VE BEEN WITHOUT YOU
EVERYDAY SHADOW FOLLOWS ME
CAN'T YOU SEE YOU LEFT YOUR TRACES
IN TOO MANY FACES
IMAGINATION TAKES THE SHADOWS AWAY
EVERYDAY I'VE BEEN WITHOUT YOU
IMAGINATION KEEPS THE SHADOWS AWAY
EVERDAY I STAY WITHOUT YOU
TOO MANY TIMES, WITHOUT YOU
Xymox - Imagination
I've always loved Xymox....
I wish Imagination would take the shadows away...
But the imagination isnt there anymore...
It too, is now a shadow I try to avoid...
Wednesday, October 22, 2003 04:16 a.m.
yeah. Great. So, like, I'm sitting here, and i'm zoneing out all day, because, like, i'm totally mentally shut down, things are affecting me, and i'm not working through things very well.
And I look up, and the green goes out on my monitor.
Its like, ok. I lose the only thing in the world I care about, and NOW I lose virtually the only thing keeping me even REMOTELY distracted from my problems. My 29 inch monitor that allows me to watch things comfortably. The ONLY monitor I own that does more than 800x600.
So, now, I"m stuck with this small monitor, and I cant really watch anything on it comfortably, and now theres no reason to even be in this room, save the sound system. I dont talk to ANYONE online anymore, so my computer was just my minor savior of media that keeps me even PARTIALLY sane from all these things, and now I've lost my only display device I care about.
Seriously. If there was *1* thing in the frelling universe that fate could take from me that affects me even remotely after losing HER, this would be it.
And if people say "look at the bright side", i'm just going to elbow drop them.
What bright side is there? I mean, I already dont want my life..... what else could you take from me? MY hearing? I dont care for anything else. So, like, yeah, OH YAY, I HAVE MY HEARING, I"M SO GOD DAMNED THANKFUL. JOY! LIFE IS GREAT! YAY!
Fuck the world.
Fuck fate.
And fuck HER.
Mood : Guess.
Music : .Hack//sign - The World (extra ver)
Quote : "You are here alone again
In your sweet insanity
All too calm, you hide yourself from reality
Do you call it solitude? Do you call it liberty?
When all the world turns away to leave you lonely"
Friday, October 17, 2003 09:57 a.m.
I just had THE MOST DISTURBING DREAM....... while TRYING to sleep.
I was at my parents house. But this is different, its not the same at all. Its all different. There are little things here and there that I dont remember. I never fully remember. I just have to get this out now.
I was there with someone. Not sure who, some girl I was getting close with. I think it might have been someone I know. But the feelings I got from her were changing. At some times, she seemed a lot more sister like than anything (later in the dream). Earlier, it was someone I liked, and was moving closer to, and wanting to spend some physical time with. I think it was supposed to be someone. Not sure.
Anyway, we're alone at times, and we get close to each other. And we start intaking each others breath, as you do when you're about to kiss. Just breathing each other in. And she feels shes not ready for this sort of thing. And I tell her, that I wasnt sure, but I actually am. But we stop. Time progresses, dont know, and we're watching tv, then we're in the kitchen, and theres some parody thing we're sorta acting out in the dreamlike music state that only dreams make. Like some thing we were watching on TV like sound of music, only at the beginning of this part when we enter into the kitchen, and we go through the cabinets and the fridge looking for food, and we progress further into the kitchen until i get to a cabinet that was VERY HIGH and was FULLL of glasses, but also had these little stacked toys / dolls in them. The cabinet was partially opened and the glasses were hanging off the sides of the ledges, so i try to close the cabinet slowly, to put them back on the shelf, cause they're too high to reach, and to close the cabinet. As I'm doing so, the shelves start moving backwards, and I cant see them anymore. When I reopen the cabinet I see that all the stacked dolls have fallen over, and some have broken.
I try to put them back together, to restack them, but they're not going to go. They wont stand on the ground, and some of them were glued and now the bottoms of their feet are broken. AFter a while, I give up, and I sit back on the couch, and am watching TV. An ad commerical comes on for these things, this "toy" or whatever, and theres lots of details about these dolls, etc, that i dont have to explain about. Regardless, I'm feeling bad, etc about it, trying to sleep, cant, etc. And its morning, and my mom wakes up. And i'm lying there, cause i cant sleep, and today is my and my friends flight "home". She's getting stuff ready to goto work for her, and stuff for me to take back like some ice trays and some other stuff. I'm watching Sesame Street.
My dad calls in from their bedroom saying that I'm too loud, cause like, i tried to turn down the tv, but at 0 it was still too loud, and it only got louder when I went UNDER 0 on the volume (it could goto -3). so, I got up into the kitchen to close his door, per request, and my mom was in the kitchen, with the stuff she was preparing. She had gone into the garage, and its late now, and shes late for work, and she got the car started, but like, is still dealing with this stuff. As I'm in the kitchen, I start explaining to her that the cabinet was open and things were going to fall over and that I tried closing it and these dolls fell over and I walk over to the cabinet to show her.....
And the dolls are all stacked.
And I'm like.......but..... they were broken, and I start getting very confused, and a little in shock, and I walk over to the living room area, and look at the tv, and think about the past night, and all the events that occured and how they broke, and the transgression of events, and how much of my life to that point was made up, and my mom tries to understand this, and this occurs for a little amount of time, and I walk back and forth, pacing, trying to figure it out, and walk back to the cabinet, and look in....
And the dolls are broke.
At this point, in my dream, my jaw is open, but everything is seen through my eyes, so icant see it. I can only feel it. And my vision gets funky, and I feel my body start to go limp. And I stumble about. At this point, I do not see my mom, but I know she went into the garage, which is past a counter next to the cabinet, so, I limp my body over there, with a messed vision, going over and over in my head. They werent broke, now they are, they werent broke, now they are, and in the garage, is only darkness, and I cant find her, and I cant deal with any of this.
I'm losing my mind, my perception of all. Everything is wrong. I cant deal with any of this. I cant handle it. All these feelings flood, and my vision blurs. Its hard to see and I have to force my eyes open (like when I was young and going to Astroworld and the sun was bright that I COULDNT open my eyes for like 5 minutes so I walked around in a daze) but I can only see a blured angled state of things, and I cant keep my body up for much longer. Its limp, and forced at an angle, and I'm doing as much as I can to stand. And I'm repeating to myself in my head the events of this, and wondering how things really are....
And I head just to my right to sit down in a chair at a table. I'm staring at the wall, and I think my mom is over here, and I need to be held, bad. I'm staring, blurred, with my head against my shoulder and one of my hands forced against my head (with the back of my hand against my cheek, in a very awkward steven hawking angle), and I cant MOVE any of this. I'm forced, stuck in this position, and my mind is going in ONE circle,a nd I cant deviate and I'm losing my mind.
And I want to be held. I NEED to be held. It is the only thing that can SAVE ME. THIS HURTS, AND MY MIND IS BROKE, AND GOING IN A LOOP AND MY BODY DOESNT FUNCTION AND I CANT SEE AND I NEED TO BE HELD, AND I WANT TO GET UP AND GO INTO THE ROOM WHERE MY FRIEND IS SO SHE CAN HOLD ME, AND I NEED THAT........ I NEED TO GET UP TO HER SO SHE CAN HOLD ME AND TELL ME ITS OK BUT I CANT MOVE. I FUCKING CANT MOVE. AND I'M STARING AT THE WALL IN THIS BLURRED STATE, AND I NEED HER AND I CAN NOT GET UP.
And my mind starts understanding that i'm not able to get up out of the chair, and I start calling out "mom" because she is supposed to be right here, or at least I thought she was right there....and I start turning around and around, looking for her in progressively blurred vision. And I turn around and around, and dont see her, and I continue to call out "mom........mom", and I want to call out my friends name, but I dont know who she is, and I cant get up, even though I want to get up. I cant move from this atrophied position, and can only turn.
Then, I start realizing that I'm not actually calling out "mom". I'm TRYING to, but cant speak. I start trying to yell it, scream it, MOVE MY MOUTH, but I cant. I start frantically trying it, TRYING TO GET UP, but I cant, and I turn, looking, and start calling to the wall, the wall, that I only see.
I think I've been calling "mom" but I cant speak, and I've gone insane. I cant deal with the fact that I cant move, I cant deal with any of this. I cant fathom, and it breaks my mind that I cant GET UP AND THAT THESE WORDS ARENT COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH, NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, ITS NOT WORKING.
And I realize that I havent been turning at all. My blurred vision remains, and I've been staring at the wall the entire time since I sat down, and have only been thinking I was turning, but in reality, my mind was going in circles and trying to do all of this stuff, but i was stuck, staring, my mind going in a visual loop, repeating a slight movement, a small pan across a clock on the wall, over and over and over and over again. And it hurts, and I WANT TO DIE, I'M STUCK IN A LOOP. AND I CANT SPEAK AND THE LOOP NEVER BREAKS.
And I look at the clock. Its a wood clock, with hands. And the hands, as far as I could tell, were 10:00
Somehow, I break out of it, and wake up.
And I lie there, and realize that my music stopped, and I lie in place and try to calm myself, and straighten the thoughts out, and am staring, wondering if someone is watching me. And I try to move, and cant. And FORCE myself to move after a few seconds.
And my music starts playing again.
And I turn on my monitor and wait for it to power up, staring at the lower right hand corner of the screen for the clock.
And the time reads 9:55
And then I start to type this. And its now 10:30.
I tried to goto sleep about 8-830. However, I was forcing myself, because I wasnt passing out.
Told you bad things occur in my mind when I try to sleep without physically passing out.
Just THIS TIME it didnt feature HER.
It sucks to be alone at a time like this, though.
Mood : Frightened.
Music : Paul Oakenfold - Tranceport
Friday, October 17, 2003 06:43 a.m.
I have this rampant urge to give affections to someone. A yet undying urge to tell someone I love them. I guess these are things I need to learn to suppress. These things cloud the mind, and formulate obsessions. Being lost in obsessions, one is confused. Things are not "true", yet you want to act upon them. This complicates matters.
The urge to say "I love you" is something that I dont understand. I guess I have two problems going on. One is a total lack of physical contact. Showing affections. Wanting to do various things, simple things like holding someones hand, etc to more advanced things like giving massages, etc. I was watching Enterprise, and Hoshi was sad, and I was like, man, if I was there, i'd give her a massage. She'd feel better. Desires to sit around with someone, and watch stuff. All of that. I either have to act upon them, or suppress them. Put them aside. Its a little hard to do now though.
I was talking with someone random in the arcade today about relationships. He's all set, doesnt care about anything. He's ok with himself, and what he wants. Has no need or desire for a relationship, and is dedicated to fullfilling his life without someone. I was envious. But then, I thought, no. I was this way. I was this complete, and didnt need anything, anyone. I was myself, and thats all that mattered.
This was before her.
Now, I'm left broken. It would be fine if she had just left. Had just gone. But she didnt just go, she took me with her. I have no self image, no ME. Its hard to create a completeness, a world where you require nobody, when you yourself arent complete. When you dont understand yourself, you can not understand anything else. This is how I was before I went to Japan. In as much as I am now, theres no way I can live by myself without being ok with myself. How I was back THEN...... I couldnt love without being ok with myself. I envy Steve...
I guess i'm screwed...
But now i'm digressing. Or have been for some time now.
Back to problem two.
This urge to tell someone "I love you".
This just dumbfounds me. It probably doesnt have one specific trigger, one reason. Its probably a mixture of many things. I've never shown affection without love. Never had a relationship without love. And never been in a state without love since I opened myself up to emotions. Also, every day is a reoccuring nightmare. Every day I have problems, dreams, images, thoughts. Every day I wish this isnt real. The emotional cascade comes, then goes, inching ever closer day after day until it comes again, like the tides.
Every day, I cant let go.
Every day, I can not say good bye.
I still feel she's mine.
I still wish she was mine.
Of course, there might be even some other reasons I cant begin to figure out. I dont know why I'm not thinking I want to tell HER I love her, but I just want to tell someone. Possibly, its because of the mindset I'm in, that i'm acting some sort of "projection", some wacked psychiatric textbook example of some famous PH. D. endowed fetish freak's psychoanalysis of the human psyche. His "lifes work" thats some theory that is so generalistic that it can be shaped and molded into any situation? I digress again.
Anyway, I guess enough probing into my own mind with a popsicle for one night. I'll let the scientists who have stuck electrodes into monkeys brains that now allow the monkeys to manipulate robotic appendages do that to me. I really should volunteer for that sort of research. Cant go wrong with getting cut up into 1mm segments then scanned over and over again to put your face (well, the cross section of it) into history.
I've been downloading music like a madman. I also spent some of my living money on some demo cds that I really shouldnt have spend, cause I have like VIRTUALLY NO MONEY left, and i'm buying cds. Oh well. I got some really good music out of it. And without music, i'd probably die.
Anyway, i was going though some old music, trying to remember how cool I once was, and figure out these bands to find more music of, etc, etc, ramble ramble ramble. Anyway, I came back across my Lush cd's, which I had put away because of pain,etc. So like some time ago, I was listening to some, and came across a song that is like, yeah. Well, it explains HER. HER mindset, and how shes WANTING to be, but cant because yeah. Well, the song explains it.
Single girl, I don't want to be a single girl
Single girl, I don't want to be a single girl
Don't want to be on my own again tonight
Don't want to put out the light
Single girl, I don't want to be a single girl
Single girl, who would want to be a single girl
Don't want to talk to myself again tonight don't want to
put out the light
When you abandoned me
Well, it was heaven sent
When I abandoned you
It was what you meant
Well, it was me that knew it
And it was you that went
Haven't changed our minds it was meant to be
Don't want to clean up your mess again tonight
Don't want to be in a fight
And I can do what I want again tonight
With who I choose, it's alright
Single girl, I just want to be a single girl
Lush - Single Girl
Anyway, I dont think I really need to explain it, but I will anyway, for the slow, or for those who skipped ahead, and didnt read. SHAME. Its a transition, change of viewpoint. Lush does that a lot, and its great. At first, she's lonely, and doesnt want to be single anymore.
Don't want to be on my own again tonight
Don't want to put out the light
Yeah, well, then she gets into a relationship, and realizes that all the things that have to be done, all the day to day events arent worth it. She'd rather be on her own again. So, she wants to be single again. Self explanatory, but I just wanted to go into an explanation. This is HER theme song. She didnt want to be in a relationship with me, and wanted to be by herself. So, she does this, for about 2 weeks, or so, and realizes that she's lonely. She wants affections, etc. So, she wanders into a relationship, forgetting the fact that she wants to be single. But now, she wants that again, but doesnt have the strength to be.
Grrrrr......I digress....
I cant keep myself on one topic, and end up going off on tangents I shouldnt even be. OH GOD. I hit the ESC key and NEARLY lost ALL OF THIS. Not that it really matters, cause what good is any of this doing? I guess it keeps me from abusing certain people. I should have continued doing this from the start, instead of using someone as a backbone. Hooray for even further complicating things.
Anyway, I guess this "book" of sorts is my legacy. Something that will exist, beyond me. Since, at currently, I will achieve nothing in this existance, save creating pain. I should rename this blog "Document - Proof of life." Of course when english is a dead language and all the silicon has decayed past any recoverable substance, and all data is returned to its true electron form, this will be gone anyway. Unless data is the transcendence. Then all that is here, all that is "documented" becomes reality. What is lies, what is written, becomes the real, the memories. And when ones look back upon us, they dont see what we achieved, or our dreams. They only see the process... "Its better to burn out, then to fade away!". Well, at current I'm doing neither. The Kurgan had the right idea. With a few staples in my neck and a half shaved head, I might have a chance in this life.
Mood : In Passing...
Music : Assemblage 23 - Document
Quote : "This is a document
To prove that I was here
This is a document
To prove I was at all
And when my voice ceases to be
Will the echo still ring loudly?
And when there's nothing left of me
Will my memory still go on?"
Sunday, October 12, 2003 02:17 a.m.
Yet again, I'm reduced back to Zero. Every time, Every time I think I can get things going again, something occurs. I think of something. I obsess about things. I cant function. I cant get past this point. I dont think I want to.
I'm half. Im missing my other part.
I cant associate with ANYONE anymore. I have no point of reference, no framework of personality. I did all I could, and gave it all away. Worked everything I could, then became one with someone. Without that other half, I am missing. I am gone. I am slipped through time, a relic. Part of a different world entirely. One filled with happiness and completeness. A sharing of worlds. "RAKUEN" Paradise.
I'm lonely. I'm dead. I dont feel for anyone, I dont want to. I just want this existance to end. I cant end it, I'm too stubborn. I want someone to take it from me.
I rely on people too much. I rely on Candice too much. She has her problems, and Im not helping with those any. If I cant really go a day without talking to her, what good am I? She has someone she loves. Why am I trying to monopolize her time. Because talking to her, hanging out with her, makes me feel better? Makes me forget my pain? Its co-association, distraction. At what cost? Fucking up her life? Its not love. Why sit, obsessing, trying to make myself be "happy" for a few minutes / hours at a time, while at the same time, fucking her life up? I dont want to be that way. Why enter a "relationship" without love?
I dont want to be any way. I want the past. I see no future. I've caused my share of pain. Lived my life. Time to move on. To something different. Transcend the physical plane, mortal realm.
I'm lonely.
I sleep alone.
Nobody to hold my head, and let me cry.
Nobody to whisper to me that everythings going to be alright.
Nobody to pet my head.
No person to hold in the dark, and watch things that make me think, listen to things that make me dream.
Laughing without an audience......
Crying without sympathy....
Anger without an outlet....
Day to Day life is worthless. And I have no purpose.
I wish I could be with her again. I doubt I could stand that. Every time I think about her, every time I would look at her, I'd see HIM. I dont think I could live with that. I already tried, for 5 years, with her previous boyfriend. I put that away finally, It kept reoccuring, but maybe once every few months.
This is different. Bigger. More Painful.
I used to think the most painful words she ever said to me was "I have to stay with him one more night". Now, I KNOW its "I still love you, I just cant be with you now."
And the last time I saw her.....
I still hate how these "people" are telling her "He mistreated you". Fucking, they dont know HER. They dont know ME. They dont know our relationship.
I gave her strength. A strength she never had, something she never would have had. If I hadnt done that, she never would have ever tried to break away from me. I made her what quasi-independant she is. Why, cause I'm some god, thinking i'm greater than her?! Fuck anyone who says that. I've never seen myself as greater than her. I've just seen what she COULD be, and tried to help her achieve that.
Frank told me "You expect perfection out of everyone." Out of myself? Yes. I tried to deny out of everyone else. But then I realized that it was true. But not "perfection". Just their "potential". I see potential in people, and I'm not satisfied until they achieve that.
If people viewed my actions towards Kim as "manipulative", or "commandeering", FUCK YOU.
