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MUSIC PAGE
What I'm listening to. (Featuring Comments!)
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Thursday, May 12, 2005 03:02 a.m.
This has been pretty much permanently moved to http://www.livejournal.com/users/zorexplusalpha
This one has a popup now, and the other has a better comments area and having 2 journals is not fun.
This remains as a document, to prove that I was here.
Some time in the future, it might be updated. But for now, it lies dormant.
End of Line.
Monday, August 23, 2004 04:05 a.m.
well i want you to notice
to notice when i'm not around
and i know that your eyes see straight through me
and speak to me without a sound
i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things i've already endured
I want to show you, show you all the things that this life
has in store for you
i'll always love you
the way that a father should love his daughter
when i walked out this morning
i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i'd be away for
i cried about leaving you all alone
i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things i've already endured
I want to show you, show you all the things that this life
has in store for you
i'll always love you
the way that a father should love his daughter
sweet zoe jane
sweet zoe jane
so i wanted to say this
'cause i wouldn't know where to begin
to explain to you what i have been through
to explain where your daddy has been
i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things i've already endured
I want to show you, show you all the things that this life
has in store for you
i'll always love you
the way that a father should love his daughter
sweet zoe jane
sweet zoe jane
Staind - Zoe Jane
Wednesday, August 11, 2004 11:25 p.m.
Yeah. Havent touched this thing in a long time. And pretty much for good reason. Attempting to keep myself sane, which isnt exactly going as planned. I might start on some medication to stop myself from having psuedo breakdowns, which I dont allow to fully go into affect.
Regardless, introspection is probably not a good thing at current. I'm trying to maintain some semblance of "reality" instead of delving into the fact that I still have nothing to venture towards. And I'm still avoiding lots of things. But the Deftones keep me company. :P
Anyway, I called Lee cause he's old now. And its that time of year again where I'm near becoming old, and well, yeah, 2nd time that I've missed her birthday.
Such is every subsequent year, I suppose.
But because most people probably will not remember, happy birthday...
Monday, April 5, 2004 05:28 a.m.
Long ass post at Http://www.livejournal.com/users/zorexplusalpha .
Mood : 5:30 am and I'm still awake, time to Kill Switch / FFXI at the same time! BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Music : Talk Talk - Its My Life Extended Mix
Quote : "It's my life
Don't you forget
It's my life
It never ends."
Thursday, March 11, 2004 05:17 a.m.
And you'd think when you finally have a good day, things might be stable for a while. Thats never the case.
I dont want to make this long. Watched Lost in Translation yesterday. I was happy to see Tokyo again. However, watching some of the scenes, I was like "This is what it would look like to watch her wander around Tokyo."
Sunday, I stood in the club I goto, standing against a wall, listening to the music, reciting the lyrics, and I cried. The whole time.
Today we watched the Royal Tennenbaums. Enjoyable. There was a scene about suicide. It seemed right. It made me break down. I still feel that pull. The "need" to end everything. AFter the attempt by the character, everyone was there for him. I doubt that would be the case. When I was in seattle, and I tried, I dont think she cared. I doubt she knew. If she did, would she have cared?
If I tried now, would she call? Would she show up?
Tonight, after the movie, I found that my friends car I was borrowing was apparently towed. To where? I have no idea. Two towing compaines (one that the apt complex refered me to) have no info. I have no money to spend on this. I walked home, wanting to talk to someone, crying.
I wanted to call her. I wanted to hear her voice.
I wanted to know if she is alright, if she is happy.
I wanted her to tell me everything is going to be alright.
But....I havent yet. I dont want to ruin her life anymore than I have already.
Sunday, March 7, 2004 06:50 a.m.
I got a call tonight, that isnt exactly something that I was expecting. Every time I get a call from someone in Seattle, its usually badness involved. That seriously is the place of nothing going correctly. In some ways, i'm glad i'm not there. I wish I would have moved away earlier. Anyway, I hear this stuff, and i'm like "god, for once, its not involving me, i can handle this." Apparently, I cant.
Without going into specifics, albeit I guess I could, but i'm not going to exactly because I dont know how the person involved would react.... Today, I have to talk with a friend, or aquaintence, or whatever you want to put in a inbetween phase of that, and tell her some things she wants to know about her current boyfriend.
Things I tried to tell her before she got involved.
So, yeah, shortening this story, cause this is more about me than anything, cause its MY blog damnit, and its about MY problems, I guess.... driving home I was listening to the Akira soundtrack cause we were playing Samurai Showdown 2 before I left and the GEn-An stage had the japanese old man yelling style music like in Akira. Anyway, i dont know if thats related. It very well might be. Akira soundtrack was something we'd listen to driving in the rain, when we were down here on a trip.
Anyway, I started thinking about, were I to get information about the current state of things and events of this persons boyfriend, and what he's been up to, as he's always been involved in shady relationship dealings, I was thinking about the people I'd have to contact in order to obtain this information. People I havent talked to since all this.
And for reason.
I dont know where they stand. I dont know who they support. Most probably want to stay "neutral". However, it led me to think about things. Things like, who She (from this point forward, the SHE is the soon to be Ex-wife, whos name will remain nameless for my sanitys sake), anyway, who she's probably been sleeping with. And, the fact that I probably know them.
These thoughts arent something that I TRY to think about. They just occur. So, thinking about these things, I delved upon the thought that, wow. I'm STILL hurt by even the ONE, and were I to know about MORE, I dont know if I could take that. And then worry sets in.....
Then I started thinking, well, you know, if she even tried to give me a final chance to "get over things", you know, it was what? 2 weeks?
How did she expect me to be alright with things in 2 weeks, when over 5 years I still couldnt handle ONE thing. Let alone a completely new one?
Yeah, well, this was all sadness as I still was thinking about all the things she's probably done in the interim. And I almost purposely smashed Crystal's car into the highway divider.
I had to hold my heart the entire way home.
Yeah. fun stuff.
Its funny how I tell people that still dont know me at all, that i've been married, and for an extensive long time. And then they're like "what happened", and I'm like "she left me for another guy", and then they're like "After that long?" and i'm like "yeah. This happened almost a year ago." And they reply "do you still care about her?" and i'm like "yeah".
And their reply?
"Wow."
Its not a normal "wow", or a you're hopeless "wow". Its like, a respect "Wow", or a form of envy "wow". "wow, you're the most dedicated person I know", or "wow, I want to be loved in the same way, wow". I'm not sure people expect love to maintain so long. And when they're faced with it, that they're amazed that it exists.
So, today, I get to pretty much break someones heart, and possibly their soul. And I'm supposed to go out tonight and enjoy music, cause its sunday. I suppose after work, the only way I can possibly achieve this is by getting trash drunk. I just really dont feel like drinking in the least bit, and havent for some time. And somehow, through all this, and everything in the past, I"m supposed to continue with some mundane life. Some normal existence, with constant reminders of a life lost. And this upcoming weekend, I have to go to a SoulCalibur tournament just for social reasons, then come back to likely work the next day.
Around people, I still maintain this facade. This "crazy" sort of person that people are frightened of. For some reason, it always surfaces. When can I stop this? I'm not sure ever.
Its rare that people see the dark me. I think most dont believe it. But its there. Its here, now. It stares at me, in the reflections of my commodore monitor, which displays nothing. It follows me in my sleep, and affects my consciousness. It pulls out all that which can affect me, no matter how small, and it tugs at the borderline, the path to insanity. It interacts with people, adjusting conversation slightly.
It shows me pictures.
And then it goes away, leaving me cold and empty.
And alone.
Music : Smashing Pumpkins - Today
Quote : "I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face"
Saturday, March 6, 2004 05:46 a.m.
I'm not really wanting to post, and there really is nothing that is new to talk about. I'm not wanting to be social. I turned off all of my instant messaging services, in case any of you were wondering.
I dont want to talk to anyone. I dont want to hear any more things.
I want to live a sheltered life, and live in my fantasy. I dont want reality to impose upon me, and have to face up to all that is going around.
I still want to be married.
I still want her in my life.
Or, at least, my visions of her. The her of the past. MY wife. Who WE were. Not what I am, and what she is now.