Live your god damned lame menial existance. I was trying to make her achieve her dreams. Just because YOU dont have any, FUCK OFF.
But I still sit here......digressing, not getting anywhere. Life is no good, no fun. There is no enjoyment in anything. Just a few things, that make me remember a world that I once imagined, something I once had, dreams of what life was supposed to be. I wish I could have enjoyed my time in Japan. I wish Kim was there. I wish many things. Wishing doesnt help. Neither does living.
I'm lonely. I'm not a single entity. I probably never will be. I want some new relationship, to hide in, to hide the pain. I search for this daily. To not sleep alone anymore. To hold someone. However, I dont want this either. I dont want anyone. I want my Kim back. But she doesnt exist anymore...
I wish I could think of her as just dead, so i could go on, and live OUR dreams out for us. However, that doesnt work. Cause even if she were, I'd remember HIM.....
And all MY dreams / OUR dreams. They'd still hurt. There are things I cant do, things I cant watch, because they were OURS.
Her birthday presents.....I cant watch them.
I wanted to.....I SO wanted to. But I cant. They're OURS.
How does one move on when everything *I WAS* became OURS, and now is too painful to deal with?
Sometimes, I think I can go on. Think that I dont need her, never did, and that I can do anything I want. This only really occurs around people. Then nighttime comes, darkness, and everyone goes home. And I'm sitting here until 7am, and I try to sleep, but the images invade my mind. And I know I cant continue with the charade. And I'm back to nothing again.
Someone, find me someone. A person i can show things to, entertain. Someone I can hold, and talk with. A person interested in me. A person with dreams. Dreams I can share.
Mine are too painful...
...and all the rest I gave away...
I found this person once. I made her run away. She found someone else who touches her soul. She didnt need me as much as I need her. She doesnt just touch my soul, she is my soul.
Mood : Subhuman
Music : BT - Satellite
Quote : "She smells of the sun
and she's constantly saying
that's it's all right,
because lies sound so nice.
And like soil to seed goes
to casting my fears aside..."
Wednesday, October 1, 2003 05:48 a.m.
Yeah, if only Lyrics could have just fixed stuff, told people stuff. This is a song I listened to pre stuff happening, and I liked it.......cause i thought it was cool lyrically, the bits I understood........but FUCK if I knew how much it explained me.
Thanks, lyrics, for fucking explaining this stuff NOW. Music = me. Told you this page would become lyrics posted.
I wish like, when i was sitting screaming lyrics, she would have listened to WHAT it was I was screaming. Whatever......
At The End - IIO
When you're away, I'm feeling empty
I lose my mind
But when you're around, I take for granted
Most of our time
Honey you say that I'm cold
And sometimes I'm out of control
Baby, you know how I am, at the end, you're always mine
I don't mean to when I hurt you
But I need you, I can show you
Just let me be when I'm crazy,
At the end you're still my only.
At the end [x3]
Right when you're gone, I really miss you
You got my heart.
When you come back, I just wanna kiss you
And it tears you apart.
Honey do make me stay,
Believe me it's better this way.
Baby I'm true and I'm real.
I'm giving you all that I feel.
I don't mean to when I hurt you
But I need you, I can show you
Just let me be when I'm crazy,
At the end you're still my only.
I don't mean to when I hurt you
But I need you, I can show you
Just let me be when I'm crazy,
At the end you're still my only.
Sweety, I'm trying my best,
To give you the most and the less.
Darling, I'm true and I'm real,
I'm giving you all that I feel.
[Chorus x2]
.....................................................
Sometimes, I wonder how I make it through every day. I havent. Every day, I die.
Because of this? Not all the time....
Because, whats left? What is there to strive for? Theres no goal, no end. Its all pointless.
Only that sometimes.
The futility of existence dumbfounds me.
And then theres this proposed entity of "Love".....
Which ends up being an obsession, nothing more.
You just mold it and shape it into what you wish....
...and believe what ever fantasy you desire....
......until someone proves you wrong.....
....then it all cascades....falling.....crashing....down...
At what point does a friendship become obsession or lust, or possibly "love?". Once any physical barrier is surpassed. Symmantics determines which word you use. That, and the rating of emotional pain it takes to remove yourself from that "relationship" and progress further. Follow up relationships dampen the pain, and therefore something that may have been "love" ends up being cast off as "lust", or whatever.....
But in the end, its all words. Symmantics. Touch....
.....and we "move on"....
...to nothing......oblivion....
leading fruitless lives, in a universe of perceptions.
Mood : ---------
Music : Iio - At the end
Quote : "I love you, I just cant be with you now."
Wednesday, September 17, 2003 09:14 p.m.
Smallville is probably one of the best shows on TV now.
Things are presented in a way that make you wish that your life had meaning.
Through an expanse of time, some events did happen to me.
Unfortunately, I let the events play out, instead of acting.
I had a chance......
Music plays a major part in displaying properly emotions in events.
Most of this blog ends up being the "music" of my life, were I to be displayed in a dramatic format.
The following is further an example of such :
Here by my side, an angel
Here by my side, the devil
Never turn your back on me
Never turn your back on me, again
Here by my side, it's heaven
Here by my side, you are destruction
Here by my side, a new colour to paint the world
Never turn your back on it
Never turn your back on it again,
Here by my side, it's heaven
Careful, be careful
Careful, be careful
This is where the world drops off
Where the world drops off
Careful, be careful
You breathe in and you breathe out
For it ain't so weird,
How it makes you a weapon
And you give in
and you give out
For it ain't so weird
How it makes you a weapon
Never turn your back on it
Never turn your back on it again
Careful, be careful
Here by my side, it's heaven
Here by my side, it's heaven
Here by my side, it's heaven
Matthew Good Band - Weapon
The things you care for, are worth living for. They're worth dying for. They're worth risking everything. Once one has given up on these things, what point is the rest of everything? Dreams become worthless, unsubstanciated. Empty. "Living" is to proceed towards something, FOR something. Self Preservation is just existance. And pure existance is worthless.
Without dreams, we all might as well be dead.
Love perpetuates Dreams....
...the loss of which shatters Dreams.
So, one HAS to cling to something, or falter...
...which leads back to Self Preservation, and just existing without purpose...
so, without Dreams, without Love, without purpose, we wither, and die...
slowly, inside...
...all the while telling ourselves "I do what I have to, to get by"...
Time doesnt heal wounds....you just get used to the pain.
Mood : --------
Music : Matthew Good Band - Weapon
Quote : "I love you Clark. I WILL NOT give up on you."
Note : Happy late birthday to me.
Saturday, September 6, 2003 04:28 a.m.
Alright. You want to know something? This is stupid. It is retarded for me to go on like this. Why should *I* always be the nice guy? Why should I retain this NICE personality of mine? Why should *I* always be the "Friend", get screwed over, get walked upon? Why cant *I* be the one who doesnt hold remorse for actions, be the one always thinking about consequences?
Why cant *I* be the one not regretting a damn thing?!
So, you know? Fuck it. Fuck this. I'm no longer "ME". Nobody else knows about this personality. Nobody around, who would care. Anyone around wont care if I go off and do stupid things, go off and fuck around, go do whatever. It doesnt affect them emotionally at all. They're just friends. I'll still be a friend. I just wont be all fucking supernice, the "heart of gold". I'll have my own little fucking "Experiences", just like everyone else.
If Im fucking being FORCED to believe that there is someone else who I can love, who can love me, like Kim and I had, then fucking i'd be retarded to think that there isnt someone out there who would love me in the same way, DESPITE the things that I'm going to go do.
I'm superdoubtful that even the prior is ever going to happen, so why hold myself back?
If there is ANYONE OUT THERE who would be emotionally hurt by my "self depreciation" that I am most likely about to undergo, you'd better say so now. Because doing as such isnt going to hurt me. I've already lost everything.... theres nowhere else for me to go.
If I dont do these things, then I'll probably never progress forward. I have to unbecome "HER JASON". I have to become something new. Something else.
Something damaged.
Mood : --------
Music : Smile Empty Soul - Bottom of a Bottle
Quote : "Been scared and lonely
I've asked myself
Is something wrong with you
My girlfriend told me
I need some time alone to deal with issues
Something makes me carry on
It's difficult to understand
What I always wanna find
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom
Of a bottle"
Thursday, September 4, 2003 01:31 a.m.
Alright. I fear updating this thing now, as I never know the mood its going to set myself into. I never know what to post either. I never get everything out. I guess thats why I continue to return here...to this place...to my hole...
I guess I can start with the straight facts about AnimeFEST, and from there, tangents will be discovered, and I will probably be shot with the emotional Rail Gun of which I've been staring down the barrel for a matter of days, deftly continuing to evade by random discussion to keep the triggerman occupied.
And so, we begin...
I would go as far to say that AnimeFEST was more fun than Tulsa's Soul Calibur Gathering. Of course, in one way, Tulsa was better, since I got to see friends which I hadnt talked to since Nationals. However, AnimeFEST allowed me to meet people that I have never seen before, as well as meet 2 people of which I havent seen since the Anime Club stuff at U of H....
Starting out at AnimeFEST, I knew, essentially, once person. Because of my inept self, and because I guess I should be helping Oni-Con out if I'm going to be doing that for real, I tagged along with her to the Oni-Con table, and continued to sit there all day sorta meeting everyone coming by. First stepping stone achieved. Become familiar.
I met up with Abaddon around now (one of the Soul Calibur players), and we were hanging out looking to Scrubbust the convention. Eventually we did, and everyone sucked, and we ended up playing at his house or over at someone elses house for hours (VS Blaze and ICE), and yes, I suck. However, he is really good, and my VS Ivy game is bad.
Back to the convention.
That evening was "opening ceremonies", which wasnt really anything. Sorta boring stuff, and we got to see some MOVE music videos, cause they were gonna perform later in the con (YAY FOR MOVE!!!!!!!!), and then at the end, two girls that go by the names "Ramen and Rice" played various Violin and Cello arrangements of anime and vid game music. Everyone's so quiet about this time, even though they were saying that if people know lyrics or like something, to get into it. About the end of the set, I was like, damnit, some people need to dance to this stuff instead of just like 8 people waving their arms with lighters or whatever. So, I jumped a few rows and totally embarrased this girl by asking her to dance. She accepted (amazingly enough), and we began to dance. Unfortunately, I totally suck at dancing, and like once people started looking at us, I tried to get EVERYONE to dance, leaving her in hopes that someone would jump in with her. So, after finding nobody in my local vacinity, I moved over to the "moving" section, where everone became exited, and one person was gonna dance with me.But the person she was with decided he wanted to dance with her. Then I was warned by security that there is no dancing in the aisles.
Ok, theres no dancing, but you can light up FIRE in a public place!!?!?!?! The frell?!!?!?!?
Anyway, then I became the center of attention, and I continued to attempt to get people excited. Which came to nothing. Huzzah. So, after apologizing to the girl who I embarrased, who seemed very cool about it (I believe her name was Carrie, but I've had problems remembering it all weekend, as I'm like...."ummm.......is it Katie? No?"), Abaddon (i'm going to call him that cause my name is Jason, his name is Jason, and Blaze's name is Jason, not to mention the 23894723984237498 jasons' at the convention, so I use handles for people. Deal, fags) and I stayed around watching the music video entries. Carrie stayed around, and Nell popped in (of who I met earlier running the Oni-Con table). So, Abaddon and I conversed about "Damn, that video sucked my soul out", "What the hell is with the sound?", and "Hey, MJ's (MexicanJunior (Music video creator that Abaddon knows) ) videos are in black and white when they're supposed to be in color!!!", while I gave my normal "you dont know about this stuff? Let me embark upon a symposium as to all of this" speaches about music videos, the music, the animes, and such to Carrie and Nell...
Yes, I rambled. And the rest of everything will probably get short explanations, cause as I progress through this, I"ll get bored. Screw you all.
ANYWAY.......after the night time started occuring, there was a Dance, where I danced for like 3 hours or something, cause music is my friend....loud music....and yes, I cant dance by myself and prolly look stupid, but I care not. Dancing is for dancing is for music is for me. So, then I went to go crash, and that was night 1, I believe. If I missed anything, yeah, I probably did. Blarg.
Day 2 started very late, as when Abaddon and I woke up, we played SC2 for a few hours, and didnt goto the convention until like 4-430pm. Whatever. Nothing going on anyway. We at CICI'S PIZZA! Pizza buffet for life! Frell, I dont remember what went on this day. I think this was the Scrubbustin' day of all hell, upstairs, on some really bad Red Octane SC2 sticks for me, and GC pad for Abaddon (DONT BUY THE RED OCTANE STICKS, UNLESS YOU LIKE 1MM CONTACT POINT (IF THAT) FOR THE DIAGONALS. I COULDNT 236_214 (QCF, QCB), NOR DO ANY 1_3'S (D/F, D/B). Yeah, you try a non 3B Nightmare!!!!!!!!! Scrubbustin' became 66B!!!! :P
Then there was the Anime Music Video panel, where some people that Abaddon knows ran the panel, and we watched music vids, and I was like, awesome. Saw some cool stuff, and heard some really cool music. Because of knowing people who ACTUALLY DO AMV's now, I'm getting back into them. I got out, cause I made my one, but I didnt know people personally who do this. Now that I know people who do, (who do "Iron Chef AMV", where they drink, then have like 1 1/2 hours to edit something together!!!). Yeah, so I'm gonna do stuff, cause I've always liked AMV's but now I have a real outlet.
Went to the MOVE concert!!!! I was loud, and in some corner, and dancing and jumping, and barely anyone there was, and it was funky, and people didnt seem to be getting into it, but it was awesome, and they played Initial D songs (of course)!!!! MOVE!!!!! I tried to yell stuff, and get people to yell stuff, and jump and do the Space Channel 5 japanese person "WOO" yell thing, but nobody knows what i'm talking about.....I SAW THAT IN JAPAN, PEOPLE DO IT, AND FRELL, ITS SOMETHING THATS SCARY WHEN DONE IN MASS, LIKE PARAPARA!!!! Anyway, MOVE is great. They should have NOT had the seats, though, and had a general area for dancing, but they seated us, and that got in the way of the concert. After the concert was another dance, which I partook of, but I think the DJ was worse. He kept dropping the beat, and like putting 2 minute non beat segments in where we were like......ugh......and well.....I suck at dancing, but it was less fun overall the 2nd night. I think this night is when I found that a girl I danced with at the dance on FRI night was named Katie (which furthered my trying to remember Carries name confusion, but at least now I had a basis for going "Its not Katie...")... and well, Dancing ensued. I suck at dancing anyway, and i"m not very good at all...but I can dance for X amount of time, which is fairly long. Woohoo. Blaze showed up this night, with Ice, and they were gonna go play SC with Abaddon, so then I told them i'd leave in an hour, cause I thought I would. Post dance, I was looking to hang out, and found a table with someone I had associated with a few times, so I sat down, trying to interject into late night social circles. I ended up hanging with these people till like 5 something in the morning, we played Car Wars the card game (not the RPG, because its easier that early :P ) and when we were gonna play Munchin, I realized that i REALLY should leave to go play SC cause its 5 something and I told them i'd be there at 1 something....
So, I left to go play SC2 (i.e. "STILL BREATHING", the game). Yeah, then crash time.
Sunday brought forth getting there slightly earlier (noon 30 ish?), so sitting around talking to Chuck (who ended up knowing Mike Diaz, which is wacky as all hell). So, sat around, blarg blarg blarg, wandered around. Went to Cosplay (Why do I torture myself?!!?! I mean, cosplay is fun when you're sitting with 20 people you know. But I was sitting with Abaddon, MJ and Brandy (MJ's girl and music vid creator). So, we were bored. But, then they showed the AMV winners.
Ok. This is where I'll explain 2 of the music vids I really liked.
First, I'll do Brandy's (which one 2nd place for Drama). It was a Cowboy Bebop vid to Coldplay - Clocks. Of course, Coldplay rules, and Cowboy Bebop rules. Both of them together worked really well, visually and lyrically. The video was really good, and I liked it a whole lot. She did this whole Faye montage with her younger year childhood memories thing that was awesome. However, the ONLY complaint I had with the vid that would have made it a TOTALLY AWESOME vid was that there was not much Jet footage really at all, let alone the Ganymede Elegy footage (Jet Character development episode) with him, Alisa, and the broken clock he carried around. It would have worked perfectly, and when I saw this on Friday, not knowing who made it, I thought this. When I asked her, she said that she didnt have the source footage for it. :( We talked with the guy running the AMV contest at some room party that night, and he said it probably would have won (MJ's Grave of the Fireflies AMV won) if it didnt have so much Spike / Julia footage, like every Bebop vid does. :(
The OTHER vid I like, the one that made me cry EVERY FRELLING TIME I WATCHED IT, got Third. It wasnt the best edited vid, but it made me so sad by concept and song. This was done by a member of Mindwarp entertainment (someone else Abaddon knew and was on the panel), and was Gary Jules - Mad World (Tears for Fears cover) to Now and Then, Here and There. WOW. This video was SAD. Its sooooooo sad. Just.........just when it gets released next month online, go download it. Wow... I mean the series is sad, but damn...
Yeah, ok. Back to this stuff.
So, after the Cosplay was finished, hooray for Dance again. This was the worst out of all the nights, as this guy could NOT beat match, could not mix, dropped the beat constantly, tried to mix 2 Daft Punk songs in a row (the hell?) and FAILED (how the hell??!!? they're like automix). YEah, so I didnt dance much, but did some later, just to be in there listening to music. He played some NIN - HEad like a Hole, and some Godsmack - Awake to which I thrashed around, and forgot how much that is enjoyable. Damn you Godsmack for being so cool...
Yeah,well, by the third night, I was like still trying to get Nell to dance, cause she's all not dancing (Carrie danced the first night for a long time, and she came in on her own....and I was like dude, thats Awesome. Nell was in there cause Abaddon and I were in there and she was hanging with us, but she hadnt danced at all, and I was like DANCE DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!) so using Katie's help, Nell danced for a bit, and we were like SUCCESS!!!!! Yeah. So, at least the sunday Dance was Productive. Earlier that day I was in Hospitality cause when nothing was going on I was up there twice in the convention cause when I wandered up there the first time, because I happened to be in the hallway, I was like, oh, if i hang out in here, mainly I can talk to STAFF, which rules. So, i did that, and while I was in there Sunday, Carrie left the convention that day. She helped cover Hospitality. So she wasnt at the dance Sunday. Saturday she was all tired or something. Yeah, and after the dance on Sunday, I didnt see Katie at all either, cause I wanted to say HI!!!!!!!!!!, and be like "YO!" and stuff, so if for some super magical reason through random ass google search or something you come across this,
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah.