Depression is a good thing. It gives me solid time with MMORPGs. :P When I was heavy into my depression, I played SWG nonstop. Right now, I play some Lineage II, then some FFXI. I actually leveled my character some. I'm in a Japanese player linkshell, and it makes me realize how out of everything I am, how stupid I am. How much i've lot of my intelligence. Hey, at least i'm something. I'm the lunatic american who doesnt level who speaks broken japanese. :P It gives me purpose. Actually not. But, depression = gaming, in some sick way. I guess its better than crying myself to sleep.
Went to the anime club showing cause the TGA meeting ended up not being today, which I goto cause i'm psuedo involved in it. The things I get myself into... Watching random anime wasnt very good, lots of depressing episodes, and some relationship drama that i entirely was going to walk out during. However, I suffered through it. Had I walked out, I would be going over those scenes in my head over and over. Its best, i've found, to see it through, and have completion somewhere, so I dont dwell on a limited amount of it for the remainder of the night.
Watched the last half of High Fidelity at Al's place. he was gonna play FFXI and I was gonna play Ninja Gaijin (on purpose), however, we always get distracted. Thats why it takes us 2 hours to decide on food. John Cusack movies are the best, and now, his commentaries and realizations are mine. I only get this sort of thing, whereas he gets an entire audience to talk to. The movie puts some things about relationships in place. I dont want to analyze that. I did so earlier, and yeah, wonderful. I'll just say that, yeah, relationships have their bad times. Just ours didnt live through those.
Talked to Scott a few days ago online. I should talk with him more, but yeah, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, he's still attached with all this stuff. Him, bemani in general, and the entire VO crew. Sucks, but thats the way my mind works. 6 years of memories intertwined. Like PSO. C.A.R.D. battler came out,a nd if it werent PSO, if it were just a Phantasy Star thing, I'd be into it. Hell, if it werent Gamecube, or nintendo at all, prolly. I hate the GC and Nintendo in general now. I really hate the new Zelda game for reasons VERY MUCH attached to this relationship thing. Dont make me go into it. Regardless, ...... back on topic, psuedo topic, Scott sent me some wonderful Dreamcast memory file, cause he's uberpimp. Its the dopeness, and I played with it for a while, while we ended up talking about my problems, even though I'd rather not, thats how these things always turn out.
I guess, now, i have to do something with my life. I have an obligation now. Frank just spent $4000 on a semi-pro digital camera. Yeah. I'm forced, now. He needs to get either a Steadicam or a Glidecam (200-300 dollars) so we can do steadi pan shots. Fuck student film / video. That stuff makes me sick. I have to watch a lot though. I want to do everything they DONT do. Lets make a list, shall we?
1) Moving Shots. They never move the god damn camera.
2) An actual story. FUCK SOCIAL COMMENTARY. Let me say that again. FUCK SOCIAL COMMENTARY. Its been done to death. Thats all student film is anymore. Kevin Smith popularized it, and took it to probably its completion. Lets see some fucking John Hughes or something. We can make a story that has CHARACTERS and have PLOT. OMG what a concept.
3) Music. Good music. Mixed down properly. Some shit thats in there and CARRIES the god damn scene. Lets have something that PACES a scene, that includes some shit that makes DRAMA and you actually tense up, something that is timed with things going on, that accentuates everything. Fuck putting in some popular music just as some sort of thing that kinda sounds like it fits. Lets have some REAL montages, and some music that relates. And, during the drama / action parts, TIME SHIT. OMG!
4) Acting and ADR. Lets do some post production audio thats mixed down to where it sounds like its not done with a mic in a fucking room. Lets actually overdub to match shit, and lets put some emotion in our acting. Lets act for once.
5) See #1.
I have more somewhere, but thats where it stands as of now.
For the new movie, 40 first dates or whatever, you know, Wedding singer + groundhog day?, 311 (which is a good band in its own right) remade Lovesong (the cure). Now, remakes, i'm picky with. I like lots of them, like the Marilyn Manson Tainted Love, or the Orgy Blue Monday, however, this one, fuck. Its the cure. Dont touch that shit.
seriously. The guy like doesnt have the emotion vocally. Then, seeing the video, the dude is fucking smiling. THEN, he's fucking singing to some girl or something. The FUCK? when was the cure ever happy? Even in its "wild mood swings" there was still some fucked up shit going down. Lovesong isnt some song written to some girl there. Its written to some girl thats AWAY. She's gone. She's not there. She's left. I WOULD KNOW. The video? Robert Smith is SAD. He's remorseful. He's not singing to his current girlfriend, he's singing to his love thats not there. Thats why the lyrics are like "however far away, I will always love you." He's almost crying in the song.
I made a badass poster. If I had a digital camera, I'd post a pic of that shit up. Its like shit I used to do everyday at Babbages, back in my prime. Back when life was correct. I need a new apt, something with a useable kitchen. This place is total trash. My roommates are freaky crazy. Glad I have my own bathroom that I can keep cleanly. Depending on the area, i'm neatfreakish. Shocked? Shouldnt be. There are many aspects of my persona that never had a chance to surface. I always tried to keep my area clean, even when I lived in seattle, if I felt it was MY area. There were few things that were that way to me. God, I hate everything that occured. Things went askew in some wack ass unimaginable ways. However, here I am dwelling on these things again. Thats what I get for typing stream of consciousness style. No composition whatsoever. /slaps self.
Mood : Just here.
Music : Cure - Lovesong
Quote : "Whatever words I say, I will always love you.
I will always love you..."
Sunday, February 22, 2004 07:11 p.m.
Well, my mother informs me that Kim wants to start Divorce proceedings.
Which brings all kinds of emotions to the surface....things I CANNOT hold back.
So, I guess she really doesnt care about me anymore.
I think that might have been one of those final strings I was subconsciously holding onto, keeping my feelings in check (somewhat). Damn. You know, I was having an OK day up until now.
And I had some fucked up attempting to reconsile dream this morning.....where I was trying HARD to not have these things affect me, and she was very cold and heartless towards me the whole time. Then, after this party we had gone to, she was like, "You can come home if you want.", and I was like "What, for now, temporarily, and what about tomorrow?". And she just stared at me. And then I said "I cant have that. I need to know forever." and walked away crying.
I guess dreams do come true...
Tuesday, February 17, 2004 03:15 a.m.
Recall (memory) is a bad thing.
There are some with the power to supress it, to live in now, and not in the past. I do not have this ability.
Its an interesting thing, recall. Its like watching a scene from a movie. Events play out. For me, its in third person.
A more interesting feeling is when present time feels like recall. This happens, from time to time. It happened on Sunday at the club (reference to my Livejournal entries), and it also happened at Ray's funeral (which for some reason came to memory today driving home.)
Right now, I feel that I am locked in a position I should not even be in. I'm dealing with onesided love. Love, that I cannot stop having, despite all thats gone on. However, were she to truly love me, things never would have gone this far...
Even though it will kill me, I will probably love her till the end.
I only wish she could have loved me in the same way...
Mood : Not knowing what to do next...
Music : New Order - Blue Monday
Quote : "Tell me how does it feel, when your heart grows cold?"
Tuesday, February 3, 2004 04:49 a.m.
Guess I'll update this instead of my Livejournal, just because I hadnt touched this in a while....
Wank mental stuff has been going on, and all of that closed myself in for a while, till the convention started. Even into the beginning of it, I felt like uber out of place, and having to work the weekend was lameness to the extreme.
At least, first day, something VERY interesting happened. Wandering around looking for ANYONE I knew, I met someone I hadnt seen in almost 10 years. Luckily, he recognized me, because I would have, and was, just walking past him. It was Alex (Pariah) of ACME BBS fame. He was like "Zor?" and I was like .... and then he was like, "Its Pariah" and I was like OMG!!!!! So that was dopeness, and I wandered around some more, looking for other people, then I was like.....hmm......she looks familiar.... so I walk up to her and , and I'm like "Cassie?" and she's like "Jason?" and then I was like OMG!!!!!!!! So yeah, that was fun. I actually tried to find Cassie's house when I got back down to Houston, and got VERY close, but not exactly there (one street off). So, yayness, I guess.
Ended up hanging in the game room a bunch, cause yeah, it always works that way, except the reason I hung there this time is that Greg (whom I met at AnimeFEST) ran it, so there was a REASON to go there, not to own scrubbies. (which I had to do with the SC2 tourney, because yeah, its SC2 and I have to represent. I might have gotten a few people turned to the forums, so that's a good thing. Speaking of which, if you HAVENT gone there, cause you're an uberloser, and for somereason are reading this thing, goto < a href = "http://www.soulcalibur.com">http://www.soulcalibur.com .)
Anyway.
Hung with people (well, more like Tagged along, cause thats all I am anymore), and had some fun, albeit I missed a whole lot of shiz because of working. Still was part of the "not gettin' any" group (I swear, I'm probably an officer now, since the previous president is no longer elgible to be a member).
The INTERESTINGNESSLESSIST thing that happened is that I missed most of the concert, Koda Kumi, because of work (well, missed EVERYTHING because of that) but I was like, whatever, she did a voice / sang for FFX2 whatever. Lameness. So, I popped my head over to it, and she was singing some FF song and I was like whatever, so I wandered around, went back at the end of the set, and there was no line and people were leaving, so I went in just because. So she came back out and then BADASSEDNESS happened, cause like some synth started playing and I was like OMG its the CUTEY HONEY THEME AND I"M LIKE OMG!!!!!!!! So I started dancing and singing along and I was like Wow, she's doing the theme for the new live action movie, and I'm like YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! so that ruled ubermuch. I'm kinda sad I didnt have a cutey honey poster for her to sign or anything, cause all the FF freaks were getting signatures, and i'm like lameness. I didnt care about a signature, if I could speak japanese, i woulda gone at the end, to tell her she's cool, cause she sat there for over 3 hours and signed stuff from 10:30pm - really late until everyone got a signature. She's ubercool. I respect that. She's like Stan Lee cool. (He did that at the thing I went to.)
You know, going over the guest list, I saw the guests like once maybe. Thats about it. I really was out of it this con, but whatever, I hung with the people I went to hang with, and thats it. yeah, and I saw Alex and Cassie and met a few new people. Small cons rule, cause you can do whatever you want. And its not all ubercorporate like Sakuracon has become, and I really dont want to go to that anymore cause 1) its corporate , 2) costs money I dont have, and 3) she'll be there and I dont know if I can handle seeing her, cause I'll just want to throw up especially if she's with someone.
Yeah. Small cons are cool. We were sitting outside the game room most of the night being REALLY REALLY REALLY loud and it echoed up the whole hotel (had open stairwell) and you could hear us outside and not once did we get a noise warning. On top of that, if you're of age, you can drink wherever, so we were drinking downstairs, playing cards, and SCREAMING at each other, and nobody cared.
Small cons are the dopeness.
I probably wont goto A-Kon cause of corporateness, Rick might be there (I dont want to get BACK into all the Houston drama I started, and still continues to this day). However, Xero says I have to go, and I missed out chilling with him most of this con, so I might go just for that. Well , and everyone else thats cool to hang with. I really need to get back in touch with Alyssa and all the Mallets people that I've been neglecting since I've been trying to get a job and being in my uberdepressiveness this whole time.
Yeah, I've still been having problems. Its not like all this stuff that's "happy" is all thats been going on. I've been like in and out of wack ass mental states. Work for this month has not only a Counting Crows but Linkin Park - Numb on the EBTV thing, and both are a "DAME DESU" for me. So I have to skip them every time they come on. I barely play FFXI, but whatever. I have a couch :P And Naruto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like paragraphs. I think they pace and break up things properly that give interesting pause to everything.
I dont know if I have a voice acting voice. I dont even know if I can act very well. NObody's ever told me if I'm any interesting or good or not. I should probably start videotaping myself doing stuff, but i'm too 1) lazy and 2) self conscious.
Oh yeah, and Crystal borrowed my SUV for moving stuff (her and Al had to move some of the final stuff from their old apt), so i got to borrow her car, and OMG its soooooooooooo awesome. Manual transmission and like UBER power, and its a Nissan and I want it forever and ever. The cd player wont play burns, so Ineed to find some Initial D legit Cd, cause I want to totally INITIAL D it up in the car. I can still drive Manual fairly well, and even onehanded the mofo shifting and all. I'm the pimpness as far as driving goes :P I was listening to Spicelab - Lost in Spice tonight driving and thats the CD I always listened to playing Descent so I was like uber Descent style taking curves, etc. If I ever get a space fighter, its all about that CD.
Yeah, and ummm...cant think.... oh yeah!!!
I LOVE TITAN A.E.!!!!!!!!!!!!
I watched it again, i've been not watching it because, but Lamar and Elliott at Powerplay hadnt seen it, so I brought it up tonight and we watched it and I forgot how perfect that movie is. Soooooo many little things that are in that film that didnt need to be there / werent explained that add to it, as well as a great soundtrack, and wonderful dialog and its quick and to the point. Nothing redundant or long and drawn out in the film. Huzzah.
Oh well. I'm just rambling again at this point. Sorta like I stared at chess tonight and learned just about 1 thing when I shoulda picked up 12 different things. Oh well, i'm learning how to play again slowly. I'm just happy that the people in this area actually analyze things like openings / endings and try to learn (I guess that happens when you have a much older crowd playing chess, then the young crowd that plays fighting games). I'm too old...
The most interesting memory I have from the convention right this instant is after most people went to sleep, (5am) going to one of the Showing rooms (cause Sarah was manning the room, the only person I sorta kinda knew that was awake) and drinking while Rizelmine was playing (which I hadnt seen) and getting the theme song stuck in my head. "Shimashou shimashou shimashou. SHIMASHOUSHIMASHOUSHIMASHOU SHI-MA-SHOU." I didnt watch the anime, just the theme song is funny at that part. I still cant watch most anime cause i'm mentally messed up, but I started watching some Area 88, cause yeah, its Area 88. And I have to watch Naruto cause I have to catch up so I understand what people are talking about.
Just rambling now, I guess. I need more music. I want more albums... I want more Xymox, or Pretty Girls Make Graves. I'm just too poor to buy them. I guess, all in time. Thats all I have left.
Mood : Too obsessed with lack of money, too confused to do anything
Music : Texas - Like Lovers (Holding On) [Titan A.E. Track 6]
Quote : "Just a boy and girl
Trying to change a cold world
I don't expect that you'd understand
When you look at this empty land..."
Monday, January 26, 2004 06:24 p.m.
"Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon"
Assemblage 23 - Cocoon
Thursday, January 15, 2004 08:52 a.m.
Wow. So here it is virtually 9 in the morning. And I'm still awake. I have to wake up at 11. Havent slept. Havent touched this blog in a while. Trying to be strong. Not think about things. I tried, felt it was best.
All night, i've been randomly chatting, watched Enterprise, and then I was like, wow. I'm STILL awake. Time to try to install FFXI. AFter all, I cleared off *8* gigs of data off a completely full drive last night. Might as frelling well.
Wow. Disk 2 didnt like me one bit. Tried the installation 3 frelling times. Then, I gave up, tried to goto sleep. Didnt work. So, reluctantly, I got up after 35 min and rewired my computer multiple times, trying to get my CD-ROM to recognize disks cause my DVD-ROM says "ummm......disk 2 hates you". CD-ROM hates me too. So, after 25 min of testing, turning off, testing, etc, etc, I hook both my DVD-ROM and CD-ROM (which still isnt reading disks) and try the DVD approach again. After 2 failed installs again, the third says "Hey, insert disk 3" and i'm like "'bout damn time", then its like "Fooled you. Windows 16bit error CD cannot be read. Enter disk with serial BB20-3290 or whatever (its disk 2 it wants)" and i'm like FUCK YOU!!!! So, I do it and my comp takes like 5 min of scary isnt doing anything, and then finally says "Gimme disk 3". I wait 2 min for the DVD-ROM to power down and then put in disk 3. Rest of installation finally goes. GOD. Had the Soukaigi soundtrack going on in the background...... but I couldnt really enjoy it.
Yeah. So. While still installing, I finished the CD and looked for another one. I for some reason wanted to either watch or listen to the Romeo + Juliet (+, not & cause its the Baz Luhrmann version). Chose the soundtrack. While listening, I was starting to think about things I shouldnt think about. Lots of things. Things that I wont go into. Lets just say, i was getting suicidal again...
Theres some Seattle drama going on, and its making me remember people, things. And all my experiences / associations are starting to collide. And forcing me to delve into thoughts I TRY to avoid, for my sanity. Blar. I never thought that separate groups of friends would interconnect. But alas, it occurs.