So, after the dance, I hung around with the people I hung around with to play carwars (Greg, Emile (Emilie), Brent, Eric and Nolan), and we were talking to Chris Patton (voice actor extrodinarie), and hung out with him all night making gay jokes and we watched Full Metal Panic Vol 1 DUB of which he's the lead character, and just babbled about random ass stuff, and not getting any. Of course, his declaration of "not getting any" is a hell of a lot funnier than ours, since, he's gay. :P So, much fun was had with that, and its awesome to sit around with a bunch of people who are totally cool with that stuff, and many jokes ensued. Greg gave me the only action I saw all weekend by grabbing my ass. YAY!!!!!
Late into the night, we were like Ummmm........lets play MUNCHIN, which is pretty much Joke D&D with cards, and we played for 3 hours and I got picked on and SCREWED OVER SOOOOOOOO MUCH, and got to lvl 9 out of 10, then close to winning again, until people had to pick on me. Dude, we set this HUGE ASS AWESOME trap for the two who killed me, and we HAD THEM, but then the ONE CARD IN THE GAME THAT COULD HAVE SAVED THEM, THEY GOT BY RANDOM PULL, AND FRELL, LIKE 10M INUTES OF STARING, PLANNING, AND BEING REALLY HAPPY WENT TO WASTE.Later we figured out that they couldnt have played that card, and damnit, it was such a great trap. I owned them, and Eric helped by making them HAVE to run away, which means they would have had to roll 3 6's in a row EACH player. GRRRRRRRRRRR.......wow. Anyway....
After Munchkin was done (like 6am or something), I figured I didnt want to sleep, so began to wander around as everyone else went to sleep. Nolan wasnt going to, so we went and watched the first 3 Initial D eps subbed (Im so EXCITED!!!!) :P , then we watched Jungle Wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu DELUXE!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! Randomly watched this, didnt know Guu was a subseries of Jungle WA Itsumo or whatever, never saw Jungle Wa Itsumo, and DAMN its the funniest thing in the world, ESPECIALLY AT 7AM!!!! WOW. Bears humping in the end credits, teacher smashing walls, braking stuff, WOW. Love that crap. Yeah.....so after that , nolan crashed, and I wandered around trying to stay awake. I ran into Xero (webartist, and guest) who was trying to stay awake too, so we went to the grocery store and got food and chilled. Then I went and watched Kamen Rider 555 (Feiz) Subbed. This was totally awesome, as I had only seen it RAW while I was in Japan but I liked it. WOW. The character development they to in Feiz is just sooooooooo badass, I like it even more. It brings Kamen Rider back to something that I thouroughly enjoy. Sentai is good again. YAY!
Yeah, so trying to stay awake, finally people show up, and the whole last bit of the con on monday was sitting around tables talking to people, trying to be social. Yeah. So, i'm such a tagalong that when it was finally time to leave (cause all the cool people were leaving) i tagged along to Bennagins (screw spelling at 2:45am!!!!) and ate with them, then drove to Abaddons, helped him (more like stood around) pack some stuff to move to Austin, fell asleep some while playing SC2 , then drove home (which I wasnt tired for, even though it was a 4 hour drive. AMAZING). Yeah. So, overall the con ruled.
I thought about Kim a few times, but avoided songs, and forced the thoughts OUT OF MY HEAD. I really didnt need that hanging over me the weekend, although I did some explanations, it didnt hurt me as much as it usually does. The sheer distraction of it all kept me sane. Of course, there were parts where I was like GRRRR.
I REALLY wanted to see "return of the cat", the Ghibli Baron animation, and WALKED TO THE FRELLING SHOWING, but when I got there, I saw the Studio Ghibli Totoro blue screen bumper, and TURNED AROUND AND WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM. It reminded me too much of Kim. How we both REALLY wanted to watch that.
Yeah. Well, other than Jungle Wa Itsumo Deluxe, I saw Onegai Twins, which was cool. 2 AM Abaddon and Carrie and I wandered to a showing room and watched it. Wow. I wish life was as exciting as that. Huh? You're maybe my twin. Alright, stay here. WHAT? Dont open the door. NO. Wait. Knock knock. Who are you?What? Maybe my twin too? Dont fall unconscious. I"m in a towel here with 2 girls. Oh well, bring her in too. You both can stay here. DONT SHOW UP AT SCHOOL. This girl likes me here, but i'm oblivious to it. Oh well. Continue on with my life. GRRRR.....no wait, I care for these girls.
I want a japanese school boy life!
Yeah.
Alright, I cant think of anything else here. Theres probably some other great stuff that Im missing that I did, but i'll probably add it to my Livejournal text, cause this one takes form and book writing to update, otherwise it becomes cluttered!!! :P (as if it wasnt already). I heard Ayumi Hamasaki - Evolution like 12 times during the convention,a nd I'm still not tired of it. We watched the live concert footage too. HOOOOOORAY for super fast speaking stuff that makes you all hyper inside. Yeah,and I probably should have totally pimped some females, but I'm too nice or something, and yeah. I guess I know better or something, that anything that I would have gotten myself into would have not been something lasting, or something. I'm not stupid like some people....but I really should be. I frelling deserve it.
Yeah, so I guess I turn this into a brood fest, I'll end this shiz here. [screams] UH-OH!!!!!!
Mood : Splurg.
Music : 30 seconds to Mars - Buddah for Mary
Quote : "Mary was an acrobat
But still she couldn't seem to breathe
Mary was becoming everything she didn't want to be
Mary would hallucinate
And see the sky upon the wall
Mary was the type of girl
She always liked to fly"
"Mary was the type of girl
She always liked to fall apart..."
Friday, August 29, 2003 03:07 a.m.
Oh yeah. Happy Judgement Day. Terminator. Skynet becomes self aware August 29th, 1997.
Thursday, August 28, 2003 11:14 p.m.
FUCK EVERYTHING! NOTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE, AND NOTHING IS WORTH ANYTHING. FUCK YOU ALL!
I WISH I COULD BE SO FUCKING STUPID, SO FUCKING DUPED. I WISH I COULD LIVE IN SOME IMAGINARY WORLD WHERE EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD IS FUCKING DONE TO ME ALONE AND THAT EVERYTHING IS ONLY HURTING ME AND I'M NOT RESPONCIBLE FOR A DAMN THING.
I WISH I COULD LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I BECOME SOMEONE FOR SOMEONE, AND THEY DONT FUCKING KNOW ANY BETTER. THAT THEY DONT KNOW THAT THE THINGS I'M LIKING, THAT I'M CHANGING SO THAT THAT PERSON FUCKING LIKES ME. DUPING. FUCKING BEING A GOD DAMN CON ARTIST FOR SEX.
YEAH. ITS GREAT. IM REALLY FUCKING SURE A RELATIONSHIP IS FUCKING OVER WHEN FUCKING SOMEONE IS TELLING THE OTHER PERSON "I STILL LOVE YOU. I JUST CANT BE WITH YOU NOW." THE FUCK!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
YEAH, FUCKING BELIEVE WHAT SOMEONE SAYS WHEN THEY'RE IN A DEPRESSION. FIRST RULE OF ANY THING IN A GOD DAMN RELATIONSHIP IS THAT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING IS OK, IT USUALLY ISNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS FUCKING STUPID TO THINK THAT WHEN KIM SAID IT WAS OK FOR ME TO GO TO JAPAN, THAT IT REALLY WAS OK. HOW FUCKING STUPID WAS I?!!?!??!!?
BUT SHES A GOD DAMN RETARD FOR THINKING THAT ME SAYING THAT IT WAS OK TO GO ON WITH SOMEONE ELSE WAS FUCKING TRUTH. OR THAT FUCKING I WANTED TO GO AWAY FROM HER. SHE FUCKING SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.
ALL MY TIME WITH HER, I TRIED MY FUCKING BEST TO NOT HOLD HER BACK, TO MAKE HER MAKE HER OWN CHOICES, TO MAKE HER SPEAK OUT HER MIND FOR THINGS SHE WANTED. JUST BECAUSE SHE WENT ALONG WITH WHAT I WANTED, DOESNT MEAN I WAS CONTROLLING THE WHOLE FRELLING RELATIONSHIP. IT WAS HER GOD DAMN CHOICE. I WAS ALWAYS ASKING HER WHAT SHE WANTED. FUCK ANY OF YOU WHO THINK OTHERWISE.
BOTH HER AND HER BOYFRIEND ARE PROBABLY READING THIS AND LAUGHING. EITHER THAT OR SHE'S READING THIS AND FUCKING THINKING "HE NEEDS TO GET OVER THIS", OR HES READING THIS AND FIGURING MORE WAYS HE CAN BE LIKE ME AND BECOME MORE LIKE WHAT SHE WANTS SO HE CAN FUCKING DUPE HER EVEN MORE. WELL, FUCK YOU BOTH. GOD DAMNIT, FUCK BOTH OF YOU FOR FUCKING LIFE.
YOU FUCKING BOTH WILL NEVER KNOW HOW DEEP THESE FEELINGS GO. NEVER KNOW WHAT REAL LOVE IS. FUCK YOU. YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THESE FEELINGS I FUCKING HAVE. YOU BOTH FUCKING CAN GO ON WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE AND NEVER KNOW THE BEAUTY AND PAIN OF LOVE.
WHY THE FUCK DOES SHE ONLY REMEMBER THE BAD THINGS?@?!?!?! NEVER FUCKING REMEMBERS THE GOOD. FUCKING I WAS A GOD DAMN GOOD HUSBAND. FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK EVERYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE, WHO EVER FUCKING SAID "GET AWAY FROM HIM". (ALL ONE OF YOU, PROBABLY). YES, I HAD FUCKING PROBLEMS. IT WASNT A FUCKING FIELD TRIP FOR ME. EVER HATE YOURSELF SO MUCH, SELF LOATHE SO MUCH THAT YOU JUST SIT THERE FOR A FUCKING YEAR? NO? I FUCKING HAVE. FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK YOU TOO, KIM. YOU HURT ME DEEPLY TOO. ITS NOT ONE SIDED. YOUR PICKING AND FUCKING TELLING ME IN NEED TO GET UP AND DO SOMETHING. FUCK YOU. THATS LIKE FUCKING WHAT PARENTS DO, AND EVERY KID HATES THEIR PARENTS FOR THAT SHIT.
ITS NOT JUST THAT. YOU WERENT THE BEST MOODS EVER. FUCKING YOU WERE ALWAYS SPACING OUT, FUCKING WHEN I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT STUFF, FUCKING NEVER THERE WHEN I NEEDED IT EMOTIONALLY. YES I HURT YOU, YOU HURT ME. WE HURT EACH OTHER. BUT THATS NOT US. THATS NOT WHO WE WERE.
YES, I CANT GET OVER THE SEX THING. THATS BECAUSE I FUCKING NEVER EVEN FUCKING KISSED ANYONE ELSE. ITS A BIG THING FOR ME, NOT JUST SOME EVENT, LIKE WALKING DOWN A FUCKING STREET. FUCK YOU. THATS WHAT MAKES ME "SPECIAL". APPARENTLY IT MAKES ME A FUCKING LOON TO YOU.
FUCK.
EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED IN LIFE IS NOW GONE, OFF THINKING ONLY HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME. NOT FUCKING CARING ABOUT ME AT ALL, AND FUCKING APPARENTLY HASNT FOR THE PAST 2 GOD DAMN YEARS. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL AROUND?!!?! SO I CAN WASTE THE NEXT 70 YEARS FUCKING EXISTING!?!!??!?!?!!?
FUCK ALL THAT.
OH YEAH, YOU REALLY FUCKING TRIED TO BE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, TO TRY IT OUT AGAIN. I FUCKING LEAVE THE GOD DAMN STATE TO GIVE YOU TIME TO THINK, AND YOU RUN BACK TO HIM. FUCKING SMOOTH.
YES, I WAS VERY UPSET. I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE. I'M FUCKING DEALING WITH SOMETHING THAT I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD EVER HAPPEN. I FUCKING THOUGHT WE WERE BETTER THAN THIS. I THOUGHT I WAS BETTER THAN THIS. I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING BETTER THAN THIS.
I APPARENTLY WAS FUCKING WRONG.
HAVE FUN IN YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP, BEFORE THAT ONE ENDS WITH YOU BEING TOTALLY UNHAPPY WITH HIM, THINKING THAT HE'S TRYING TO CONTROL YOU TOO.
YOU THOUGHT YOU DIDNT HAVE ANY FREEDOM FROM RICK.
YOU THOUGHT YOU DIDNT HAVE ANY FREEDOM FROM ME.
ITS YOU WHO ARE SUCCUMBING.
IT WASNT US.
YOU'RE SAYING YOU WANT TO LIVE BY YOURSELF NOW.
I'M SURE YOU HAVENT EVEN SLEPT ALONE IN MONTHS.
I SURE HAVE.......
AND ITS A LONELY PLACE.
HAVE A GOOD LIVE.
I MIGHT BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK....
MOOD : SELF EXPLANATORY
MUSIC : FAITH NO MORE - MIDLIFE CRISIS
QUOTE : "You're perfect, yes, it's true
But without me you're only you..."
Seether - Fine Again Lyrics
Thursday, August 28, 2003 06:16 a.m.
Argh. Nothing entertains...
Im starting to harbor bad feelings towards her. Thats not something I want to happen, but as this progresses longer and longer, and I seem to be more alone, I get angry. I dont vent at all anymore, and these things build up. I dont think i'm actually angry at her, I think i'm just feeling very hurt...
Why is she still this way?
Blarg. I thought Dark Forces 4 : Jedi Knight 3 : Jedi Academy would distract me. It doesnt. Its too easy, and fairly straightforward, and boring. "Slaughter Millions, and NEVER USE A GUN", or "Dont think , just run forward slashing repeatedly" are appropriate descriptions. Oh yeah, there are areas where they take your lightsaber away, or put you on some stupid vehicle, but damn. You get jedi heal, and you're invincible. Blarg. Its not nearly as entertaining as JKII.
Hopefully I get to goto AnimeFEST this weekend, by persuasion of parental units for money, and HOPEFULLY it's going to be the level of distraction I need. Like some sort of life changing experience. Otherwise, I dont know how much more of this I can take...
Everything stands in place. Nothing is changing.
Everyone is wasting their life away in existance.
What is the point of it all?
Mood : Sulking
Music : Seether - Fine Again
Quote : "And I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well"
Monday, August 25, 2003 01:52 a.m.
I sit here......and I cry.
I cried the whole car ride home.
I drove, and listened to one song over and over again. Another song triggered it, but the other song IS me.
Its too bad both are on the same album....
Earlier today, the first episode of Full Moon wo Sagashite for some reason triggered a small emotional responce. I cant remember what. It was probably the part where she was remembering a promise made to her, that her male friend would become an Astronomer, and she would become a singer.
Promises made...
Something she was willing to die for...
Later in the night, I was watching Cowboy Bebop. It was the episode where Jet goes back to Ganymede. Character plot for Jet, as he was left by a girl, Alisa. He held the watch she left him, time was stopped for him. He wanted to know why she left him so long ago. Faye made a comment to Spike about "How does he expect an old girlfriend to hold a flame for him after all these years?", and Spike responded with something like "Not all women are like you..." The whole episode was good...
Driving home, though, I was fine, singing along. For some reason, I had Our Lady Peace - Gravity in the CD player. I was listening to Innocent (track 4) which is usually an ok song for me, when all the sudden I broke down when I heard :
"And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she'd never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful"
From that point forward, I started crying. I then listened to Track 6 - Not Enough the whole way home. This song has always hurt, and I avoided it. But even now, I listen to it on repeat while typing this, while crying...
"Theres nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Theres nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Theres nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place
When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope youre well
Theres nothing left to prove
There's nothing I wont do
Theres nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here
When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope youre well
What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you got
What you love
What you need
What you have is real
It's not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough, I'm sorry
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough...
When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope youre well
Its not enough
No
Its not enough
Its not enough"
There isnt much more I can say....this song says it all.
When you had all your problems, I still loved you. When you thought you were fat, I never saw it. I never EVER saw it. I only saw YOU. I have only ever seen you, saw past everything, saw who you wanted to become. I love you...
Its not enough.....
I'm sorry...
Mood : -------
Music : Our Lady Peace - Not Enough
Quote : "Theres nothing left to prove
There's nothing I wont do
Theres nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here"
Saturday, August 23, 2003 12:30 a.m.
Little things......
Its little things that make us who we are. Its little things that are important. Little quirks.
Sometimes, they're not important.
Driving home, stopping at a light, I inadvertantly put my hand over the passenger side, to hold something in place there while stopping quickly. Why? Cause I used to do that when I stopped so Kim wouldnt move forward quickly.
Little things. Do I do it on purpose? No. Thats who I am.
These dont matter when someone else does little things. What YOU do is normal, standard, every day, day to day things. Something HE does is. If HE holds a door open, thats considerate, thats unique. Thats a quirk to HIM, he's so nice. HE bought me this little toy. If *I* buy a flower, who cares? Thats a day to day thing. Thats the old. Thats standard. Thats expected. Someone else does it, thats romantic.
Little things......
I miss those....
Creativity spawns from the same emotional base for me. Strike up creativity, bring the anger, bring the pain. Its all the same. I used to love this feeling. Complacency, moving thoughts. Why? There was no pain attached to it. My mind flowed, and I could think and feel. Now, pain is attached. I think, my mind works, for a bit, then pain. Then anger. Then emotions. Creativity == emotion. Emotion == pain. Pain == communication. Communication == creativity. The cycle never ends.
Yes, for a time I wasnt creative at all. But for that time, I wasnt me. I wasnt human. I wasnt very loving. They all stem from the same source. Lose one in me, Lose me. You get separate "personas". Everything can "appear" normal. What do people know. Did anyone ever know I was dark, morose? No. Only Kim new. I'm a presenter, an entertainer. What point is the darker side in entertainment? I'm the guy that ninja rolls for no reason, that elbow drops cars randomly. Something profound coming from him? The hell? Nah, thats just some random banter. It must be comedy.
I dont think in comedy very well..... I never did....
Just some thoughts. Theres no point to this.
Mood : Hurt.
Music : NIN - Dead Souls (Joy Divison cover)
Quote : Someone take these dreams away,
That point me to another day,
A duel of personalities,
That stretch all true realities.
Monday, August 18, 2003 02:40 a.m.
I've been feeling dead inside. Since this started happening, I've been under a constant bombardment of pain. I can hide it, run from it, distract myself at times, but it is always there. I'm no longer controlled enough to push it away, out think it, out smart it. "Life without pain isnt real." Well, life with this pain isnt either. Everything is stationary, nothing is changing. Time passes, but the existance, the entity stays constant. The soul, torn apart from its husk, is in a holding pattern, waiting for.........something. If I knew the answer to that....