Ok, well, what spurned this whole thing is I was listening to the soundtrack, and Cardigans - Lovefool played. And well, even though i've been on the brink of emotional breakdown for a while now, not wanting to give into it, that song put me over the edge. And so, instead of rambling about my FFXI installation problems, I SHOULD be talking about what emotions and feelings those are. However, I usually can start figuring those out by either conversation or by music. Music, lyrically, can get to me. Therefore, I shall post the lyrics here (I KNOW you all love that), because it does, lyrically, describe how I feel.
"Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought to stick to another girl
a girl that surely deserves me
but I think you do!
So I cry, I pray and I beg
Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you...
Lately I have desperately pondered,
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could do have done in another way
to make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go"
Yeah.....
So, this stuff is more than well known, and I would have done excerpts, but the entire song lyric for lyric is true.
There are really no other words to describe anything right now aside from those, which is the reason for the long lyric post. Its 9:15am, and i'm ending this. Usually takes me longer than 20min to post. I'm a slow poster. I guess cause its a conversation with myself.
Time to go see if this FFXI install even works. Im not sure if I can sleep at all still, and its probably not a good idea cause i have to get up in one and a half hours. Go me!
----EDIT---- : I just felt the need to expand upon this stuff and say that most of the problems I had tonight were based on the thought that she was with someone else. I still cannot believe that she was with someone else, or that she will continue to be with other people. However, I'll have to deal with that. To quote PM DAWN
"She's just one of those corners in my mind.
And I'll just put her right back with the rest.
Thats the way it goes.........I guess...."
Mood : Its raining outdoors :(
Music : Pink Floyd - Welcome to [the] Machine
Quote : "How's that? I'm the Satan of Martial Arts!"
Joe Higashi - KOF98
Wednesday, December 31, 2003 08:00am
My throat is closed in, and I feel VERY uneasy. I dont know what is causing it. Probably the food. (or lack thereof) :P
I DO know that something about that last post is very unsettling. I'm not sure what it is about it. Maybe some of it is not exactly truthful. Maybe its too truthful. Undoubtedly, its disrespectful, to the person I spent time with. At the end of everything, the problem lies within me.
I'm not sure I'm going to analyze it. This is supposed to be of emotions.....stream of consciousness.....
Catalogue of thoughts. Not a book, not composition or prose.
Albeit unsettling, I wont edit it.
I just know that I had to clarify it. Address it. Otherwise, it would toll in my mind.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003 03:10 a.m.
This is probably the last entry for the year. (Unless I really start having problems tomorrow :P)
I hate this year. I hate the fact that its NEXT YEAR. This year proved to give nothing but pain and destruction. God. I've been without her since April. Thats 8 months. And where am I now? NOWHERE. I've started hating this city. I hate all cities. I, seriously, want time to end. Want all existence to stop. The few and far between "fun days" are definately not worth it.
I keep thinking that magically, the end of the year will bring a sudden super magical change in my life, that Jan 1st everything will POOF be better. I know that wont be true, and I'm just fooling myself. But then again, thats what I believed about my trip to Japan, it it was TRUE, for about 7 hours.......after I got back......
At least Christmas time wasnt AS bad as I had thought. It was fairly bad.....trying to find something, ANYTHING to do. I stayed down there longer than I thought I would, though, being that its hard for me to stay in my parents house, finding something to do in the middle of the night without getting reoccuring feelings of worry. I did the same thing when I went down to Houston during the last time I was with her......waiting for a phonecall, anything, telling me if she were alive or not...
I stayed up until 8am one morning playing Planetside at Ronnie's house. Yay for Planetside.
I hung with Lee, Steve, Peter, Joanna and Laura. That was interesting. We watched the original edit version of Alien 3 with the OX instead of the Dog, well, half of it, then Lee got tired. Boo to him! :P Still, Alien 3 rules :P So, being bored out of my mind, I wandered to a bar that Ben, Jake and Danny frequent, hoping to the evil fate demons that they would be there, cause if they werent, I woulda driven back to Austin that night. (which sucks, cause now that i'm here, i'm bored out of my mind again. Its a terrible thing when you have NOTHING you enjoy doing). Anyway, they were there, which gave me something to do. I was going to head to Ben's pad afterwards, to prolly drink some more, but upon leaving I met some girl visiting from L.A. and ended up going with her, her relative (Aunt?) her Aunt's boyfriend to go watch Scarface and hang out. So, I hung out with them Fri night and all of Sat. It was......Fascinating....
Probably a rare experience indeed because I doubt i'll find someone that interesting to talk to ever in a bar ever again. We talked a bunch about music. Her Aunt had a kid in the 2nd grade, and I entertained him for a while. Had to teach him what a Piledriver was, and a few Aikido takedowns :P
It was a new experience, and a good experience. However, I am not sure if I want to continue along that path. I'm probably way to introspective, and need to become simple. Shut down some brain functions and "enjoy" life. I cant do that. I'm too insane.
While lying next to someone, its a VERY unnerving feeling when you stare at them, and think to yourself : "This person is very interesting. This person is quite pretty and I cannot find ONE THING that ANYBODY could physically find unappealing, not even extra weight. However, I do not see myself with this person for the rest of my life. I do not have an irresistable urge to hug this person and never let go. Albeit this person is PROBABLY TECHNICALLY more attractive, she is not beautiful, not like Kim was to me."
"You dont love a girl because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her."
At some point, I realized that I probably wont love another person again. At least, at current, I dont think I could, while I still have attached feelings to Kim.
And that makes you feel that life is worth absolutely nothing.
While you're lying next to someone....someone you are spending time with, and dont necessarily love, these things dont hurt. You have no pain. You just exist, and you feel that you are you. Even after a few days, you're still ok. You can listen to things, think about things, and theres no pain. And, I GUESS, if you have that constantly, you can go on... keep living, without feeling this. So, I guess the only way to beat this is to have people, or someone, constantly next to you.
"You always call me
And ask me how I make it through the day..."
I guess I know how she does it now...
I am not sure if I want to continue along that path. That path isnt love.
It isnt life.
It isnt real.
It is a lie.
Each of us choose our own path. And, fleetingly, for a time, they cross anothers path. Sometimes, these paths merge. I guess its mathmatically impossible that in an infinite universe, that two paths existing on two different tangents will merge and continue to be merged infinitely.
But I can dream...
Mood : About to stop trying to obtain the unobtainable...
Music : The Cure - This is a Lie
Quote : "however unsure
however unwise
day after day we play out our lives
however confused
pretending to know to the end..."
Have a new year, everyone.
Wednesday, December 24, 2003 06:05 a.m.
There are lots of things that go on in the mind, and things that havent really been happening, but have since the last update. I'm not really into explaining any of that stuff. I'm still hiding from everything. Still hiding from fears, pain. I had bad bad dreams today. Got woke up by a phonecall which I didnt answer, which was from a the main trunk to a hospital near where Kim lives, and that furthered my worries, but I figure it was a misdialed number. I still have a Seattle cell number anyway...
Downloading more music, because, music is my catharsis, still. Rom for Samurai Showdown 5 was released, and I played it in Houston, cause they're the only ones with a cart locally. How i've missed the Sam Sho series. :(
I dont believe NOBODY told me about the SETI@home project, which has been going for years, and everyone apparently knows about. Frell. I LOVE Buckaroo Banzai, though. Dude, it just rules. BEst movie EVER!!!!!
"No matter where you go, there you are."
Argh. Christmas. Yeah. Well, sent Frank off to Europe, to his 3 week trip in foreign countries. His trip will fare better than mine, as he has nothing that he can return to to be ruined. And he's Frank, so he'll have fun regardless.
Saw Return of the King again. That movie, albeit its changes, is perfect. Watching it, I felt I've seen that movie before. No, its not that all 3 of the series are the same movie, with same production values, acting, etc. Its that i've seen that movie before, seen all of them before.
I saw them in my head, in the 7th grade.
Imagination incarnate.
Dreams given form.
Much of that movie makes me sad. Arwen and Aragorn. Her seeing images of her future life, an old Aragorn, holding their child. I've seen those images for myself. I have them no more. My future family is no longer. Frodo said some lines at the end of the movie. I do not remember the exact words. It had something to do with One can not recapture a past life. Some wounds run deep, and never heal. I understand that.