Part of my existance revolves around a competitive spirit, "Soul of the Samurai", conciousness driven by challenge. Perfection isnt a situation come across by chance. It is a state that is pursued, a state that can be and MUST be achieved with every attempt. Without perfection, one has a chance to lose. One must never drop guard for even a second. This pursuit is best summed up in Hikaru No Go Episode 3 :
"Become pro for a bit? Do you have any idea how much effort is involved? Endurance, exertion, privation, mortification! There are those who surpassed despair and still failed to reach their goal! I observed many people like that at my fathers side, and you!...I've exerted myself, preparing to face all of that....Since I was little...every day, every passing day, for hours and hours I played Go. No matter how bitter it got at times, I kept playing. Why did I lose to someone like this!?..."
This feeling can only be understood by someone who has had a rival, faced advisaries. This is me, and this may always be a part of me. This perfectionist point of view helped destroy my marriage. I dont think Kim ever understood the depth these feelings went, that the Perfectionism that I strive for isnt sommething I'd prefer to obtain, it is something I HAVE to obtain, or die trying. Its not like I have a choice in the matter...
And I'm sorry if that hurt you....
I wanted to share that with you...
And it hurt me that I couldnt...
I apologize to my future relationship (I only say that in singular, because my mind is still set on the idea of not going from relationship to relationship). There will be alot of things you will have to understand about me, things that are not good, and accept. Although innately self destructive, I try to make the best for myself and others around me. I had done so in the past, and faltered for a time. Please understand, that if I'm doing something "out of character" for me, that I am not doing it on purpose. That these things I'm doing I dont realize that I'm doing it, and please dont give up on me. I'm only trying to become the best that I can, and sometimes I cannot deal with failure.
I will love you all that I can, but please understand, that it will not be in the same way I loved HER. In some ways, this might be in a lesser form, but I no longer have a complete soul to give. The form I love you in might be lesser than what I gave previously, but I'll give all that I have. Please dont be jealous if I think of HER for times, I will have no choice in the matter. She is still a part of me, and will forever be. I know I will be an improper partner for whoever in the future, because of this aspect, but this is one of my "bad" points that will have to be accepted. I cannot change who I am becoming...
And, although I'm sorry to say it, I do not ever want to be in a life / death situation where I have to choose between you and HER...
I'd gladly take my own life then to see that day...
Mood : ---------
Music : Three Doors Down - Kryptonite
Quote : "You called me strong , you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head , if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground"
"If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well , will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superman might
Kryptonite"
Sunday, August 17, 2003 01:30 a.m.
"Come to this....I CAN'T come to you
Don't do this, wake me up tonight
Come to this, I WON'T come to you
Don't do this.... wake me up tonight
Tonight, tonight, come on motherfucker"
Live - Stage
Staind - So Far Away Lyrics
Friday, August 15, 2003 11:22 p.m.
Guess I should update. I'm not really in the mood to. I mean, Im back in Houston. I hate this place. I hate what Seattle does to me, but hanging out with people up there tends to be much more enjoyable.
First off, I guess I'll outline this so I can get things accomplished. I'll start by stating what went on with the court things, followed by what I did whilst in Seattle, finished off with my feelings of things now. I'm sure I'll just banter off somewhere within, so nyah.
Court stuff : Essentially, I guess I didnt communicate my intentions with the lawyer fully. My intentions were to have her prepare the case to go to trial, to make sure all aspects were covered, and progress down that road just to make sure we were prepared. However, before this pretrial hearing, since she didnt see a need to get an interview from Kim beforehand, she didnt have one. So, I postponed the Pre-Trial Hearing for next month (which is the reason I had to go to Seattle to begin with), so that she can get an interview done with Kim. This gives me the knowledge of, were this to goto trial, what would be said against / for me. Given this statement, I can either progress to get the "deal" that prosecution offered lowered in terms, or goto trial and hope for a dismissial. My preference is the latter, and Im HOPING that whatever Kim would say in trial would benefit me, making the statement on the police report look like a complete farce. Anyway, the "deal" they offered me was some bullshit. 18 month "probation" (where you cant fuck up at all), no contact with Victim or Victims dad, Anger Management LEVEL II course, 0 fine, 40 hours community service. THE FRELL!!?!??!! I didnt do a damn thing, i'm certainly not doing all of that. I'm mainly concerned with the frelling Anger Management class (I'm FUCKING more controlled than the rest of the world), the 18 month looming over my head, and the CONTINUAL no contact with HER. Fuck her dad. I could care less about that.
So thats what went on with court. I go back next month. Yay for me.
So, what did I do? Well, I was there Tues - Thursday, essentially. Tues night, I hung out with Candice, Mike Z, Mike Jones, and Nate. Much fun was had watching The Transporter (Movie ruled, except for the missile part. FUCK YOU, MIKE!!!). Bike pedals was definately awesome. Missile = failure. Lots of Star Soldier 2 minute mode (400,000 + BITCH, beat that !!!) and Shikigami no Shiro (71 for Stage 1-1, YOU CANT TOUCH THAT SCORE!!!!!!). Wed I hung out with Josh, Jesse, John, and Riki. We chilled, ate some cheap food (damnit, shoulda known about that place all the time I lived up there), and went to some pool place / bar / dance floor club thing. Thursday, I hung with Mike, Matt, Nate, Rikku (didnt use your name!), and Bekah at Mikes, as well as hung out with Candice. Beatin' the wife leaves no remainder! That makes me laugh countless numbers of times for a few minutes each.
Unfortunately, I missed a lot of people too. I wasnt able to hang out with Scott + crew, Soul Calibur fools, nor Tammy or Anthony. Stupid work schedules, etc :P But I have to go back next month, so party time again. I will Russian Party Bear glomp you all! UH-OH!
Laser Depeche Mode would have ruled.
I think the most entertaining things I did was watching the Transporter while talking through it,( I like talking through movies now, cause it makes them much more entertaining. "Hot asian bitches in bags? The only thing that can break the rules.") obsessing over a few points to get the most perfect score you can get. 71 Stage 1-1. I repeat, 71!!!!!!!!! You're never going to beat that., and hanging out until 4 or later in the morning talking.
I was not bored, not in the least. I very much enjoyed that. I swear that copy of Oregon Trail was on EASY or something.....and active hunting is not good when you take down 2 bears and some more, and your lame hillbilly family can only carry 100lbs back to the wagon. I'll bring my computer next time so I can be entertaining. I'm not very good company by myself. I'm very happy just sitting around staring at things, though.
As far as my feelings go now : I didnt want to leave Seattle. I hate Seattle, but the people up there are much easier for me to hang out with and deal with these problems i'm having, or ignore them. Down here, I have Starwars Galaxies. Without that, I'm kinda hurting on my own. I was having many problems up there, but I could either hide away from them or deal with small versions of them. Down here, I feel like I want to die.
I REALLY want to curl up in front of this monitor, listen to BT - Godspeed on repeat, be held by someone, and cry.
This option is not available to me, because of lack of human contact.
The social interactions I got up in Seattle took place of that need or desire or whatever it is. However, down here, I feel even more alone. I know I still harness some sort of either morbid desire, or sick fantasy that Kim and I will get back together, however, I need to fully come to terms that this is not going to happen, and find something / someone else or create that emotionless person I once was again. While up there, I saw a picture of her. It didnt affect me until I was driving back to hang out with other people, and it made me sad. I'm becoming obsessive again, staring at my phone, waiting for someone to call, or staring at my desktop, waiting for a message window to pop up.
Beatin' the wife leaves no remainder.
Thats therapy, much like T3 was therapy. That statement doesnt even strike me funny because of the things that have gone on. Actually, its funny IN SPITE of all the things that are going on. The whole strip is funny as hell. That ones awesome, cause "leaves no remainder" is actually a mathmatical statement, and theres an actual formula used to see if something does leave a remainder. "beatin' the wife" comes out of nowhere, and works well with the "rappin' bout math" statement. I dont know why i'm explaining the intricate humor of this comic. I guess I just want to point out the fact that the strip is not funny because I've both lost my wife, or have Domestic Violence charges against me. This strip is funny, even if I was happily married.
Just fucking laugh. I'll wait....
Done? Ok.
I really need some new music. All this music depresses me, and I have nobody to comfort me, and to enjoy spending time sitting around laughing at random stuff with. So, all I have to look forward to is waiting 2 weeks to see if AnimeFEST is any cool or not, and then my return to Seattle where I actually have to deal with REAL court stuff, and attempt to hang out with people again before I ineviteably return back to this lonely place.
At least down here, I guess I cant see or hear from Kim, because I'm not sure if Im ready for that, although I want to know if she's all right. I think I'll always miss her.
I wish I could not be the "nice" guy for once. I wish I could be someone who doesnt care for consequences, and just do something in the moment without worrying about repercussions, to see what could become of it. I wish I could not worry about damaging / losing friendships because of actions, and just act on some feelings I have at a given time. Maybe i'll be brave (or self destructive depending on the viewpoint) enough to do that next time i'm in Seattle. I'm not sure I was ready this time back there....
Mood : Wanting comfort
Music : Staind - So Far Away
Quote : "this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
cuz i
i must be sleeping"
Monday, August 11, 2003 12:55 a.m.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM!
You started celebrating your birthdays with us at Babbages, and I hope you continue to celebrate your birthday. Birthdays are a fun time to have an excuse to give someone things. We both always forgot our anniversary date, but I never forgot your birthday, and tried to do something every year. I'm sorry I'm not there this year. I hope other people remember your birthday.
Because of your birthday, I will not post anything brooding. I wont post anything about my feelings, or my problems. I will try to spend today enjoying myself. This is your birthday, and you should be happy. Everyone else should be happy for you. Everyone else should have a good day enjoying your birthday. This is what birthdays are for. Happy Birthday. This is my present to you. Its not much, but its pretty much all I can do.
I went to an anime showing today, and attempted communication with a faction of the anime community in the greater houston area. It seems that the factioning that was going on when I left continued, and politics faced politics and such, and well, its scattered. I guess I've joined the sides once again, and the battle wages on.
This group, however, is in charge of presenting Oni-Con next year, and I'm going to get involved in that. I have nothing but time, and believe it or not, I have experience. We shall see how eventful this begins as the factions war it out, and if I still have this sort of ability to work great plans out to the simplest of tasks.
Watched an awesome anime today called "Last Exile". Its a "futuristic" setting where things are steampowered, about pilots who deliver messages, and the events surrounding them. The main part of this episode was this fantastic air battle, where the troops line up on huge doors that open on the side of the airships. These troops are dressed in the victorian / colonial sort of outfit, carrying steampowered muskets. There are rules to the engagement, where both sides open up, and fire volleys at the other group. Once the initial troops have fired, then a "bombardment" begins. Once one side looses X amount of troops, one side is declared the "winner". Classic rules of engagement, steam powered technology in a fantasy setting. The way the anime was pased, it was very Porco Rosso (as far as the flying goes), and Escaflone / Wings of Honneamese as far as the technology went. Japanese website. Check it.
Other than preparing for this convention, I guess I have to find other things for me to do. Pending I dont become a totally other person, these are the things coming to mind :
I will publish a story.
I will create an anime on the level or greater than .hack//sign and Ghost in the Shell : Stand Alone Complex
I will create the music attempting to approach the level of Christopher Franke (Babylon 5), Basil Poledouris (The Hunt for Red October / Conan) or Yoko Kanno.
I will act in TV, Films, or Voice Act.
I will go to space.
Pending I remain the same person, these are tasks to accomplish. I have resources, now all I need is the will. I guess this is approaching topic subject matter which I am not going to go into. This is a happy day, and I will find a way to enjoy the day.
Happy Birthday Kim.
Mood : No Comment
Music : Timelords - Doctorin the Tardis
Quote : "Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him." - Simpsons
Sunday, August 10, 2003 04:06 a.m.
Too much is in my head right now. I'm not very good at updating this as I should, to help me through things.
Went to the LAN party part 1 tonight. Was fun, but I woke up at 4pm, and nobody saw fit to call me. They're all like, Didnt you see the email saying to be here at 12? I'm like, didnt you guys wonder where I was and think about calling? I dont know. I guess different protocols for different groups. In seattle, like if I wasnt at a place EARLY, people would call making sure I was still going. I guess I'll have to get used to this.
I also seem to proclaim "FAG" or something of the sort a whole lot when trying to yell at people to make fun of them, and proclaim, "YOU KILLED ME, FAG", or "EAT THAT HOMO" or something. I guess I should get much more interesting in the things I say. But it just kinda comes out like "Yo mama" always slips out of my mouth.
Tomorrow I get to go to a sort of anime showing to try to see if I can get to know some of the local anime community. Problem is the LAN party extends to tomorrow, so I'll have to miss some of the LAN happiness. And raping computers and all that fun.
Interesting thing is that i've been going through words in my head, and maybe with more time, i'll be able to write something finally. I wrote a little decent description for my new SWG character (Wookie Entertainer), which didnt turn out as well written as I wanted, but its ok. My main character's description im waiting on to find out the date that this game is set in, and if I want his family or his wife / betrothed to die. Im thinking i'll focus on his family. Its a little less impactful, but I think I want to leave him open to not be a tragic character, and leave him open for romantic relationships. I hate stories where peoples wifes / betrotheds die, and theres some sort of fucking relationship story while he's angry and avenging or something. Kinda defeats the purpose. Thats why Gladiator was such a great movie. Braveheart as well.
He's gonna have his family or whatever having been killed by Rebels, cause their military target had a civilian population available on it (Such as, there might have been many innocents on the Death Star when it blew). He's angry that the rebels didnt check their targets, and therefore plans to become an imperial fencer. However, i'm not sure if I want to do the stereotypical, 6 fingered man sort of having an advisary fencer, or something, or just have him be trained in swordfighting from before his family died, and he just continues in that. Not sure, which is why I havent written it yet. Once my skills go up, and I decide on these story aspects, I can finally feel comfortable roleplaying with that character, instead of being ME.
/end starwars rant :P
I was going to play tonight, but I"m probably just going to watch something like some Sifl n' olly eps or some Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex eps I ganked from Lee's computer before corey fucking turned it off (DAmn you corey!) :P
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEE (for yesterday), cause I dont know if I told you that in person.
Mood : Jumbled
Music : Bon Jovi - Livin' on a Prayer
Quote : "'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot
We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
Note : ---- I love to scream this song. Emotional songs rule.
Godsmack - Serenity - Lyrics
Saturday, August 9, 2003 02:09 a.m.
Mental images go away.
Obsession needs to stop.
She is not mine, and I need to deal with that.
Next week, I get to enter back into the city which stole my beloved.
I really dont want to be down here, but I also really dont want to be up there.
And I have to take a plane to get there.....Plane rides make me VERY SICK and Uncomfortable. I took a plane to Japan. Coming back from Japan was the worse. I took a plane to come down here the first time when she ran back with HIM. I took a plane back up there when I went to stop her from screwing her life up any more. And now, i'm forced back on a plane. I wish all this would end.
I hate the words "I dont know if I want to be with you, I just cant be with you now." That'd be a nice idea, if you wanted to be alone. But do you really have to be with someone else?!!?!?!? Why not take time to yourself to figure these feelings out? Because.
Thats the only reason. Because. Theres no other reason. Just Because. Anything other than that takes logic, and theres no logic in this stuff. 1 month has passed since incarceration, and nothing has changed. 3 to 4 months has passed since all this crap went down, and nothing is new. I lost who I was, tried to get it back multiple times, but I have these things that keep happening that dont allow me to move on. Plus, mentally, I dont want to move on. I want the past. I want what was. I cant leave a person behind who is a part of me. My friend. I cant. I was FORCED to after Incarceration. Not my decision. I was going to take care of all the things in that god forsaken city, and clear everything out then MAYBE leave things behind. But I didnt have a choice. Both the legal system and people not listening to what I say make that impossible. I'm helpless, and I dont want this anymore.
Were Armageddon to come, I would smile.
I'm very angry. Hate? No. Not QUITE hate. Anger. Dissapointment. Betrayal. A feeling of needing to act. But not hate. At least, not for one...
Here is a post by a friend about friendship.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/paru_paru/11454.html
In here, they say some things, like "my bad dude... we talked about this the other day... willing to do anything to save a friendship...but this time... it was all me.... you trust me... I know that.... I annoy the hell out of you at times... I know that too... but the one single thing that is a constant between us is our ability to overcome anything and anyone between us.... :)"
This should be true about Kim and my friendship, but its not. She gave up on it. She went away. She felt that our friendship was nothing to fight for.
Fuck that.
Fuck whatever she is now.
Thats not who she is.
Somebody save her.
Mood : Angry, to the point of disbelief.
Music : Godsmack - Serenity
Quote : "Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control"
"I'm the one who loves you
No matter wrong or right
And every day I hold you
I hold you with my inner child"
Wednesday, August 6, 2003 02:01 a.m.
Starwars is down for a little bit, so I guess i'll write some stuff while eating. I'm having problems today, like every day. Todays topic of obsession : What are these THINGS that are different than the THINGS I like that Kim liked HIM for? I dont understand this. I mean, she never told me what they were....and, I mean, how is she to know that they're different. I dont feel I was given any chance. So....
NOTES TO KIM :
THE FRELL?!!?!?! I mean, come on! I cant like EVERYTHING you like. Thats what makes us different. Thats what makes us US. You like some things, I like others. Some I dont, some YOU dont. Some I like, and get you to like. Some you like, and get me to like. Thats how these things work. You cant just leave me because HE Likes different things. These "different" things, I bet, you didnt even give me a chance to like.
You have to fucking understand ONE FUCKING THING!!!!!!!!!!!! HE's not going to like FUCKING EVERYTHING EITHER!!!!!!!!!!! Fucking I"ll tell you that for a FUCKING fact. Most of the music you listen to he is TRYING to like, just to keep you around. Fucking, stop fooling yourself. I doubt he's really going to be heavily into some of the things that *I* was that YOU werent really showing too much enthusiasm towards, but were open to (Classical, etc). Yeah, i'm sure he's really going to respect Yoko Kanno, or Kenji Kawai. FRELLING PAY ATTENTION. Fucking if MUSIC is HIS big thing, I understand and respect music 120349810491840914 times more than him. You fucking know this. I think in Art.
Same goes for games, movies, animations, fucking everything. Things make me cry because they're so fucking beautiful. You fucking didnt give me a chance.
You sounded shocked when I was listening to some Counting Crows. I've told you from the start, I like some of their things, but things like "Long December" annoy me, because of whinniness and radio play. Fucking, selective memory. You only remember the bad things I did, thought, said, etc.
FUCKING REMEMBER THE GOOD THINGS. ALL THAT I AM........
END NOTES TO KIM
Back to "normalicy".....
HEY!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE!!!!! I played SNK vs Capcom CHAOS today!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH.
Well......
I have to analyze this. However, I dont think i'm going to be able to go indepth as much as I really want to, since I'll probably forget half of the things I was thinking or seeing whilst there...