The trailer for "The Butterfly Effect" makes it seem like its going to be a badass movie. About changing past events, so he doesnt lose the one he loves, and risking anything and everything to do as such. They use Staind - Its Been Awhile in the trailer. Perfect use of the song. That trailer makes me cry, every time.
Argh. I'm still overly depressive. I chide myself for hurting this much, and having too many things I have to avoid otherwise I feel pain. But, you know, I have over 5 years of memories that make me feel that way. "People shouldnt live in the past". Bullshit. The past is Experience. We delve into experience in everything we do. We are the result of our experiences. I dont think theres any way to avoid it. Even if I feel nostalgic for my childhood, that brings me into memory recall mode, where the past events will come up, or make me think about my "future family" that I would have had, but no longer will. And then, we're back in memory recall mode again. So, "No matter where I go, there she is."
ARgh. I'm digressing. I guess I'm minorly out of my mind right now, sleep dep + alcohol + having to wake up to drive another person to airport + having to drive to Houston. I'm just out of my mind right now. I get rambly and very straight forward, and I dont hide in riddles and implied statements. So, I"ll just end by saying this :
Merry Christmas, my love, my darling.
I still love you...
Mood : Huggling my Dreamcast
Music : Tipper - Illabye
Quote : None. Song is instrumental, but beautiful.
Friday, December 12, 2003 04:09 a.m.
Things are pretty messed up right now. I'm in a jumble of thoughts, and feelings. I WAS starting to feel ok, I guess. Lots of things are finally settling down, even though I'm not ok, I have less things to worry about.
I downloaded the complete 30 Seconds to Mars album. Great album. The whole thing is good.
I've avoided thinking about a few things, and I've started trying to become alone, instead of looking to share my feelings, share time and space, with someone. To become who I used to be. Trying to grow my hair back long. Trying. Trying very hard.
Candice is reconciling with Lance, finally. Now I can be concerned about her less.
I'm still working towards employment, and might have found something. However, that wont be certain until I actually start putting in hours. So, yeah, thats still not definite. Christmas time approaches, and it'll be nice to spend time with my nephew that I havent seen any of really. However, I dont feel that I'm going to be able to connect very well with him. I mean, he plays video games and all, but I dont know if I can really associate with kids the way I used to. I'm too dark, too cynical now. However, Christmas time is a holiday, and holidays are not good for me.
This holiday is going to be the worst of all.
Just a few days ago, I was informed that the brother of one of my very best friends, Lee's brother Ray, Died.
He was over in Iraq, for the evil war that I wont even begin to go into. For the details, and info on how Lee is sorta doing, goto Lee's Blog.
Yeah. So. This hasnt really even begun to affect me how it probably will after this weekend. Lee's family is back in town, cause his grandmother was having surgery at the time too. I havent talked with everyone, only Lee. He said Laura was taking it very hard. I assumed as much. Funeral services are on Tuesday, Dec 16th at 10:00am at the Sagemont Church near AMC30 in Houston (I-45 and Beltway 8).
This is the worst year.
Now, one of my best friends has a pain to work through, something that will be with him for the rest of his life, as mine is with me. We have both lost someone dear to us.
I know this will affect me sometime next week, and when it does, I'm afraid of it. I mean, right now, I'm already questioning fate, mortality, etc. This was someone who had a long time ahead of him. He had ambition, and dreams. I dont think he had time to love someone, like I have. My life was forfeit, and I would have willingly given it up. However, I'm still here, and he's gone.
I knew him.
Watching younger siblings grow up is amazing. You're there, with your friends, and your world is all that matters. You've got these younger attachments, and they're always causing trouble, always being annoying. Never changing. Then one day, they're mature. They're the way you are. And they've got lives, and they're your friends. It was interesting, seeing my sister go through this, become a person. Same happened with Steve's brother Scott. He was like there one day, and I'm like, woah, he's like one of us. He's a police officer now. Same was with Ray. Just one day, poof, he was no longer Lee's younger brother.
And now he's gone.
Last information I really had heard about Ray was that he was in Iraq and he had sent a picture to Lee of him holding this huge gun, and we were all like WOAH, he gets to play with THAT!?!?!?! Thats awesome. Ray was supposed to come back this week, for a time. Lee had talked to him on like Friday. This stuff is insane.
This year is a terrible year.
Now I'm concerned. My friend, Jason, is supposed to be going over there in Jan. Him and Sarn were supposed to be in the same group, but with Sarn's injury, hes undeployable. They're in the reserves!!!!!!!!! And now Jason's being shipped. The main deal is he has a very young son, Sho. He's going to be away from him for some undetermined amount of time, for one, and were something to happen to him.......yeah.......
So.......
Who the frell knows?!!!? What other surprises await us? Bah. I'm not afraid of the future. I have enough problems working through what has ALREADY occured. Something happens to me, FINE. Fate can have me. But to other people? Thats just not right.
Well, I havent updated because nothing really has been happening. Just working through the same thoughts over and over in my head. Downloading TV shows. 24 just gets better and better. Downloading the 10th Sailor Moon live Action episode now. Oh yeah, and I started watching Alias season 1. Its not the BEST show EVER, but its really good. Why? Cause it follows some well written intriguing plot? No. Thats just a bonus. Mainly, cause ALL the characters are wonderfully presented. I think TV has gotten MUCH better in the past few years. There are a lot of shows that I watch now, because finally, people got the characters down. Smallville, 24, Alias, and Enterprise are ALL on their third seasons right now. I guess that was a wonderful year for TV, when they all started! :P
The Unicron toy is 37.88 at Wal-Mart. Go buy it!!! Play with it, dont leave it in the box. Its huge, and transformable. I want it, but I'm poor. But there are a few things I want too. Babylon 5 season 2 and 3, the $100 futon I saw at Wal-Mart, a new monitor!!!!! (1024x768 and bigger than 14''. Hell, something bigger than 14'' and 800x600 would be tolerable!), FFXI (SWG just isnt fascinating anymore), DVD burner (I REALLY need to get this stuff off my HD....). I really dont need or want things, objects. However, there are a few purchases that will distract me from things. Thats all that really matters. Distractions.
I wonder if they made a Gatekeepers game. It'd be the best game in the world if they took Soukaigi exactly the way it was, but put Gatekeepers in it, and then put more enemies in it. Damn. Then when you choose characters, you'd have different gates, to achieve different things in each level. Hell, even just like a 4 player simultaneous Gatekeepers game just like Hunter was. Yeah. It's endless, the things you could do with it.
I'm just rambling now, to no end. Overly talkative to myself here, because I have nobody to share these feelings with, nobody to give these ideas to. Oh well. Time to go watch the new Battlestar Galactica miniseries part 1, trying not to think of the funeral next week. I have to try to be strong, as I have this whole year. When I'm around people, I can keep my composure, and not show the pain. However, I'm not sure this time, I can accomplish that. But I have to try, for Lee, Laura, and the Hutchinson family.
Mood : Concerned.
Music : Peter Shilling - Major Tom (Coming Home)
Quote : Across the stratosphere,
a final message:
"Give my wife my love."
Then nothing more.
Sunday, December 7, 2003 04:53 a.m.
Yes. I'm insane. I drove back tonight from Houston starting at 2am. I woke up at 7am, went to stupid forced class thing, then came back, went to houston, then drove back. Funky. Why? I think this is some sense of "home". Wherever I reside, mainly where my computer is, I feel I have to return to this place every night. I cant stay anywhere. I guess being married for 5 years, and wanting to go home every night to that imbeds itself upon a psyche. I used to never want to go home, when I was in highschool, etc. Now, I have to use all my effort to keep from sitting there...waiting....
but here I am, 4:55am, getting "home" from driving.
I wrote some stuff down while driving :
I love hanging out with my friends. I wish I could live in the same city as them, but not now, not like this. I feel like some sort of a "dark soul" around them. I possess the sadness and real life component in their happy and complacent lives. I used to be some overexcited insane entity. Now, they feel they have to listen to what I say, or my ideas, something that in the past may hve been dismissed. I am frightening to them. I am the same as I had always been, only deeper. Darker.