So.......lets try this
The Marquee : It looks cool. They wrote CHAOS all cool. Sorta reminds me of the DOA2 one, but its still cool. Not as cool as the SF : Alpha one though :P
First impressions : Well, i'm in Stargate for some SC2 action, and I see some stuff to my right that flashes different. (They sorta rearranged the games around, so I was like, whats that?). I look over, and i'm like, "The Hell?!!?". Look up, and its SVC CHAOS!. I'm like OMG...and go over there. First off, its 1 vs 1 only. And it looks like KOF2002 information overlay (healthbar, etc), however, gameplay looks like Garou!! (YAY!) I watch, and one guy has like 13 wins, using Ryu. Watching him play, I see SSF2T combos (ick). Short, short, short, medium, fireball shit. Blah. I'm already not liking some of this....
Graphics : Looks good. Backgrounds are like KOF2002, and i'm like......ummmm........this could be on dreamcast. Characters are all new sprites (maybe not the SNK characters, but I didnt see much of Mai, Terry, etc). However, Ryu, Earthquake, etc are new sprites. Yay. Looks like Garou, however, I dont think the designs are as cool as Garou. Still, its "pretty". After staring at the game for an hour or so, I looked back at 60fps Soul Calibur 2. Seriously, on different occasions that game puts me in awe in its designs and brilliance. The animation is so fluid, and the character movement is wonderful. Even though CHAOS is pretty, SC2 is amazing.
Gameplay : Well, this is where the game gets iffy. I'm not sure how this is going to play out, since I dont know anything about the game system, but some of it looks not fun. Theres some kind of Alpha counter type dash system, thats used to counter attack after blocking.....which seems like it'll be useful. 4 button setup (not sure if its supposed to be ABCD neogeo style, cause stargate had it set up fighter style : AC top row, BD bottom row, so its light / heavy punch, then light / heavy kick.) Games go quickly, and since its 1 vs 1....matches are quick, and you can get a lot of games in and waste a lot of money in a short amount of time (like Garou). Single life bar with 2 layers (Samurai Showdown 3 / bunch of other games. I'm braindead. Garou was probably that way too). Round based (Street Fighter II standard style). Extended jumping (Down then Up command interface, Alpha 3 style, lalala). Anyway. Right now, Shotokan style characters seem semi dominant (Ryu with his SSF2T frackin crossover self, so advanced players can jump right in and beat everyone). However, the only seemingly unbalanced char right now is Violent Ken (selectable by code). He's got some sort of dash that acts like a teleport, he can chain a 3 string combo into a super, then chain another super after...(the hell is with that?!!!?), AND his "super super attack" (not familiar enough with the system, but i think everyone has one of these) does HALF LIFE!!!!!!!! (one bar layer). The hell. Plus he's shotokan, so short, short, short, works with him. Blahblahblah. Violent Ken = broken.
Sound : Dunno. Wasnt loud enough.
Other stuff : Well, every character has specific dialog with every other character, which is displayed every time they face off, INCLUDING in VS mode. That stuff rules. Didnt see the intro, too many people playing.
Characters : This is where it gets fairly cool. First off, I had to use DIMITRI (he's selectable by code only, luckily cause Stargate is cool and for competitive gamers, the codes were on a sheet of paper taped to the machine). He's like BIGGER than the shotokan characters, all black, and cool. He plays like his darkstalkers counterpart, and he has his EX fireball. I didnt see any supers with him, and could not perform any. His frelling legs are LONG AS HELL when you attack. Then, I scrolled through the SNK characters (which I didnt see until after watching a few games, going "where are the SNK characters"?, then realizing theres another 2 rows of characters on the LEFT side of the screen. DUH.) Anyway, scrolling through, i saw SHIKI!!!!! FRELLING SHIKI!!!! I was like, oh yeah.....this is cool, and picked her. Then I thought, hmmmm....Kim should see this, but blahblahblah. Anyway.....choosing her, I figured I'd have some sort of projectile attack. Nope. Thats awesome. She's got a teleport, but thats it. Figuring out her moves wasnt very easy, and I lost quick. However, she's awesome looking. Anyway, someone picked another "code" character, and it was ZERO from MEGAMAN X / ROCKMAN X series. When looking at the names on the list, I didnt even think that he'd be the "zero" listed. Well, that was interestingly out of place, but still cool. New sprites for him and all. Theres bunches o characters : (FAQ searching time) Athena (she must still be secret), Choi, Earthquake, Genjuro, Geese, Goenitz, Iori, Kasumi, Kim, Kyo, Mai, Mars Alien, Mr. Karate (Takuma), Riot Iori, Ryo, Shiki, Shin Mr. Karate (the hell?), Terry, Balrog, Chun-Li, Dimitri, Dhalsim, Violent Ken, Gouki, Hugo, Ken, M. Bison, Red Arremer, Ryu, Sagat, Shin Gouki, Tabasa (witch from Gem Fighter), Vega, Zero. Dont know why I posted all of these, go check your frelling friendly Gamefaqs. Blah.
Overall : Right now, i'm semi disappointed. I like a good 2d fighter, but right now, i'm sensing unbalancedness all over. Plus, the comp down here is for blood, and I liked playing Garou for fun (never got heavy into the combo system, etc). I'll play a bit of it to see if I'm gonna like it in the future. Damnit, it needs a Dreamcast release. :P
Anyway, thats my SNK VS Capcom CHAOS semi - review. Tune in next week when I show you how to roast a human head on a platter with only a toaster oven and some beef sticks.
Mood : Many things. Mainly hoping SWG is back up.
Music : Random Classical music
Quote : Whatever Dimitri VS Dimitri's opening dialog was. Its frelling cool.
Tuesday, August 5, 2003 02:47 a.m.
Stuff.
I've been not updating. My thoughts are jumbled. Most of which are the same things i've posted here. I'm tired of posting the same stuff over and over again. We all know i'm fucked in the head.
Posting random thoughts are fun. Thats why i like my LIVEJOURNAL account cause I can just put quick little sploofs of things in there. Everyone feel free to add me to their friends list on there. I need to find out how the "community" stuff works. My account name is ZorEXPlusAlpha.
Anyway....
Frank came down this weekend and we didnt get to go to any clubs or anything, and one of my friends, Derrick, was supposed to hook up with us and go with us somewhere Saturday, but he never called back that night. GRRRR.... We just hung around the weekend, and did nothing. And my computer was acting the fool while he was here. It seems to be GENERALLY fine now....but I still need to scandisk and defrag. Its just that Star Wars Galaxies is taking all of my time now (luckily).
If it werent for Galaxies, I would be tearing myself up (which I already am). I'm hurting myself so bad, tearing myself up with stomach sickness and bad thoughts. I havent heard from Kim, nobody has, and it makes me ill. If she were dead, I could deal with that. However, this CONTINUES TO HURT, and will for a VERY LONG TIME.
Back to Galaxies. I've been playing that. Its great. Its Star Wars. However, there are sooooooo many servers, sooooo many planets, sooooo many people, that I wont be able to talk to all the cool ones. Thats fine. Many are antisocial. I'm on Tarquinas server...character name : Rhyun Jui. If you guys play, look me up. My character is great. I'm going to be a fencer. I think i'm going to do dancing as a secondary (i'm doing it right now, and its semi fun.) I have a really tight purple longsleeve shirt on and sexy white pants, and my guy has one sword and dances around. I curtsey to people (emotes rule). He's so flamboyant. Flamboyancy rules...which leads into the next topic :
A friend wants to start a Thousand Arms group for Sakuracon cosplay. I want to do Bandie. He's so supergay, it rules. "SPIN! SPIN! SPIN!". Go here to see a pic of him! If she doesnt make the costume, I will. I suck, but it doesnt matter with him. Plus, I have an exzuberant amount of time in order to get it done.
Anyway, when I write things on here, I go mindblank. I cant think of the 239482309423 things that I want to write. I need to start recording the things I say tomyself when I'm driving. Tonight, when I was getting out of the car I even made up a funky rhyming song about how my life sucks. I cant remember any of it now. What mainly sucks is when I write stuff on here, it becomes a display of things I do, instead of working through thoughts. So, when I finish, I still have these thoughts. This is supposed to HELP me, but instead its a catalog of things that I do to occupy myself. Yes, occupy myself. I dont feel I have a life, and I dont feel I will have a life for YEARS. I'm pretty much dead to even myself.
But at least now i'm starting to watch movies while listening to music while playing a game (like I used to do). Oh well. Back to Galaxies....
Mood : Destroying myself internally.
Music : BT - Never Gonna Come Back Down.
Watching : Aliens Special Edition LaserDisk
Quote : "I Am the ULTIMATE Badass.
State of the BAD ASS art.
You do NOT want to fuck with me."
- Hudson (Bill Paxton) [Extended Scene]
Friday, August 1, 2003 03:13 a.m.
Damn. Days are getting bad for me. For those of you who dont know, the link on the right is for my Livejournal account. Feel free to add me to whatever friends list / leave comments, etc. I post random stuff I'm thinking throughout the day on there, and summarize my day now here. I'm down to one blog entry on this blog per day. Thats why they're so long.....
My day was sleeping really late to avoid more things to think about. Then I watched Azumanga Daioh 8, which made me depressed as hell. Played some Starwars Galaxies up until I left the house to go out with some friends.
During the drive out, listening to some music, I ended up crying. I started crying about things, screaming lyrics, etc. The normal things I should be doing, but I've been hiding from. All these things, and I've been doing too much thinking. Shouldnt I be destroying myself? But I havent, I've been reliving things. Which all leads to :
NOTES TO KIM :
Im sorry. I've been sorry. I know i've done things that have hurt you. I know all this is partially my fault. We were hurting each other. I know these lyrics explain how you feel, but they also explained how I felt.
Staind - For you
All your insults and your curses make
me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I am nothing but
you made me so do something
'Cause I'm fucked up because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give
Yes, i did this stuff to you. But you also did this stuff to me. I sat with you, worked with you for 2 fucking years. I helped you become stronger, helped you become the person you wanted to be. But I went through some stuff, went through things that I didnt understand. I had self doubts, I had problems. AND YOU FUCKING RAN AWAY. A FEW MONTHS AND YOU WERE FUCKING DONE. WE WERE FUCKING MARRIED. WHAT THE FUCK IS IN YOUR HEAD?!?!!?! YOU FUCKING JUST STOPPED, LEFT ME FUCKING THERE BY MYSELF? AND I TRY TO COME OUT AND YOU FUCKING HURT ME SOME MORE!!!?!!?!! THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!!?!? Then you finally get to a point where you dont want to deal with it anymore and you find someone else?!!!! You had no trust in me, had no trust in us. Was I carrying the relationship that far? Were you that unstable to begin with? You knew I was unstable, and infact, loved me for my near insanity? But when it becomes apparent, you just close up? And now you're with HIM, like thats something you want?
End NOTES TO KIM
I've been thinking about things all day. I have much remorse, but also anger. I feel so bad, my life is just fucked, and I cant think of any way it could possibly get better. I went out with friends, danced a little, but looked around. Once they started playing Rap / R&B music, I just stopped. I just stared. I looked, everyone THEN started dancing, and they were the ones looking at me wierd when I was dancing, but now they're just moving back and forth and having fun. I cant do that. The music doesnt involve me. I looked out, looked at everyone. I cant relate to people. I just look and think "what are these people going to do with their lives.". Or, "What are their dreams? Do they even have any?". I tried looking at women, but none are as beautiful as Kim.
Nobody is as beautiful as kim.
"You dont love a girl because she is beautiful...she is beautiful because you love her." - Reitteration of an old quote I posted on here. Its so true.
I'm both very sad and angry at the same time. Im surprised my heart hasnt exploded yet.
Regardless of all this, i had some fun. Listening to conversations in the car afterwards was fucking hillarious.
And I"m supposed to go pick up Frank tonight / this morning too.... I'm not sure if I'm up for that anymore. Alchohol - hyperactivity = slow myself down.
I miss my Kim.........but she's now some other entity entirely...
Mood : Needing to change events.....NEEDING....
Music : Radiohead - Creep
Quote : "I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here"
Thursday, July 31, 2003 02:19 a.m.
LOTS of posting done today. I just finished a nearly 15000 character post on soulcalibur.com. Check it out HERE .
Didnt do much today. Ended up moving the huge 29'' monitor up to the room i'm staying in, so I can play Starwars Galaxies (Grrrr to Lucasarts for forcing the game to play in 1024x768). Oh well, I forgot how much I heart his monitor. I forced myself to sleep until like 4 or 6pm or something. It was late. I was awake early, I just didnt want to get up. I was having thoughts.
Todays thoughts were interesting. I was thinking about persuading myself to believe Kim was dead again. And how much easier that would be on me. But then I was thinking, if she were to die, what would her funeral be like?
I mean, ok. Look. I'm her husband. Plus, I know her better than anyone. So, essentially, it'd be MY funeral to coordinate, etc. Everyone would be mourning with me for her loss. I would have to speak. And I would cry alot. I would play her favorite song. I would display some of her art. She would be very beautiful.
Then I started thinking, what if HE were there? Would I prevent HIM from going to her funeral? Or would I tolerate it? HE doesnt deserve to mourn her. HE essentally, would cause it. Since HE was the catalyst for her leaving me, and if she were to commit suicide, it would be HIS fault. How could I stand face to face with that man, or even see him linger in the back?
I had to wake up at that point. I told myself, I either have to go out and do something, distract myself, or i'm going to die. Later that night, though, I laughed very loud. I got a call from my lawyer. OMG. She wanted to go over my explanation of things again. Frell, that reminds me, I need to draw a map of how the apt was, and where people were standing. :P Too bad I have a memory of such things, my memory of the whole event is VIVID.
So, what made me laugh? The police reports.
I'm so going to scan these in and post them when I get them. They're the funniest things I've ever read. I dont remember exact things on them, but frell, I'd put myself away if all I had was to read the reports! From both her dad's report and the police's own observation, i look like a lunatic. Totally. The police said i was on the ground, hitting the ground, and screaming incoherently. That is SO UNTRUE. Dude, i was rocking back and forth, crying, repeating "please let me pace. I need to walk". They knew that, I asked them this repeatedly (I was in trauma at the time, so even though I KNEW i needed to chill, I wasnt, and had no control). They responded to me, saying "no, you need to sit right there". So retarded!
Her dad's was the best. He was like making things up, saying I pointed a finger at him, and threatened him directly. Just all kinds of blatant random stuff. I dont remember exactly, but it was all made up crap. Totally. To the point, where he didnt specify that he hit me, i stood there, then he backed off, tried to get me to attack him ,then he rushed me. Somehow, he like forgot this detail. Not only forgot, but made some totally other stuff up. OMG, its fucking COMEDY. I cant wait to get the report so I can remember. My parents were like "this isnt funny, you shouldnt laugh", and I was like " OMG, if you heard all the stuff he was saying, WOW.....", and they were like "Well, thats what you're being charged off of.". I couldnt help laughing though. I dont know if you could write a fight script better, from the stuff he was saying. If thats what he believes, then he needs some memory conditioning training. The question is, "well, since you were in the event, and went into trauma, could you have remembered things differently?" Answer : NO. Because I was sent into trauma, i'm reliving these events over and over in my head. I cant help but to think of these things. My story as to what happened is the exact same, from day one. Whenever I remember events in my life, they're in 3rd person. I can remember where people were standing, order of events, etc. I REMEMBER. I am no lunatic.
So, we'll see how that goes.
And I'm still caring for her. This cycle of me being concerned for her is neverending.
Talked to my mom for a while about "what is me". She's been through a lot of crap and is still about the "time will heal" sort of mindset. Albeit this is very true, I'm not one to wait for time. Some change in me has to occur. I've lost all hope in existance, and without a change, I still wish this existance ended. My imagination hurts to use. Too many memories. Too many ideas that I wanted to work on with Kim. New ideas make me want to talk to her about them, and get her happy with fun thoughts in her head.
So, yeah, today was blah. Talking to people online helps, but now i'm fairly drained from posting and posting and posting. I'm not sure if i'm in the Starwars Galaxies mood anymore.
Monitor, I heart you.
Mood : Drained
Music : Orgy - Fiction (dreams in digital)
Quote : "Do you wonder what it's like
living in a permanent imagination?
sleeping to escape reality
but you like it like that."
Staind - Falling Down LYRICS
Wednesday, July 30, 2003 03:03 a.m.
Very tired. Not sure what to post. I throughout the day have various things to say, but Im not writing them down in notebooks. I guess I have a general breakdown of my day :
Woke up, and did some minor updating on website stuff as well as image resizing for the Banana Ken vs Jeffry pics (which took way too long for the minimal work I did). Anyway, to your left you will see a MUSIC PAGE link which declares what music im' currently listening too. Comments on that will be added within the next few days, as it'll take me forever to make the pages, etc.
Then, I went to Ben's place to hang out for a while, and talk a whole lot about Starwars Galaxies, which Im going to start playing again (once I drag my 200 pound 29'' monitor up these frackin stairs...) Stupid game has to run in 1024 and this monitor only does 800. Lucasarts can suck it.
Then I went to Stargate to hang out for a little bit, and we went to this other place for a bit and I played a really crappy game of chess. I should start relearning how to play for the 18941th time.
Then I came home and talked to Frank and Candice for a few hours. Thats my day. Listened to music throughout it. Had some thoughts I had to repress, and my heart hurt for a while. This is, I guess, what is to be a standard day for me. This weekend = barbeque at bens, and I go get Frank from Austin, and we go try to goto some clubs. Next weekend is a LAN party at Steve's, and the week after that is my Seattle visit / courtdate. The weekends are easy, its the frelling weekdays that are hard to fill.
And of course, sometime soon, I have to rejoin the workforce. What strange and hurtful things will become of that? I still feel that Im going to die from heartbreak during one of these attacks. And i'm switching between feeling sexually repressed (havent done anything in a LONG while) and feeling sick by the thought of anything sexual. Good times...... good times....
And Im now in music avoidance mode full force, since I'm not in a position to go through emotions, I have to avoid many a song now. I cant even listen to some Apoptygma Berzerk....or the Deftones......GRRRRRRr..... A new apartment will be both a relief and a great sadness. And to quote candice ...... "I need a hug"...
Mood : Feeling removed from myself, avoiding MY LIFE as best I can.
Music : Staind - Falling Down
Quote : "What's happened to you?
It's obvious you've changed
Something deep inside you is probably to blame
Must be lonely up there with your head up in the clouds
Even though you got there what does your conscience tell you know?"
Tuesday, July 29, 2003 04:03 a.m.
Today was fun, for the later part.
Most of today, I slept. I slept forever. I slept late. I woke up, then slept some more. Both from not wanting to face some emotions and from catching up from what I lost in Tulsa. And from not having anything to do.
Emotions caught up with me, and I went through some...not happy.