Tonight was a sorta christmas party thing. Everyone looked nice tonight. Laura's hair looked different. I wish I could look good / dress up. My hair always looks disheveled. I have no good clothes. I only have this jacket, my fathers navy jacket. Wearing it makes me feel important, and with purpose. Its what I wore waiting in the snow for the bus to goto work, waiting in the cold every morning at 5:30am ride the bus for 2 hours. That jacket is an extension of me, a shield for an inner persona. Right now, its cold enough to wear it.
Matt was there. The group felt more complete with him there. Everyone misses him. I think Lee and Matt had a fairly close friendship, but I probably miss Matt more than the rest of them. Since I moved away initially, I've barely seen Matt at all. Even since I've been back down here. I wish we could hang out again like we did in elementary school, sitting forever, waiting for Champions of Krynn to load off of diskettes.
Out of everyone, I feel most welcomed by Joanna and Peter. Out of everyone, I've known them they least amount of time. I just relate to them better, I guess. Their lifestyle is how Kim and I were. In ways, Peter reminds me of how I was. Joanna reminds me of Kim. She looks like her in some ways. Its cute how she always falls asleep on either their or Steve's couch. Peter and Joanna are how we used to be. Very hospitable.
Lee and Laura are probably how we should have been. Lee is my man. I think actively, he's probably my best friend overall right now. He was there at the beginning of this emotional adventure when I first had opened up to anyone (when Kim and I had first gotten together), and hes here for me now after all the damage has been done. Frank takes care of me in Austin, watches over me. But Lee talks through my good friend, Mr. Computer.
I think Laura probably understands me in a way the others dont. Maybe its a girl thing. Whenever everyone watches something, they'll analyze it, and be entertained, maybe learn something from it. Whenever she watches something, she takes the thing, and it becomes a part of her. She's the only one of the group that fully understands what it is to watch Anime. She watched all of Interstella when I put it on. She's also the only one in the group I can talk to about music. She once said "Its fun to watch you." in reference to listening to music. Kim used to say the same thing. Maybe its a girl thing. Probably some of these mutual understandings is probably why we became friends back in the Pretzel Time Era. I hope she likes the Sailor Moon Live Action series. She was always a more hardcore Sailor Moon fan than me, so for me the changes they made are ok. I like Mercury this time around. She was always my primary Sacrafice-A-Scout (TM). I think Sailor Venus might take that spot this time.
When Lee and Laura are together, they act different. They cease to be separate entities, and are caught up in their relationship. I dont know if this is good or bad. Maybe thats how Kim and I should have been. However, I think I frighten them. I'm a testament that love is not enough. I am a possible future.
They had some sort of altercation tonight. I have no idea what it was about. I wonder how often that occurs.
Steve is who I should be. He is solid in who he is, and lives life however he wants. I need to be like that. However, I feel like half of who I should be.
On the way home, I stopped at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. While filling the tank, I was the only person outside. I stared at the sky, at the stars, in the dead of night, huddled in my jacket. I was the only person in the world. I remembered a time, where I would stand like this, and the world was mine to control. Standing there, tonight, I felt as if someone was missing, as if there should be me, someone else, and the entire world at our control.
I watched all of Gatekeepers21 at the anime club. Gatekeepers was pretty interesting, but I didnt see all of it. Takes a while to get into. Gatekeepers 21 is a 6 episode sidestory that takes place years after the events of the orignal series, with a child of two of the Gatekeepers characters. Its an awesome story. The end credit song is really good. I love side stories like this. I think its awesome that you follow a child of two characters you liked in the original series, and one of the twisted characters in the original series is the "leader" of whatever is left of the AEGIS network in the greater Tokyo area. Black Minus Gates are cool.
OPEN THE GATE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, and of course GTO is dope.
And now its 5:40am. Almost 24hours awake. Time to try to crash. I'll probably wake up in 4 hours, and cant get back to sleep :P
Mood : BL. ARG
Music : This Mortal Coil - Song to the Siren
Quote : "Did I dream you dreamed about me?"
(Note : I believe this is the sample used in one of the first four Messiah songs off of 21st Century Jesus. This song is actually a remake of an older version of the song by Tim Buckley. This Mortal Coil's version, however, is very gothic, and one of the best songs I currently have on my harddrive.)
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 02:18 p.m.
Out jobhunting, and it makes me feel dead. I feel so dead inside, everyday, out looking, trying to get employment. Im out, and then, after getting tired of feeling that way for hours, I think, alright, what is there to do. NOTHING. What do you want to do? Frell if I know. Alright, if there is ANYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO IN THE WORLD WHAT WOULD IT BE? Nothing comes to mind. Not a damn thing.
When your mind answers this way, you start to feel real special inside.
So, I had to come home and put this stuff down thats been going over and over in my head.
I found a song that makes me feel real special as well. Its great, cause its musically a really cool song, and I enjoy listening to it, however, lyrically, it destroys me.
It completely explains the way I made Kim feel.
No excuses can really soften what it was I had done, and I didnt even know what it was I was doing. The only thing I could possibly say is "I'm sorry". But that never works.
You know, I tried my best to help her out, become the person she wanted to become. However, I guess, it was viewed as me trying to make her more like me, and less like her. Thats not the case. Its very hard to teach someone something that you yourself cannot do, or are not. So, of the aspects of me that she wanted, I tried to give those to her. I didnt try to change her into me, or at least didnt intend to.
I wanted to give her confidence. Confidence in herself, her mind, her work, and her ability to deal with situations. Anything ranging from Driving to Drawing.
I wanted to give her ambition. The will to create, and the will to take herself past her current boundaries, and extend herself out to where she wanted to go, not where she thought she could only achieve. A person with no limits, and limitless potential.
I wanted to give her perception. The viewpoint of ones potential. The proof that one can be, and IS better, than everyone else, that one can make a difference in the world. That her work was production quality.
I wanted her to be competitive. This quality may be something as simple as wanting to better oneself, exceed at something like a video game. However, this quality goes far beyond that. It pronounces itself in every day life, as the will to achieve. It is the tenacity to get something done. The will to fight for something you believe in. To win contests. To get the ONE job that thousands apply for. To defend all that you belive in or care for. Some call me overly competitive. However, is it too much when you're willing to die for your friends. To die for love?
Anyway.....
I wont post all the lyrics here. I'll just post a link to the lyrics. I think my lyric posting is probably too gratuitous as it is.
The song is Linkin Park - Numb
Click on the name of the song for the lyrics. Sorry for the popups. Not my fault.
Just reading that, just listening to it. I understand what I did and have understood since I came to this realization and I've tried to live with it, with all of this. Its just very hard. Hearing it, it makes things much harder. If I had known....
Everyday, I feel like throwing up. I just feel like lying down and crying. Curling into a corner and dying.
But I have to find a job...
Mood : Pained.
Music : Linkin Park - Numb
Quote : "And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you."
(Note : The person who was disappointed in me was ME.)
Friday, November 28, 2003 05:10 a.m.
Heh. Its like 5 in the morning and I just tried to goto Wal-Mart to go pick up some supplies I've been wanting to buy (candles, shampoo, etc) and I totally forgot that its the morning after thanksgiving. Walmart is closed (walmarts down here are 24 hours for the Seattle readers), and theres a huge line for this ghetto lame walmart of people standing the cold who are gonna trample each other to get 10% off of some sesame street toy for their child, then buy some way overpriced camcorder that they could normally buy for that price, but dont know. Prolly some pan set as well, and some Aardvark book ends just because they're half off.
Oh well, being that i'm probably going to be awake, maybe I'll venture to the mall early this morning, or a target, and brave the anarchy just to scope the scavengers.
Not like I'd meet anybody interesting on the day after thanksgiving holiday insanity, unless for some wacky reason they're as morbidly curious as I am, or they got dragged there by some parental figure.
Oh well, it gave me even more time to listen to music that I had over 2 hours to listen to on the way back from Houston. I got to listen to the best 2 tracks on the purple rain soundtrack, I Would Die 4 U and Baby I'm a Star (Which both blend into each other). I think I'm probably the only person of my generation that gets Purple Rain as a movie. Its not really about the love story, its about the music. Its about the emotion and the meaning behind it. When you listen to those two songs, you can just see him feeling the words, or enjoying them.
"I'll never beat u
I'll never lie
And if you're evil I'll forgive u by and by
U - I would die 4 u, yeah
Darling if u want me 2
U - I would die 4 u"
When he says "Darling if U want me 2" and he screams it, He MEANS it. Its so awesome. Baby I'm a Star is almost better. When he says some lyrics, you can just see him smiling, or just screaming them, to get the point that he's excited about it across.