I woke up finally and watched Azumanga Episode 7. It was much better than ep 6, and the dog is sooooooooooo cute. After watching it, though, is what sent me into my emotional breakdown. I had to find a way to kill that, so I tried calling Ronnie. After getting a hold of him, I ended up going out. I went to 2 bars with him, Ben, Jake, and Danny (old friends from school). Hanging out with them was great, and I ended up drinking more alchohol than I have before (since I usually drink stupid stuff). By the end of the night I drank 3 Bourbon and Cokes and 3 Rum and Cokes. Because I paced myself properly, I put myself at the OK level, where my reactions are slightly delayed, and my movement creates an interesting sensation, but i'm in complete control, just feeling quite a bit light. Since I've lost complete control before (once when I ripped through the crowd of people to get to Kim and one due to trauma), I know i'm in complete control. Interesting feeling. I really still really want to go listen to loud music and dance. I really need to dance, and will sometime this weekend. Being in this state and dancing will be interesting....
I've been needing to dance since Tulsa, and I think that will become a major part of my life. I'm huge into music right now, and I require listening to music for most of my time. I have headphones on all the time while sitting near my computer. When I get my own apt, my sound system will always be playing something. Music used to be VERY important to me, and now it is again.
Hopefully Frank will come down this weekend, so we can do some crazy stuff this weekend. I still have the rest of the week to figure out stuff to do, though. This is increasingly getting difficult, distracting myself, but hopefully it will pay off in the longrun. Right now, I smell very much like smoke. And now, I crash. Huzzah!
Its good to know that everyone down here still likes the Toadies, and will listen to the song 3 times in a row, screaming the lyrics.
Mood : Lightheaded.
Music : Toadies - Tyler
Quote : "And she runs through her days with a smile on her face
And she runs, and she waits, and I wait..."
Monday, July 28, 2003 03:00 p.m.
I thought I had written something else while I was up there. Found it way late last night, and was too tired to edit the previous post. So, I'll include it now.
ENTRY 4 (Thursday night)
Today, I went to Tulsa. 8 1/2 hour drive out, paced up most of my stuff (lots of stuff I may not sue). Oh well, I fell better with it here.
Anyway.
Its fairly fun here. Again, as I usually am in crowds, Im loud, obnoxious, and making fun of everything. I cant really help it, its just my personality. Once aspect of it.
Its semi-hard to explain to people that I will no longer be married. Everyones supportive about "moving on", and dont even try to think they know what i'm going through. Thats pretty nice. I wish I could take happiness from that, but things still hurt. At least, when I'm not thinking about things, im very distracted, and dont have a passing thought about her.
When we were at IHOP, some people were waiting for seats, and one guy put his hand around his girls hips and his hand around her butt. I was ok until then, but then I realized that someone else is touching HER right now.
And as a husband, I want to protect her...
Luckily, that was one of the only thoughts for the day.
Rest of the day (Soul Calibur wise) was fine, because of the social atmosphere. I'm not thinking about her much, I'm talking to people instead. Playing SC hurts only in that I am very bad right now, and am not thinking while playing. Also, my execution is really bad.
Its good to see all the SC.COM fools again, and meet some new people. However, I dont know if I can stay this interested the whole weekend, nor am I looking forward to going back to houston. After all, I didnt want to go there in the first place. I got a speeding ticket on the way up here. 80 in a 65 (freeway). Gay ass ticket. Some messed up speed trap too, cause after proceeding on, 4 cop cars stopped a bunch of cars in the same area. Stupid. I had just reached the peak of a hill rise too, so I could have sped up for various reasons. Oh well, I care not. The ticket is just another "event" in my new menial existance.
My nauseous feelings are coming back which is probably stress due to pent up emotions.
And my ever growing need to intervene...
Mood : Summon Suffering (SS)
Music : Apoptygma Berzerk - Kathy's Song
Quote : "Come lie, next to me..."
END ENTRY 3
Anyway, that seems odd to put as an entry after all the previous stuff, but I'm not one to go edit. It loses the continuity of these things being Journal entries.
Theres more stuff to end up writing, especially about interesting Tulsa things, and new jokes, etc. However, that comes later. I'm still not awake now.
Mood : Waking up....
Music : None....(interestingly enough)
Quote : None either....
Monday, July 28, 2003 05:36 a.m.
Alright. Its 5:36am on Monday morning, and I got back in at like 4:30am.....
I feel like trash, and want to listen to something thats going to blow my mind....however, Winamp just randomizes the SAME STUFF, even though I have 500+ songs. Evil system.
Anyway, I went to Tulsa, OK this weekend for a big Soul Calibur gathering. (thus explaining my absence from the online world for 4 days). As a city, Tulsa might be cool, but we only saw a very small area of it. I wanted to go out and go do something like goto some random club or something, but every time we ended up even thinking about it, it was like 3:30am and we were at an IHOP. This weekend was awesomely fun. Having access to the ARSAV helped, as we had a whole lot of people to cart around, and I didnt have to ditch all the stuff I brought somewhere. I slept in the ARSAV as well, which isnt the most comfortable thing (at least sleeping on the leather seats), but it worked. Most of the weekend consisted of me being really loud and annoying, a personality which surfaces itself without warning.
However, despite some of the boring times (when everyones interested in Calibur, and I'm not, and I want to go do something :P ), most of the time was anarchy fun, making fun of people, talking loudly, and overall enjoying everything. Just the distraction I needed. However, this things end up not lasting, and I'm back here.
While I was there, I ended up thinking about things as well. I hate that, I can never fully escape. Most of Saturday (I think?) I wasnt feeling very well. I didnt play in the Major tournament (PS2 version) because playing the game that day totally was making me nauseous. Even most of the time, I wasnt really "playing". My ability to play Calibur now stems from things in my head that already exist. Patterns. SC2 Neural Pathways. I dont think while fighting, I just follow these preset things. I havent thought since just before Nationals, and continue to play like a child.
To all those there who wanted to play me thinking I was any good, I'm sorry. I am no longer. I dont think I want to get back into competitive gaming on the level I was either, and therefore, I may never be good again. I probably dissapoint most everyone there, because they slaughter me and think "This guy went to nationals?". Well, when I qualified for Nationals, I was a GREAT Ivy player. Most probably can never believe this, looking at how I play now, but back then, I was doing very interesting things....
Between the problems I WAS having, and resigning to the fact that I would never be the BEST at something, the whole Nationals experience destroyed the one part of me that I was focusing on though my "depression", and that is to become the best at something. After being in Vegas, playing a little with the Japanese cabinet sticks, and trying to use a controller on an arcade machine, I figured I would never get used to it, and only focused on the social interactions, rather then trying to play the game. This action alone destroyed my ability to play the game forever....
And I still think that people dont understand how much fun I ended up sacrificing at Nationals in a futile attempt to video tape the whole thing. This is why I didnt touch my video camera in Tulsa.
Anyway....
Hanging out with everyone at the gathering, especially the times at IHOP and everything, was awesome. I felt that some people actually liked me for once in a very long time :P (which might not be true, but at least they tolerated my exuberance). I was able to be totally loud, and geek out about Soul Calibur, when I wanted. I also was able to geek out about various other things. I talked Robotech with Will for a while (for which, i was made fun of , but whatever. Im used to that). I was able to geek out about anime with a Tulsa SC2 player named Jill? (which I was made fun of about because people thought I was hitting on her.). Now, while "hitting on someone" entails much conversation, which very well may include many things I was discussing, my initial intentions were not as such, and I still am very not understanding about this whole "single" thing. My intention in the conversation was to continue conversing about anime until my head exploded. I was able to play a game of chess against Rob (destroyer), but I got annihilated. Hooray for me being STUPID now. I need practice. I was also able to geek out about Star Wars and various other things, which made the car ride back much shorter. DJ (DT)and Christian would make fun of me for being a dork, but they're equally as dorky as I am, but dont want to admit it (sorry guys!). 45 minute Starwars arguments == total dorkness.
I also went off on a 20 minute symposium about different aspects of Dancer in the Dark, and how wonderful a movie that is. It truely is beauty in filmmaking.
I really wanted to go somewhere where I could listen to music and thrash about, or whatever. I then realized that I could turn the ARSAV's musical entertainment on, open the doors and back window, and listen to things in the parking lot. I thrashed around the lot listening to Live - "Stage". That song allows me to project my anger.
All during the weekend, i couldnt totally avoid thinking about things. I wrote a few things down in a new notebook I purchased. I guess I will post those here now. I dont remember what day these were written exactly on, but they are their own entries, as if I could post them on here. Enjoy.
ENTRY 1 (Friday?)
Passed another day. I dont really have to write anything, but I just am, to do it. I didnt think about much today. I wanted to go do some stuff; I did. Played a lot of Asta vs Asta matches for the "Asta of the Universe" award. This will continue tomorrow.
I totally was loud and crazy today, one aspect of my personality I havent used in a long time. I titally geeked out about anime too. Fun, fun, fun. At least I retain a lot of my anime knowledge still. My calibur skills are bad, but my fun level is high. I can have fun without being crazy, but I guess I like being the center of attention. I never needed it before, or strived to, and I ended up being that way, and previously that was true. I think, subconsiously now, this is true. Im still unsure about what I want. Im still holding onto the old personality. I dont know yet if I want to destroy the person I was. I still give no worth to my life, but Im not sure if when my existance ends, if I want these things I have held as a part of me intact or not.
At least these things arent affecting me right now. I'll have time later (forced :( ) to brood. Right now, i'm having "fun". Its too bad it wont last, but then again, what does?
Mood : Resorting back to my introverted personality from my loud, annoying personality.
Music : Ghost in the Shell soundtrack.
Quote : "Its too bad she wont live, but then again, who does?"
End ENTRY 1
ENTRY 2 (saturday)
New day. Saturday. Wearing the BATMAN Pants. Woke up, and I already felt bad. MY sleep isnt good, and if I dreamt, it must have been bad as well.
I dont feel very good still. We went to Chick-Fil-A, and it was filled with families. It made me very SAD. Some guy was standing in line and kissed his (i guess) girlfriends head.
Today, Im in a BADdepressed mood.
And my voice is slightly damaged from all the rambunctiousness last night.
End ENTRY 2
ENTRY 3 (sat.)
Still feeling bad. SC is boring, and I just sit around staring. Only distraction I had was attempting to diagnose a nonfunctional mod chip in an XBOX. End result was the negative lead from the motherboard isnt connected properly at the board. I introduced a temporary fix (hope it doesnt screw things up), but it took me way too long to diagnose that problem.
Im starting to think about THINGS. I really dont want to be, but I am. Im getting very angry at Kim, yet concern and a growing need to intervene (what else is new?). In the forefront is the anger and sickness that these events make me feel. Especially the sickness of the thought of her being with HIM...
And I do really feel sick...
...I hate watching couples playing Video Games...
...she was so cute in her glasses...
Mood : Sick to my stomach
Music : Smiths - How soon is now?
Quote : "You shut your mouth, how can you say, I go about things the wrong way?"
End ENTRY 3
Its 6:20am now, and im still writing :P Thats all the entries I added on the weekend, even though I should of have added more. I just was trying to avoid thinking about this sort of stuff....why should *I* be the one to dwell on these things?
Anyway, I guess hooray for Tulsa! The SC community needs more events such as that, so everyone can get together and act crazy. This playlist is still playing stupid things, and I guess I should goto sleep. Hooray for evil BLOG posts. :P
Mood : Introverted, and body fatigued (as always).
Music : Live - Stage
Quote : "Come to this, I can't come to you
Don't do this, wake me up tonight
Come to this, I won't come to you
Don't do this, wake me up tonight
Tonight, tonight, come on motherfucker"
"Yeah, he was a "rock and roll Soul Calibur messiah"
How could you stand too late
Beside her
Messiah...
Beside her?"
Thursday, July 24, 2003 12:13 a.m.
Today was........interesting.......
More future plans are becoming finalized, and I'm going to have to find more things to look forward to in the future. For one, the Tulsa trip is occuring starting tomorrow, so that'll be one "goal" gone after this weekend. Not having these short term goals makes me depressed. My next one after this one, I guess, is find a job, and plan for my Pre-Trial Hearing on Aug 13th.
Went with my parents out to Hempstead to look at new vehicles for my mother. She ended up buying a new TANK, and I get her old TANK (now refered to as ARSAV) for my personal use. Fun, fun fun (see Livejournal update for TANK info). So, I get to drive the ARSAV to Tulsa. 10 hours of fun fun fun fun fun fun fun, to get depressed at Soul Calibur, hopefully distract myself with a flotilla of people, then drive back to return to this existance. Oh well, theres not a lot I can do.
I'm doing sufficiently well at holding back these emotions that I'm sheltering. I guess updating information on what i'm thinking is doing the trick. Its not that im afraid or dont want to let them out, I just dont want to do it around people, and in a place that I dont consider "home". I was having many problems sitting in the car place, waiting for paperwork, etc. Looking around, I was just seeing people leading their lives, and thinking about my life that I lost. I also couldnt help thinking about how beautiful Kim is.
Today I was thinking about how much easier it would be for me to return to the thought that Kim is dead. I think I might try this again. Its easier for me to live day by day thinking that I can do these things we dreamed of in memorium of her. Since she is no longer "Kimberly Chase", I can do things for that name, and dedicate it to her, because in a way, Kimberly Chase is dead. If I take Obi-Wan's perception of things, "The person that was Kimberly Chase no longer exists. So, what I said was true, to a certain point of view." Im still haunted by thoughts of recociliation, or of her life going to hell, and me being there to keep her together. Times like around 7pm Central time, where I think, hey, its 5 in Seattle, and she's getting off of work, hurt. I used to do that when I was last down here, waiting for her to call. When she wouldnt call by 11:30, i'd get worried. When she didnt call the next day, I'd get frantic. I didnt know if she was hurt, dead, or what. Now I know. She gets off of work, and goes over to her new boyfriends house, plays games, has sex, and cuddles. So, I have to stray away from these thoughts. Thinking she's dead leaves me to just be sad for her loss, not in pain because of her actions.....
While talking to like 6 different people on AIM and MSN, I'm trying to watch "The Neverending Story". Staring at the skyscape on the verge of a rainstorm down here made me want to watch it. This movie is awesome. Its about dreams, ambitions, imagination, and risking your life for those things. The real things that matter. Not money, greed, material possessions. This is the aspect of myself that I must regain. This is part of myself that I gave to Kim, and that she took with her when she left.
The title / ending theme is beautiful.
Rock Biter sitting after The Nothing destroyed most things is very sad. Despite all his efforts, all his strength and belief in himself, he couldnt save his friends. They were torn out of his hands, and he couldnt do anything about it.
And he is left there....
...to his thoughts...
Mood : Repeating a song in my head.
Music : Limahl - Neverending Story (Soundtrack)
Quote : "Turn around,
Look at what you see,
In her face,
The mirror of your dreams..."
"Show no fear,
For she may fade away,
In your hands,
The birth of a new day..."
"They look like big, strong hands, don't they?"
Wednesday, July 23, 2003 04:13 a.m.
Today was good, and bad.
Most of the earlier day was bad. Very depressing, and thoughts and emotions start to resurface. Questions, and concerns are resurfacing as well. (a lot of this was focused into the previous BLOG entry).
I finally decided to do something, and thought "I might goto Stargate, since there might be some Calibur players showing up tonight". Then, when I tried to execute this plan, I got VERY sick feeling. When I was down here for regionals (after qualifying), I went looking for Stargate, and was talking to Kim on the phone. Searching for Stargate again would make me remember those feelings, and hurt like hell. It was starting to just THINKING about facing those feelings. So, I continued to try to supress these feelings. I watched Azumanga Daioh episode 5 (first ep I have). Not that great sofar, but I have many episodes to watch.
Anyway, after lots of stuff, I figured, fuck it. I should go just because. So I headed out to Stargate. It was easier to get to than I thought. 288 ends right on the street that Stargate is, so 15 minutes after leaving the house, i"m there. Entering into the place, they've changed suites, but are in the same location. The SCII machine is OFF!!! I'm like, dude that sucks. So, I look around, and see a bunch of cool fighting games, many old. I would like to play some of them, but some I end up avoiding (reasons later). Others (like 3rd Strike, are being played competitively, and I suck at them now). Anyway, I play a game of Tekken Tag (which I suck at) and get wasted. Then the owner turns on the SCII machine. So, I move over to it, and a few players move over to it as well. One is DevilJim, who I beat for 4th place at Regionals. So, we end up playing some Calibur 2, and since I was planning on driving to Tulsa anyway, I invite them along. DevilJim is going to go, Calibur (player's handle) might go, if he can get the time off of work.
Anyway, there are 2 games in particular that I was interested in playing, but couldnt. Street Fighter Alpha 2, and Garou (Mark of the wolves). Reason? Because while I was sitting around watching Calibur, I had thoughts that if I were to look around, I would see Kim either playing SFA2, or Garou. Also, while sitting there, I thought that maybe she'd come up and give me a hug while I was watching Calibur2. Seriously, I'm never going to get over this.....
Later in the night, I ended up breaking down and stomaching the Garou. I love that game. All the characters are so awesome, the game plays great, and its pretty to look at. Garou is my favorite Neo Geo fighting game.
After we all ran out of money, and it got late, we sat around outside talking. I left at like 3:15am...... if this happens on a nightly basis (or semi nightly), then that'll be very interesting. Something to do at night.
So, now I should goto sleep or something....
....and yes, I miss my Kim.....
Mood : Concerned.
Music : David Bowie - As the World Falls Down(Labyrinth Sdk)
Quote : "As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you
As the World Falls Down"
Tuesday, July 22, 2003 01:04 p.m.
Im starting to break down.....
I'm bored out of my mind. I cant do anything, and have no will to do anything. I dont know what to do anymore. And I cant stop thinking about wanting to talk to Kim, to find out if she's alright. I might have to send some spies out on her, just to make sure she's alive.....
I'm trying to listen to music, to figure out some sort of interest. There are many songs that come on, that I HAVE to skip. Apoptygma Berzerk - Unicorn just came on. I had to stop it.
"You hold the candle I once lit
You shine your light
When you forgive I cry
You run your fingers through my hair
And tell me itīs worthwhile, itīs all worthwhile
Even when I hate myself
Even when I feel your pain
when you cry
Even when my heart is cold
You assure me itīs worthwhile, itīs all worthwhile
You see what canīt be seen
You repair the damage done to me.."
I had to stop it at the Bolded part above. It hurts too much.
So, I had to write this, to try to shield away from these feelings again.
My parents are talking about going and buying a new car for my mother, and giving me the "TANK". That'd be interesting and all, but I really have no need for the tank. Feels like i'm driving a bus. Of course, I cant really tell them that, because they're gonna give me access to a vehicle for free. I cant be like, "Hey, just by me a 00 car, instead of buying Mom a new one, like she's been wanting." I guess I cant complain about free....
I'm going to look into getting a job at Space Center Houston. Makes me sad, because of course, it reminds me of Kim. However, there are some points, i guess, i'll just have to deal with the pain. And the lonliness.