It reminds me of Lou Diamond Phillips' performance in La Bamba. When he was singing, he was having fun, smiling, and you knew he felt what he was saying, but enjoying himself. This is something that I saw in the film, and actually impacted me, from the start, when I saw this movie in the theatre with my friend Brendan when we were in elementary school.
I guess thats why I like emotional music so much. Music that you can tell the performer means what they're saying, or having fun performing. Its something thats not rote, just performance after performance to make it studio quality, or perform it once with meaning for the album, then just perform because you have to in front of an audience. Thats what makes Live so great.
I've been thinking that Stage is my favorite song on that album, but now it seems Pillar of Davidson is getting close. I understand Stage lyrically.....however, Pillar of Davidson is a nice slow progression, and he gets more emotional every time it almost breaks. When the song breaks, it goes into foreground and background lyrics, where every word is said with full feeling, emotionally tearing.
Yeah, anyway, end music lecture for the present. :P
Watched Two Towers with the parental figures. Hooray for that movie being awesomely beautiful, but still, the Ring Wraiths (Nazgul) are NOT frightening. I remember reading those books in the 6th-7th grades. I'd be reading on a cool fall day (like today was), outside somewhere, into the book, afraid for the characters. The Nazgul were SCARY. In the movie, they lack everything. I remember reading the book, feeling as if I were actually walking everywhere, on an adventure. Taking days and days to pass a mountain pass, not 3 ariel pans. Oh well. The movie is still great. And the actors are awesomely cast. However, the "pure" loving relationship between Arwen and Aragorn now hurts me. I swear, even with a few seconds of flashback in Two Towers, she looked at him with an undying love. I used to be looked at with that look, and doubt I will ever again. I dont think I could ever look at someone else in that way ever again either.
Saw an episode of Carnivale, as well, which is really gratuitous in both its sex plots / scenes and in its just general dialog. The show drags, and could be cut down EXTENSIVELY. I doubt i'll continue to watch it. Its no Sailor Moon Live Action (which I impatiently await each episode now). It dragged me in. All the characters act cute. I cant help it. During the opening, they're singing the theme song, and like Rei is the cutest while singing. Unfortunately, they replaced the constant hanging out at arcades with the Karaoke secret room instead, which angers me cause the Arcade attendant was the coolest character in the old animated series. Oh well, i guess they figured they'd sell more "C'est La Vie" (when pronounced in Japanese, frighteningly sounds JUST LIKE THEY'RE SAYING "SAILOR V!!") cd singles than any digitized live action Sailor V video games. :P The worst part about "C'est La Vie" is Aino Minako is the singer (Sailor Venus), so shes so Subliminal Messaging everyone going "HEY, I"M SAILOR V!!!!!!!" Its sick.
Yeah, well, end Sailor Moon Live Action rant. :P
Well, frelling, end BLOG entry then. I think I've lost any form of ranting for the current time. This probably should have been a LiveJournal entry, but I updated that already once today :P
Mood : In Memorium, of life once past.
Music : Rush - Time Stand Still
Quote : "Summer's going fast, nights growing colder
Children growing up, old friends growing older
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each impression a little bit stronger
Experience slips away
Experience slips away...
The innocence slips away"
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 02:19 p.m.
Yay. its like midday, and I'm feeling the need to update this. From last night, I felt that today was going to be bad, and it is.
I guess its the impending holiday, but I cant blame everything on that. I've been feeling this way for a while, just in small instances. Just today, its all overwhelming.
I feel like I need to break down and just cry, for a long time. I also feel that I need to throw up.
I cant bring myself to do either, Im just waiting for it to occur. Throught the day, i've almost broke down. Driving, walking, etc, i almost just break out in the open and cry. I wonder if tomorrow will be any worse.
Probably. I have nobody to talk to.
One of the radio stations played Helmet - Meantime today. It reminded me of early high school, and how I listened to that song, that album, a whole lot. It also reminded me of how I was the only thing in the world, and thats all that mattered. I've lost that individuality, and it took most of me with it. I doubt I'll ever get that back. Forever a shell of a person, eternally looking for distractions.
The radio station also played Metallica - One. That reminded me of when I was back in Seattle, after all this stuff happened. I was sitting watching Quantum Leap. The episode was where Dr. Beckett leaped into one of Vietnam's returned, a man who lost both his legs. Watching the episode, and all the people from that war that lost their lives, but still lived, I started to cry. For the whole episode, I understood. I understood what it was to lose your whole world in the course of one trip, hoping everything was a dream, and that you'd wake from it. Or that death would come and free you.
"I cant remember anything
cant tell if this is true or dream
deep down inside I feel to scream
this terrible silence stops me
now that the war is through with me
I'm waking up, I cannot see
that there's not much left of me
nothing is real but pain now
hold my breath as I wish for death
oh please God, wake me"
The Terminator is a great movie. If movies were still so low budget, so simplistic in visual design, I'd be happy. Trying to work on a film project, and worrying about production values, trying hardest not to have the film look like a student video project, damn. It sucks. I'm hoping using modern post production tools (i.e. a computer), much of that can be fixed. However, I lack the harddrive space to install and encode files to toy with (Stupid Anime and TV shows taking up space. I'm a damn archiver, thats my problem). Oh well. I'm hoping that by doing a continual story, in episodic form, that we'll circumvent the student film feel and look by enthralling the viewer with something they're interested in. Of course, this "project" only takes up , generally, an hour of my time a week, and i'm actually unable to come up with anything unless we sit down to specifically work on it, and even then, it takes me like an hour into sitting to actually come up with anything.
Because my life has been torn from me, and the void I live in encompasses the rest of my life.
Oh well, off to go stare some more.......because I feel like I SHOULD be doing something, but dont know what it is, and doubt I'll ever know.
Mood : In the "Holiday spirit". Yay. (Sarcasm)
Music : Puddle of Mudd - Blurry
Quote : "And you could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what your doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far"
"Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you when to run away..."
Thursday, November 20, 2003 11:26 a.m.
There are certain things that put me in a mindset. This is the best mindset in the world, something I used to enjoy, and try to achieve. In this viewpoint, everything is tangeable, yet, you move through time, space, life, and observe everything. Everything is interesting to look at, amazing in view. Something can be far away, yet, you feel as if its right next to you, viewing it from every angle, feeling its existence. A building. A tree. The moon.
You watch it all pass by you as you tragress past, closer to things. Billboards, shrubs, people. Everything.
This mindset...... I used to live in this for a while.
And during these times, its peaceful. Creativity flows free.
Back in Seattle, it was beautiful. Walking. Cold, brisk air. Observing everything. Waking up, walking to work, at dusk. Walking back from work, at night. Staying up, apartment lowly lit. Cleaned up, making room for everything, giving open spaces to what was otherwise a completely cluttered apartment. Sitting. Delerium - Semantic Spaces playing while Baby Universe is on the PS. Thinking.
I reachieved this while in Japan. Walking through streets, buildings everywhere, walking. Watching people walk past. Riding trains past rural areas. Buildings. Looking at every apt, every street, existing there for just a second, even though I was flying by at high speeds.
Things put me in this mindset. Interstella did as such. Baraka just did.
I used to adore this mindset. Visually, it helps me think. Movies, scenes. Cameras. Everything, I see clearly. Stories, plots, music.
Music puts me here as well.
Delerium - Semantic Spaces is a prime example of this.
However, I no longer enjoy it as I once did.
Creativity stems from my single emotional pool. Everything exists in the same emotional pool. Along with Creativity always comes every other emotion.
Primarily : Longing. Loss. Love. Sadness. Desire. Worry. Compasion. Fear. Concern.
Pain.
My life, without her.
As once, I used this frame of conciousness to find the imagination for a life that was to be, to look to a life desired, my future, now this frame of conciousness makes me not look forward, but backward, to a life that I had, the only true thing I really ever wanted, and now no longer have. A life with her.
Along with creativity comes pain.
I guess I'll have to learn to live with that as well....
....creativity isnt at my disposal. I am under its will....
..and at times like these, I have no choice but to accept it, and the torrent of everything else, clipping at its heels.
It is one of the most amazing feelings life has to offer. And so is having someone truely love you, and having them look at you....