I've been thinking about new relationships, etc. Trying to force myself into one, to distract me, to make me feel comfort. Sex is out of the question, but thats not what i'm looking for at all. I want to spend time with someone. However, every time I think about it, I get sick. Every time I meet someone else, every time I try to look at someone as attractive, I'm going to think "They're not as cute as Kim", or "Kim would have laughed at that", or "Kim's so much cooler than this person". Every future relationship will be measured off of the Kim scale, which to this point, has never been beat. Maybe I'll have to settle for something less than average, like she has.... settle for the "next thing avaliable"....
I talked to Frank for a little bit last night. Talking to him on the phone was a decent conversation, but when I got online finally, I ended up falling asleep. Then my computer did something wonky, some sort of extended sleep mode that I didnt enduce. Dunno. I had to take the power cord out for like 20 seconds.......wack. Anyway, I'm probably going to start hanging out with him every weekend, because the people down here go to sleep too damn early (yes, this means you Lee!!! :P ). Plus, he's single, so it doesnt feel as awkward. I guess it'd be better if the female friends down here HAD friends, but geeky girls never have friends, let alone SINGLE friends. Steve needs to come with me to go Austin visiting. Hooray...field trip.
NOTE TO KIM :
TALK TO YOUR FRELLING FRIENDS!!!!! CANDICE WILL BE UP THERE, TAMMY'S UP THERE, AND YOU CAN FRELLING CALL OR EMAIL FRANK, LEE, PETER, ETC. IF YOU LOSE THEM NOW, LOSE TOUCH WITH THEM, YOU MIGHT LOSE THEM FOREVER, WHEN YOU FINALLY REALIZE THE MISTAKES YOU'RE MAKING. YOU'VE GIVEN UP ONE FRIEND. WHAT WILL BENEFIT YOU FROM LOSING ALL THE REST, WHEN YOU KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP YOU'RE IN YOU WONT MAKE ANY FRIENDS OUT OF (FRELLING RECLUSE), AND WILL NOT LAST....
END NOTE TO KIM :
Thats my angry rant for the day, I guess.....
I'm getting desperate, and thats a bad thing.
Begin Erik Estrada Voice
"INNER STRENGTH........
INNER STRENGTH.................
CINNAMON!"
END Erik Estrada Voice
Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex soundtrack rules.
Mood : Broken. Desperate. BORED.
Music : GITS : SAC soundtrack - Run Rabbit Junk
Quote : "UH-OH!"
Monday, July 21, 2003 12:35 a.m.
Im in Houston now. Joy....
I really didnt want to come here, and now I'm here, and I'm really not wanting to be here. Everything hurts to look at. Now I have to persuade the parental figures to front the money for me to get an APT so I have a place that is MINE, so I can stop shielding these feelings i'm forced to hold back. However, doing so dedicates me to this place for 6-12 months in a lease. I really dont want to be here for that long, I dont want to be here at all. But then again, where do I want to be? I dont want to be anywhere. I dont want this life.... The only place I want to be is in the past, with Kim..... Anything other than that, I guess i"m just passing the time.... so I guess it doesnt matter where I am.
While I compile some thoughts, I'll post the spatterings of thoughts I had while in the car trip (I had many, but I only wrote down a few) :
SPATTERING 1 :
This part of me recovered, this viewing of things as beautiful again, resurgence of music, has nothing to do with the loss of Kim. I dont believe in "Things happen for a reason". I left to Japan, and my viewpoint changed. My soul reopened. Unfortunately, upon repoening, that also allowed it to be damaged...
SPATTERING 2 :
Being near Dallas reminds me of the night we spend in a hotel room for Peter's wedding. God, how I loved holding her. We fit together so well. I miss being her "little boy". I took much enjoyment out of little things she bought me like the Floppy Blue Dog, or SpaceBear from Ikea. I dont want to lose that "innocent" part of my persona, because that SHOULD be a part of who I am. However, it hurts so much when that part surfaces...
NOTE TO KIM 1 :
I dont hate you. I have a no contact order against me. Even without it, i've lost very much respect for you. I'm worried about you. Some day, I would like to be your friend. SOMEDAY. It will not be possible while you are with HIM. I wont tell you all the things I think or know about HIM, because you will never think a bad thing about HIM. I dislike the fact that you have no regrets. You will never regret giving me up. And you will definately never regret leaving me for HIM. Im angry at you...but not hate...
SPATTERING 3 :
I havent talked to Kim in a while. She doesnt talk to anyone. I dont know how she's doing, what she's feeling. I cant help her in any way. I really want to. I guess I'll have to learn to deal with that. I'm INABLE to do something for the first time in my life. She does not listen to me, and that makes me INABLE to help. I FAILED to protect her, and she lost her innocence because of me. I will never forget the way she looked at me when the cops handcuffed me and took me away. It was a look like I was insane, a psychopath. She mumbled something to the cops about me might having mental illness. That was not mental illness. That was trauma. She and her father did that to me.
Whenever she treats me coldly, non emotionally, that always angered me, and made me feel dead inside. That look she gave me far exceeds anything I've ever felt. I will never forget it. That was the last time I saw her. She is not my Kim. I have no idea what was staring at me, but it wasn't her.
NOTE TO KIM 2 (written today):
Kim, I'm sorry if you ned someone to intervene. I can't. I tried, and you were not receptive. I'm sorry. I still feel like I'm abandoning you. I really want to do something. I don't want to give up.
I'm trying to be strong.
I love you.
END PREWRITTEN CONTENT
Now, I guess I find a home, and work on finding a life. Finding something to live for. More waiting around. I need to destroy myself, so I dont care about finding something to live for. I need to destroy myself, take myself down to a normal person level, where all I care about is money and doing stuff every night. I need to destroy my innocence that I attempt to cling to. That part of me should be gone, but I keep holding to my "pureness", my sense of being a decent person.
The thought of Sex makes me sick.
The thought that she is out there, enjoying that, makes me even more sick.
Its so unbelieveable, it shuts down all processes in my mind. At points where that thought comes up, if I were able to end all thoughts, end everything, I would. It actually physically DUMBFOUNDS me.
I'm not sure how long I can last in this world, trying to be as "morally correct" as I have been in the past. I dont think I can function that way anymore. My place in this world, my time is past.
I used to understand so much about life. I, for a while, thought existance had some sort of grand scheme, some sort of reason. Now, linear time, concious thought, matter itself makes no sense.
Mood : Confused, afraid, anxious.
Music : Our Lady Peace - Sell my Soul
Quote : "I hold on I hold on
I can't let go of you
I hold on I hold on
Id sell my soul for you"
"...'Cause I was in heaven until
This world fell apart"
Saturday, July 19, 2003 02:14 a.m.
Made it through another day....and tomorrow I leave here for 2 more days of car trip until my final Houston destination. Joy....
Played pool for a good majority of the day. I was getting better (no where near where I should be, but better.) Then I was getting worse, then better. All in all, if I played for a while, I'd get better. Decent enough to not miss stupid easy shots.
I got a hold of some of the local Soulcalibur community people and went to an arcade for a while, played a bit, then went to Cepzeu's domain and played there against _wu and Darkegg. I suck now, really bad, and Im very predictable. I also dont guard cancel. Oh well. Soul calibur still makes me feel bad inside, but I play it for the social atmosphere. I wonder how i'm going to deal with the 3-4 days in Tulsa....
Playing SC made me feel lonely, as it usually does. Between games (cause I was losing and having to wait turns), I kept thinking that if I leaned back, I would be resting my head on Kim's lap. I so enjoyed playing games with her.
All day, I kept thinking about things, getting annoyed at myself for thinking about things, and getting sorta disappointed at life now. Kim says that she likes HIM for interests that she and HE share, that her and I do not, however, I can not for the life of me, think of what these could POSSIBLY BE! I mean, she NEVER told me, and totally refused to. Somehow, i think the answer is either its something that she's becoming interested in JUST BECAUSE HE is, or that its something that *I* am interested in , and have been, and she's trying to hide stuff from me to not hurt my feelings (as she has done in the past). The lies she told me still hurt. She had never lied to me before any of this crap.
I know HE's interested in some stuff that she is JUST TO MAKE HER LIKE HIM....I know that for a fucking fact. That angers me to no end....
I'm so in awe that I have no fears of aliens anymore. I had to drive at night through the dark nothingness of Colorado, get out of a vehicle, look to get all my stuff, go inside, come back out, get my phone, go back inside. All the time, normally, I would be scared out of my mind, thinking Aliens would be in every reflection, every darkness, behind every door, every tree. I sorta tried to imagine an alien coming out from the bushes. No fear. I dont want to push my luck, but thusfar, it is an interesting feeling. A person does need fears though, and continuing on without one is not good....
I want to be in my new apt, with my sound system set up, and play Rez. Stage 5 is SO beautiful.....I cant believe how beautiful some things are (like Macross Plus, and the Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex theme).... I've missed that part of my personality as well....
....and I love that Apoptygma Berzerk album (Welcome to Earth). Thanks Candice! XD
Mood : Hurt, but looking forward to beauty....
Music : Apoptygma Berzerk - Welcome to Earth
Quote : "Your name please?"
"Garland...Briggs."
"What do you fear most in the world?"
"The possibility that.......love is not enough."
Thursday, July 17, 2003 11:16 p.m.
Sitting around, still in Colorado. Today was a little easier to deal with than I had thought. I think, it was because of my awkward sleep.
I went to sleep, but never really slept. I had a dream, but I didnt really dream. It was more of an narrative, something which I could manipulate my actions in, and the events played out. I existed in this narrative all night, and most of the morning, and never really sleeping. Stressful, as it was a version of things that were happening. I was trying to get Kim to get away from these relationships she was in, trying to help her, yet getting into trouble along the way. However, in my narrative, she was in 2 relationships at the same time, and very uninterested in both my help or me. I dealt with this and the stress it brought unwillingly all night, and some of the day. So, both the relief that I wasnt in that situation, and that I had some control over my thoughts again helped today pass. I have dedicated myself to staying here another day, but then Sat morning, I want to leave, as I want to be in Houston by sunday night, in the hopes of hanging out with people before they goto their monday monotony, and Frank is supposed to be in town....
However, with this sense of needing to help Kim, that brought back my feelings of NEEDING to help her now, things which she wont accept, nor listen to, NOR can I do by legal recourse. So, I ended up calling Tammy again, asking her to intervene. I know its not exactly her place, but I cant think of anybody who would.
I bought the Apoptygma Berzerk "Welcome to Earth" album today. The store I was at had it for 14.99. Even though if they had Harmonizer (which Candice said she liked better), I would have bought that, im glad I bought Welcome to Earth. Not only do I not have most of the songs in .mp3 format, but overall its a good background album (especially when playing pool.) :P Listening to this album, there are reoccuring themes of aliens. Alien reports, interviews, etc. And some very spooky song segments. Sitting in the basement, with windows, reflections, darkness outside, and surrounded by forest, I am not afraid.
I have lost everything, and therefore am not afraid of losing anything.
There are parts of me that wish Kim would read this, so that she could hear some of the things I want to say to her, but cannot. Therefore, I think Im going to start a NOTES TO KIM segment, so that if she ever reads this, and only quickscans it because I ramble, that she will be able to pick that out easily.
NOTES TO KIM :
You are being submissive. You used to be very submissive, when you were with Rick. And now, you are doing it again. You had full freedom with me, and I encouraged you to find out what you wanted to do. Yes, sometimes I forced somethings to happen, but I always wanted you to think of yourself. I was always telling you that your sense of responcibility to anything or anybody (especially work) should come second to your self worth. However, you are resorting back to the submissive self. You have to have the strength to be ALONE, not filling a gap that you now have. You have not been without a relationship in over 7 years.
You really need to talk to your friends, and find your dreams. I know you better than anyone, as you know me. You're in this new relationship for entertainment, not love. You arent the sort of person who goes into stuff like that to pass the time. You are not a strong person that way. You dont want to hurt HIS feelings, but you've already destroyed me, someone you LOVED. Hurting someone who gained a crush on someone is inconsequential. If you are ever going to end the relationship, it WILL NOT be clean (especially concerning the person you are in that relationship with. He will take it to the end, destroying you in the process with his guilttrips that he's already demonstrated.) You need to do it now, before you get sucked in deeper.
To be in a relationship, to have love (like we had), you need mental fulfillment. You have to share your dreams with the other person, and dream together. Is HE even capable of having dreams and ambitions (such as we had?).
END NOTES TO KIM
Oh well. I try my hardest not to concern myself with her, but I cannot. She was my best friend, and I cannot leave that behind, no matter how hard I try. Im hoping that things will improve for me mentally in the future, but I dont see things like that happening. I still obsess about these things. I had passing thoughts today, that if in the future, because I still loved her, and was able to get through all this, if she had a kid with HIM, would I be able to be a father to that kid.
I know that this situation will never happen, that I probably will never be associative with her again, but I cannot help my thoughts.
I came to the realization, that even though it would destroy me, because the child is Kim's, I would try my best to take care of the child. I would try to be the best father I possibly could to the child, despite its (his / her) father. I would try my best to not hold that against it. I know that I would probably cry to myself on a regular basis, however, I think I would be willing to attempt it. Then I came to thinking, what if then Kim and I had a child, how could I possibly think of this other child as something NOT LESSER than her and my child. I felt that even though it would be one of the hardest things to do in life, that I would try my best. I would be the best father I possibly could be to both children, and hope that would be enough.
Then I realized how hard it must have been for my brother to be the father to the child that his ex-wife had before they got together. He's a very strong person.
Kim would have been the cutest mother. All my dreams of my life together with her are gone. It is still very hard to deal with these things, since these thoughts of the future have been my life.....
I never thought that I would be without her...
Mood : Hoping for a better tomorrow (future)....
Music : Apoptygma Berzerk - Fade to Black (cover)
Quote : "Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now he's gone"
The Cure - Pictures of You Lyrics
Wednesday, July 16, 2003 10:32 p.m.
....progressing forward......
or........at least trying to......
Its hard to hold everything in, to remain strong, for appearances. No use breaking down every second around people. I really need to get back to Houston, get my own apt, and start dealing with these feelings. I cant hide from them forever.
Leaving became an episode. I ended up having to break down somewhat as I checked the mail just before leaving, and there was a summons to appear in court the NEXT WEEK just to sign some stupid paper to remove the apt restriction on the nocontact order. Frackin, a summons. Like I couldnt just go down to the courtoffice and sign some stuff. Luckily, the lawyer moved the date to the next day, and we went and did that stuff, but I still lost much of my strength I was pretending to have, to proceed through this moving phase. I really still dont want to go, and I'm halfway to my destination already. I feel that i'm not going to be able to protect, be there to help. I still cant pull myself away fully, and probably wont be able to ever.
I hate being on a trip. I dont want to see anything, i dont want to spend time doing anything. I just want to be at my destination. Anything I do or see, just reminds me of my trip up to Seattle, with Kim. Everything I see, or experience, I just want to share with her. Staring at the stars while riding in the car, I just wanted to hold her and listen to music, and look at the sky....
Its harder too, because my mom wants to take time, and stay places and not rush through. I want in Texas by this weekend. I need to get done with a few things if Im to have a chance at regaining part of my soul. Hiding and pushing away emotions is not the way to do it.
Every second I am around, outside, inside, looking at the inside of this house, the basement, things in it.....all the things I experience everywhere makes me wish she was here. I wanted to have all these things with her. I wanted to take her to so many places. I want to return to the beginning and start it all over. I dont want anything more than what I had...
There is nothing more than what I had.....
Mood : Holding myself together, until I feel at home....
Music : The Cure - Pictures of You
Quote : "If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you"
Sunday, July 13, 2003 01:31 p.m.
Much less than 24 hours to me leaving back to Houston, and the impending doom of the events that need to transpire are forefront in my mind. Leaving Seattle for essentially forever. Leaving people that I know, to find life in a "new" city, but pretty much starting over from 5 years ago, exact.
However, now, I will be out of reach of doing anything to either get Kim back, nor will I be able to save her if anything occurs. Court order or not, I'd still give my life for her. Goto jail to make her life simpler in one way or another? Sure. Im a lost cause.
Last weekend here, and I was hanging out with the people I just met last week. However, theres a slightly different viewpoint on everything for me, very morose. Thats my viewpoint. Everyone else was having fun. Im just still messed up in the head, and will be for some time.
Its going to take a long time for my new apt to feel like home. Im not even in it yet, and I know this. Home has always been Kim, and I wont have that. I'll still be thinking that she's going to come home any second.....something that will never be true. I write these, and they touch on the same subjects I've written before, then I leave these posts without talking about other things I was thinking about. I just keep talking in circles.
I really wanted to goto AnimeEvolution in Canada, but this is no longer an option. With all the people I just met, and a slew of others available, I have not the resources or the time to do it. I have to return to the greater Houston area to restart my life (a life I no longer want). I get to goto the Tulsa Soul Calibur event, however. Personally, I want to goto AnimeEvo more, since I can meet NEW people, but meeting up with people I havent talked to since November is always a good thing, I guess. It'll be fun, but actually being around or playing Soulcalibur makes me feel dead inside. So, there'd better be ample distractions. Crackcocaine is my personal favorite.
Thinking about things, i'm brooding on the fact that Kim essentially left me because she found out that I was not perfect, that I was falible. Do I really make a display of perfection that people believe it? As a personality trait, Im not sure if that display (although a high leadership quality) is something I want anymore. If it could tear my marriage apart, I need to lose that trait. I always thought that I showed weakness to her, that I showed her that I was falible. I had phobias (aliens, falling), I had emotions, dreams, dead ambitions, and regrets. She was the only person I showed these things to, and I guess I put my trust in the fact that she would take care of me. At the time, I really needed it, and right now, more than almost anything.
Something needs to happen, something major in my life. It needs to happen soon.
My batman pants are totally pimp.....
Mood : Struggling to keep things in....
Music : Tea Party - Gone
Quote : "so, if you see my angel of light
with her sweet wine
could you let me know
because i think she's gone again"
Diary of Dreams - She and her Darkness Lyrics
Saturday, July 12, 2003 04:14 a.m.
I cant ever see her again.
I'm sitting here, and that strikes me. And I feel that it's an important feeling to post about. I know there is a lot unexplained, and a slew of other things I need to type out on this thing, but the only thing I want to write is.... I cant ever see her again...
She has been my entire life for 5 years, and thats it. I move back to Houston, and begin my life where I left it when I was 19. EXACTLY, except my friends have changed slightly.... but other than that, my life will be EXACTLY the way it was 5 years ago.
This is a prospect I am not looking forward to by any means, especially with me having lost everything already. It is just a mental finalization of the above statement which I keep repeating to myself in my head.... "I cant ever see her again."
I heard her voice on a message today. Hearing her voice makes me unstable. She sounds so cute, and beautiful....yet, her voice was sad. I just want to comfort her....to make her not feel any pain. Im not sure if she even feels pain, if what she feels is only guilt or something.
Im supposed to not think of these things, Im supposed to only think of myself. However, thinking of her is a part of myself. Or a part of the person I still am, and I'm going to have to find some way to tear that away. Because I'm moving back to Houston, I am requiring that I get a car and an apartment VERY quickly. Those things are what I'm going to be needing to move on, to live, to become what I am going to become, but Im afraid of those things. Not only are they finalizations, but Im expecially afraid of the apartment. I know I cant live with anyone else, I cant deal with that. I need a place that I feel is home. However, is there any place that really is home without her? (at least in my current mind?). I can only look to get the apartment, then somehow force that place to feel like my home....
Proceeding forward was much easier when I lived in the apt in Seattle.....when I could just use what WAS our place as a stepping stone, to slowly work forward.....
It was also easier for me to proceed forward when I could force myself to believe she was dead....
.....Then I didnt get these evil images in my mind.....
Mood : Unsure of anything
Music : Diary of Dreams - She and her Darkness
Quote : "And maybe, i'll be better off without you..... You left me here, with all my thoughts..."
SLIGHTLY OFF TOPIC FROM ABOVE, BUT I DONT WANT TO START A NEW POST.
I went and saw "28 Days Later" with a group of friends. The movie looked to me like it was filmed in 16mm (although the theatre was very small and I was very close. However, the framing and motion looked very 16mm). Content wise, it wasnt really anything new. Revamp of the standard Dawn of the Dead plotline (however, the movie doesnt hurt from that, because its pretty much assured that if something of this sort of catastrophe occurs, the same thing will happen). This movie had a very independently funded feel, as far as the sets, effects, etc go, which isnt a bad thing. I'm actually relieved to watch a non high budget film again. I was fairly involved in the movie, mainly because 1) I want something like this to occur, so I can have "purpose" again, and 2) I understand how these characters are feeling, loss of everything in their lives and all... However, I felt that the general storytelling could have been streamlined a bit. Music played a great part in the film, and actually built up scenes very well. The ending portion of the film was pretty good, but I was getting more and more uncomfortable watching the events take place (as it struck more personal feelings in me (which is why I have yet to see The Hulk :P ) ).
I should start a movie review section, instead of posting the information here. I saw Pirates of the Carabiiiennnnn, (YAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRR), but I'll start the movie review section so I can totally put up a T3 review, and make more intricate descriptions of both how I thought about the movie, and how the movie made me feel. I guess I put the 28 Days Later review in this section to sort of ease up the feeling of this BLOG.....
Friday, July 11, 2003 07:29 p.m.
New hotel, new experiences. I have to shuttle my computer down into this "business" area and set it up to connect to the internet...grrrrr....
But oh well. Went looking for a new keyboard, and for 2.50 in the "used keyboard" bin, I found an old IBM Clicky metal crazy cool badass keyboard that all supergeeks want, for 2.50. So, at least ONE good thing has occured, finally, after months and months.
And I ended up dropping my XBOX down some stairs accidentally. I havent tested it yet, but dropping Xboxes is always a good thing as well...even if they stop working. That might be bonus points...
So, my mother keeps pushing me to leave the state as soon as possible, and its just very annoying. However, I can see why she's pushing the way she does. I dont have to like it, however. My previous plan was great. Stupid Incarceration. Stupid life....
Looking through most of my stuff in the apt, theres a lot that I just dont want anymore. Then theres stuff that I know I SHOULD take, but am not going to. Then there stuff that I ended up taking, but I dont want, but I just threw it in boxes and boxes. Then theres stuff that I've had forever, and dont want to take anymore. I know in the future im gonna want everything back. But fuck it. Im tired of this shit. I just want a very minimal amount of stuff, and blam-o.....thats it. Im starting to ditch all cd cases and just put stuff in a cd binder. That streamlines a whole fuckload of stuff.
Still, Im ending up running away from things, by leaving quickly. I've done this action before, and I didnt like it one bit. However, this time around, I almost have no choice in the matter. My life as it was has ended. My life I've always wanted is over.
Upon cleaning stuff out, there was a series of stuff I just couldnt take. Too many reminders. Theres stuff I ended up taking, despite the reminders. I dont like that, but I cant help it. I wish I could be spiteful.....I would VERY MUCH like to take things that I bought for her. But I just look at it, and I go, well, I bought that for her, so she should have it......especially the things I bought for her in Japan. Those are almost the most painful. All the capsule toys, her 1001 Nights DVD, all of that. But I just cant, because I still care for her. Im a total retard.
Also, the sad thing is, I bought laserdisks, I am the LD advocate, I bought stuff for me, like Perfect Blue, and Amadeus and such, and I'm getting the LD player, but im allowing her to have those. I am a retard.
Im still feeling homeless, and Im still felling very sad, and VERY lonely. Going out to places, or seeing stuffed animals I want to buy make me very sad, because I've been to those places, or wanted to go with Kim, or Im wanting to buy these stuffed animals for Kim. I dont know if I'll ever get over these things. Things wont change for this in Houston. Having a new apt, or going anywhere will still make me sad. However, I have no choice, these things will have to be faced, unfortunately. My parents house will be tainted, because I sat in it, pacing forever, wondering where Kim was....
Hopefully hanging out with paired off friends or hearing sexual comments / humor, etc, will wear off quickly. I dont think I can go on for much longer trying to avoid these things. These things are very much starting to invade my sleep, and making me want to cry. I sat a night ago, trying to goto sleep, and I was thinking about how much I wanted to lie down on a bed and just kiss someone, but that someone in my thoughts is ALWAYS, and always has been, Kim. These things are comforting, until 5-10 seconds into it, when you realize what you're thinking about, and realize that she's off doing these things with someone else. Then the pain starts, very quickly, very painfully. You either go through the emotions (which I cannot do right now, especially with my mother present), or you force them away VERY FAST. Im not sure how long i'm going to be able to control them the way I have been....but if i'm to have any chance to make it back to Houston, I have to keep going...
Mood : Braindead (quite literally), and very annoyed.
Music : None anymore (although earlier, i had something...)
Quote : None again.....because of my Braindeadedness.
Thursday, July 10, 2003 03:44 a.m.
Late, late, very late. Havent updated in a while. Why do you ask?!?!?!?!
Because..........I went to JAIL. Yes, JAIL. Approx 19 hours in JAIL.
Reasons? I'll break it down much later, because I am very tired. Base facts : I received a surprise (unwanted) visit by Kim and her dad. After a while of conversations, etc, I ended up getting assaulted by her father. Kim called the police. I was Incarcerated and charged with 2 counts of "Placing a person in fear".
Much fun. It'd affect me, if I had anything to lose. Since i've lost everything anyway, I was like, eh, Im in Jail. I was cold, and tired, and wanting the stuff to go quickly, but overall, I wasnt stressing. It was an experience, nothing more.
Problem is, as a result, I can not go back to the apartment, which makes me begin to feel homeless again. And that makes me feel lonely again. And now, I have to wait for this stuff to play out, (court wise and all) as well as now having to arrange to forsure move back to Houston. Bah.
And through all of this, I'm still concerned for Kim. I still want her to be ok, and stuff. I didnt talk to her all week, and didnt want to because I was trying to be strong for myself. However, now by court order, I cannot talk to her. And now that I'm homeless again, I want to, because I STILL through all of this, WANT to help her.
Why am I so messed up in the head? Lets list how much of a victim I've been : Wife cheats on me, wife goes back and forth between me and him, I give everything to give her time to think (by leaving the state, giving her the apt and car for extended periods of time, multiple times, giving her time to herself) (which she doesnt use any of). I try contacting her friends to talk to her (which know nothing of this situation because she hasnt talked to her at all) I try talking to her myself, I try asking her father to intervene, everything..........I tried EVERYTHING. I gave everything up. Final Victimization is that *I* get assaulted, and *I* end up getting taken to jail.
And through ALL OF THIS, through all the PAIN that I've faced, through all the things i've given up for her, through all the damage she has caused to me repeatedly for months and months, I STILL CARE FOR HER. I still want her to be the person she (at least when she talks to me) WANTS to be. I dont understand it.
And yes, I still love her. I very much miss the things we had, and holding her.
Anyway, what sucks even more is people have been telling me i've been balding for like months now. But now, I SEE SIGNIFICANT HAIR LOSS. So now, now that I'm single, not only are all the girls either taken or not around anymore, but i"m gonna start looking old. WTF>>!>!?!?!? When does the pieces of my life start coming together, like people say they are? Supposedly, stress causes hair loss, and it'll grow back. It'd fucking better. I mean, fuck. Im almost 25, I dont need to look it because I associate best with 19/20 year olds......
Bah.....all I guess I can say is "Oh well".....Im braindead. Tomorrow, I guess I'll add more. I cant remember all the things that are affecting me right now, and all the sadness I have.
Seriously, this blog is nothing but me complaining about things. Where are the "good" entries? All I have is bad. I guess that happens when you lose everything you've ever wanted...
Mood : Unsure anymore, without an outlet for so long.
Music : Stain'd - Its been awhile.
Quote : "It's been awhile, but I can still remember just the way you taste..."
Sunday, July 6, 2003 09:07 a.m.
At the post LAN party party. (Day 2). I've been up all night, and up until 5am, was drinking some alchohol. Now that i've been without for a while, im starting to think about impending stuff, which I REALLY dont want to do.
Hanging out rules. Last night and the LAN party before(after Sleepdep kicked in) ruled and was much fun. Now, I guess I have to go see T3 again to keep with not thinking about any of the bad things, which are obvious topics, but I dont want to discuss, or even say the names attached, because I want to avoid all of that. I need to eat the pizza cooking now, because solid food will be my friend, then I can go back on the alchohol. I can only drink socially, because it doesnt make my body feel like total crap. I dont feel that I need attention, and I really dont think I can get even close to anything like trashed on the Mikes Hard Cranberry (which is my new favorite).
We're the total hardcore LAN gamers, almost minus LANing, cause we're not really playing games. But we're having fun.
Time to go put the pizza in.
Saturday, July 5, 2003 07:37 p.m.
After crying myself to sleep, I awaken, feeling dead, and not like running away anymore, but thats all I can do. The impending money problems for rent and such are pressing on my mind, but I choose not to pay attention. Those things shouldnt matter. They're material. If I cant pay rent, then whatever.
I still want to go into detail about fun things, instead of making this the brooding blog, but now is not the time. I will end this entry with what is written on a piece of paper taped above a half destroyed painting Kim did for my birthday. She was always hurt that I never put it up, but I realize now why subconciously I didnt. Its a painting of Max and Miriya (Robotech / Macross). I could never deal with putting the painting up because I viewed myself as Max Sterling for a time. Perfectionist, Ace, one of the most important people in the story, who found "true love". To me, Kim was Miriya, and I was Max. However, I wasnt Max. My "Ace Pilot" status was faltering. I could never do anything exceptionally again, and it affected me greatly (Thus the Soul Calibur persuit, etc).
What I never realized, is although Miriya and Max were the best at what they did, when they became in love, their love for the other person became forefront. Had I known that, the picture would have made perfect sense, and I would have immediately posted it up in my room. However, it kept reminding me that I was a shell / shadow of who I used to be, or wanted to be. It wasnt until I went to Japan that I realized that my all important ego and need to be the best at something was secondary to my care for Kim, and that is why I wasnt "right in the head" for so long.
After I returned from getting the car back / apt key from Kim on Sat, I took the picture and damaged it. I only damaged the Miriya / Kim side, as she is no longer that person, and maybe never was. I left the Max / Me side alone, as a reminder that this person who I was and strived to be, I will have to become again.
Anyway, the following is what I wrote a few days before giving Kim her ring back / etc..... :
"I want someone who will accept the attention I have to give.
I want a person who will respect my dedication, and me.
I want a person who will not cheat on me with a friend.
I want someone who doesnt repeatedly Lie to me or themselves.
I need to be me, and I need to be enjoyed.
Im not sure I am able to go on without these things. I either need to find these elsewhere, or to end this pain.
I hate the whore and her new guy, both of which I once called "friend".
They both have betrayed me, and continue to do so by their repeated actions and lack of concern.
Only one I can attempt to forgive. However, waiting for that chance destroys me.
I dont want to save myself from destruction.
I am not afraid.
I am just very tired."
Mood : UNKNOWN.
Music : Depeche Mode - Stripped
Quote : NONE
Saturday, July 5, 2003 02:07 p.m.
Went to the July 4th lan party. Twas interesting. Very fun, when I wasnt thinking about things.
Problem is, even though I care nothing for the 4th of July, I havent been without Kim during one. Even an insignificant holiday makes me feel dead inside. I just want to sit there, and do whatever, having her there. It makes me sad not to be able to sit around and hold her. I loved holding her.
Also, having people crash on other peoples floors makes me remember the time that her and I crashed on Chris's floor, when our car was broke, with the fireplace and cable. Those nights, holding her, is what I miss the most. It makes me cry not to have them anymore.
She called today, while I was about to write this. She wants to get stuff back because she has her new place. She's not sad about stuff, she doesnt feel lonely. She has all the comfort she could want. She just wants her computer and art stuff back. Fuck that. She cant have her computer. She doesnt break down every time she's reminded of this stuff. Im fucked up now. I was gonna go over to continue the LAN party, at someone elses house. Now I have to go through all these emotions again.
I was going to write all kinds of things about how the LAN party was fun, how it was a great distraction, that if I could continue those distractions for the rest of my life, I'd be fine. However, thats not true. I dont have the luxury that she does. Im getting angry, sad, and crying to myself again right now. Why does this sort of thing have to affect ME? Why cant *I* be normal? Why do I have to go through the pain? I dont want to go on anymore. This existance is menial.....and will never amount to anything.
Even if I could have Kim back, I'm not sure if I could accept it anymore, because of the pain, that I surely do not want to face....
...but I end up facing it anyway, at times like these....
Mood : NEEDING to be held.
Music : Sugizo - Aquarius after the Le Fou
Quote : "Where is my true self, where is my true love..."
Apoptygma Berzerk - Until the end of the World Lyrics
Friday, July 4, 2003 02:48 a.m.
I cant play Soul Calibur anymore. I try, because its one of the few games I still like, but it makes me feel dead inside. It also makes me feel very lonely. It reminds me of all the damage i've caused, and of Kim.
With Soul Calibur, I tried to become the best at something. I tried to be the best in the nation. I had a chance to do it, and I failed. Throughout all this, I wanted Kim to enjoy the game with me, and I ended up pushing her away. Soul Calibur was all I had at the time, and every loss, every inaccurate command input hurt, damaged me further. I tried to be the best player. I failed. And now, I have nothing left.
I started listening to music again. Some songs hurt, some give me strength. I still havent cried. I havent cried in almost a week. I know this isnt good for me, and Im just hiding from emotions. Its so easy to just hide, and "be strong". Its easy for me to "live my own life". I know this is the easy path, and that the path that is painful lets me get in touch with what is me, and my emotions. I took that path for 3 months. Its time for a break.
I also talk to Candice too much. Mainly, she's usually online late at night, and I dont have anybody to talk to that late. Also, she's pretty much the only person I have online to talk to. Also, also, I guess currently she's also my only female friend. I understand that Im not very interesting to talk to, but it gives me something to do. She's too nice to tell me to go away. However, I need to stop talking to her so often, because she has other things to do, and entertaining me shouldnt be one of them. If I'm going to take this time to waste my life waiting for something to happen, I shouldnt be wasting someone elses as well. I guess thats what BLOGS are for :P
I should start throwing most of this stuff away, and cleaning out the apt, so I can prepare to move away and forget about this stupid city, and its stupid inhabitants. It makes me sad to leave, because it means I wont be able to see Kim again. Its something i'll have to deal with. I'll never be able to be with her again, and I've been hiding from that fact, the fact that has always made me cry since I was in Japan. There are pictures of her that are sitting around. I know I should destroy them, but I cant. I have to store them somewhere so I dont have to look at them. I dont think I could ever be without them. Ive never needed pictures of her before. Now I cant live without them. Thinking of that is starting to make me cry.
Mood : Unexplainable.
Music : Apoptygma Berzerk - Until the End of the World.
Quote : "...half of me is gone, My dearest treasure torn away."
Thursday, July 3, 2003 02:53 p.m.
Reformatted the Blog. Its readable now. Its not the greatest, and I have a lot of work to go on it, but I have no design in mind. At least I can stand looking at it now. I need to put up pretty pictures and links and such.
I talked to the girlfriend of a friend a few nights back. She was concerned for my feelings about this sort of stuff. (note : I finally told a lot of the people who I hang around with what has been going on for the past few months). I pretty much told her everything I tried to tell Kim about the way I felt about things, and my realizations about everything that I did, and the things that Kim is now doing. She agrees with me that Kim is hiding in the "Rebound" relationship. I dont remember too many specifics about the conversation, but it was pretty much a decent conversation. She doesnt like the fact that I have no value on my life anymore, but she accepts that if I say I dont, that I actually dont. But she tells me to keep trying, because a persons life can totally change in 24 hours. I replied with "Well, mines 3 months overdue."
She also asked me if Kim came back to me, if I'd take her back. At the time, I said yes. I also said, I probably couldnt do it immediately, that it would take time for me to accept her back, but I would work towards it. I know it'd be painful, and I know it'd take years to try to work through some of the things. I also know that is probably "what is not best for me". However, it is what I want. I will never love a person in that same way again, and to the best of my knowledge, that is the most I could give to a person. I dont want to hold back anything, but I dont think I can give everything to a person again.
At the time, I said yes. There are times when I think, and say, "No. I cant go through that again." However, I know this to be me shirking from what I truely feel. Aside from ALL the betrayal, ALL the pain, and EVERYTHING that was torn from me, I still want to try. I did get married. I take that seriously.
When I told her that I'd take her back, all she pretty much had to say was "Wow".
I hope Kim doesnt think she can come back. I dont want her to do all this crap because she thinks that she can just jump back into my arms, having me in her back pocket. I have to show her that these things are not acceptable. She's probably living her days with this thought. She was lying to me constantly for 3 months, and going back and forth between us. She probably still views this as true. I think doing something like beating bobby down will both make him think twice about touching her again, and show her that she cant just come back to me, and I'll accept her. I really have to be stronger than I am. But i'm trying....
Mood : Distrustful, and antsy
Music : None, but today.....I dance.....
Quote : "Wow".
Thursday, July 3, 2003 12:32 a.m.
Got back from Mike Jones' place. Hanging out, talking about the best movie ever, T3. I have to put a review page up, but I think I wiped my mind out, i'll have to do it tomorrow.
Talking about stuff, grrrr.........Im still very angry at Kim. I miss her, I always will. Im more dissapointed in her than anything. Im very angry at Bobby. I still harbor bad
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