....and right now, I cannot enjoy either of them.
Mood : Coming down.
Music : Delerium - Incantation
Quote : "Too late to scribe
Alive - on my soul
I'd rather hide - than fight you stealing my soul"
Tuesday, November 18, 2003 11:27 p.m.
Got back from watching Interstella 5555.
Simply put, the best Anime Music Video ever created. Some would argue, probably, On Your Mark might be better. I wouldnt. I've always been Scifi anyway, and Matsumoto's designs I've always liked more than Miyazaki.
Classic design style throughout, classic story aspects. Music. Its very Macross. I love Macross. I love this.
I think that after looking at some of the original Matsumoto paintings that I saw on exhibit in Japan, I respect this even more.
I think he used every character stereotype from the time in which he was writing his manga. It doesnt detract from anything. Those character types are around for a reason. They exist in every reality.
From the moment the film started, I was looking at beauty. I was listening to beauty. Both together was overwhelming, even though I've seen the first 4 parts repeatedly, even though I've been listening to this complete album for the 3? years its been out.
I began to cry.
There are subtle things in the film, in the telling of the story, that I doubt anybody in the theatre would ever get. Little things. The intensity in the main hero's eyes when his favorite band is taken away, when the woman he adores is stolen from him. The fact that he is willing to die for them, for her, and accepts that. His acceptance of that, when he wants to spend only a few mintues with her. And in those few minutes, peace.
Little things....
Like when the main hero touches the poster of her when answering the emergency call during "Digital Love".
Things that nobody will ever adore like I do.
And I have nobody to share these with. I wanted to talk about the film, discuss the film with someone, and share these thoughts with someone. I want to stare at the stars with someone, and imagine. Perfect storytelling. Dreams encaptured. The music and stories that make up a persons life. Like Macross is to me, this is as well.
The end of the film is perfect. It is how I felt throughout the entire film. Most probably find it "cute". I find it Genius. I find it Truth. It is how I always wanted to be. It has always been difficult, trying to remain that way. Right now, it is impossible. But I hold on, hoping it hasnt been destroyed inside me.
The mind of a child.....
.... and the imagination ....
Mood : Incomplete
Music : Daft Punk - Something About Us
Quote : "I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life."
Thursday, November 13, 2003 03:15 a.m.
Archived older things. I'm not sure I like this format of blog stuff, and things are getting "lost", however, they do exist somewhere. I think my custom HTML editing needs improvement. There were things that I needed to do, adjust, and havent been doing it, because I havent wanted to deal with this blog, with feelings in general.
But things always happen, and I can only avoid for so long.
Something new always comes up, and I start feeling bad, remembering things. This time, things were triggered, and I'm like, "THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!!?". Events happening, and I dont think I like where they're going to go. Cause nothing will probably become of this, and then it'll be even longer time WASTED in something futile, and hurtful to me, even though I'm no longer a part of it. But my heart still is. I cant unattach, no matter how much I try. I could be in another dimension, reality, and my heart would still be attached to these things. To her.
I still care for her too much.... and that needs to be destroyed, lest I go through more and more pain, for the remainder to my time in this path of time. Because no matter what happens, how things occur...... blah, I stop now. Thinking these things through to their "logical" end is something I do not currently need. I have enough to shield what is left of myself from.
So........ if I have a longer attention span than the 30 minutes it seems I have at any given time, maybe I'll clean this blog up, change some colors, etc, just so the wandering people doing google searches for "SNK VS CAPCOM CHARACTER MOVES" from Brazil, or "KAMEN RIDER EPISODE DOWNLOAD" people will have something more interesting to scroll through. Hell, I need to do a google search for "KAMEN RIDER EPISODE DOWNLOAD", I can start on more recent Faiz (555) eps, but I want to start from the beginning. Anyway.... pending I have this attention span, maybe one day I can update the music page, which I havent even touched since I was forced to move back down here. Then, whenever we get around to burning the cd's, I can do my Matrix : Revolutions scene by scene good and bad breakdown.
Blarg.
1 week till everything I've been looking forward to goes away and I"m left with a frelling holiday alone, and nothing else to look to. This weekend is Tron, midnight showing. Next week is Interstella. Joy. I havent been doing anything at all. Still no luck with the job search. This is terrible. Seriously. Not that I really want the drudgery of existing, etc, and only working, but with the disposable income, I can drink more, and eat more. The only joys in life anymore.
In a futile attempt to engulf myself in Japanese language in a final ditch effort to learn a language I have failed time and time again to learn in over 10 years, I am trying to play Record of Lodoss War : Advent of Cardice for DC, since its one of the few games i have that are heavy in written japanese, and I have nearly no memories of, so it hurts less out of all the options I have available. While I know that trying to translate everything is pointless, and I do not have the attention span for it, I am just scanning it to make sure that Kanji remain familiar in my head, while attempting to book learn like I have in the past. I used to be semi fluent in Kanji, Starting from the Soukaigi days and progressing, so I'm trying this technique again.
Other than that, I've been trying to attach myself to Frank, so I can just go and hang out...... and I watched him play KOTOR for like 6 hours or more this weekend. I enjoyed it, its like the stuff we used to do when we were kids, however, I usually was the one playing the games. Ronnie and I used to play games all the time in the same way. Of course, Kim and I used to as well, but I try to keep that as far from my mind as possible. I'm trying my best to not let memories of her take everything from me. I guess i've decided, in part, to salvage what I can of my previous self, instead of building myself again, with a "Brand New Name". Well, the latter remains to be seen. Speaking of which, time to change the MP3 on repeat :P
Watched "Traffic" today. I really dont understand how this movie was super critically acclaimed and got a bunch of awards. Sure, it was psuedo interesting, and the filming of it was done with no steadycam, grainy film, looking either DV or 16mm in parts, etc, etc, with blue filters for Washington storyline, and yellow for Tiajuana storyline, but overall, it wasnt supergreat. Just an ok story, told with little or no "action", and some cool dialog. Oh well, I guess i'll never understand critics. I guess thats why *I* thought Alien 3 was good. :P I guess thats why i'm, for once ever, sort of DEFENDING a Matrix movie. Ick. But i have to, because everyone else is dissing it. i dont understand... Only problem I had with Traffic, on a personal level, was this sex scene they had with this girl, who was all on drugs and stuff. I remembered then that I hadnt really seen a sex scene since this stuff happened, and avoided all movies with them in it. Actually, previously tonight, I was like, "well, they're playing Traffic, which I dont have an interest in seeing, but what else am I going to do. Wait, doesnt that have sex in it or something? Nah, I think its supposed to be mainly drug trafficing and action. Its steven soderberg (spelling is off). I'll just go see it to say that I saw it.". Yeah, well, I was right, only partially.
Sex still affects me. Why should it so much, even now, when she's not mine? Betrayal is a powerful feeling.
Blarg. I guess i'm back to rambling again. I guess better this than sitting dormant, staring. I still dont sleep well, tried to sorta sleep last night, and was wide awake at 5am, so Frank and I went to breakfast. At about 11am, I finally drifted off. I can sleep during the day much better. Probably because theres something in my head going "I should be out doing something",so its another way I can shirk off "responsibility". Every minute, I think about getting a job. Needing a job. Requirements for "living".
I like my TV show get away times. Downloading and watching episodes, even on this small monitor. Sad sad for my big monitor. Yay for Smallville, Enterprise, and 24. Yay for Sailor Moon Live Action. Its getting better, not as cheesy. I dont like the Sailor Transformations, I'd just rather they be in school or out in town the whole time. The battles are just boring. And the wigs are just like ick :P
Anything else new? Dont think so. Downloaded more music. Siouxsie and the Banshees Album I just remembered I d/led, and the new Britney Spears to just go "wow, ick, HEY, her and Madonna STOLE THAT FROM PRINCE + NPG!!!!!!!!!!!", and "This would be decent if there was a DIFFERENT SINGER!!", and so we can burn it and give it to someone as a joke. Yeah. Fun. Clone Wars cartoon started. It just leaves us going "damn, Lucas, you're a fuckup, This cartoon is better than both your frelling movies" :P And they're only 4 min episodes, and we've only seen 2 episodes.
My life revolves more around my computer now than ever before. Soul Calibur players are still trying to get me to play, and I'm still like "um.....this game makes me sick to play", but I have my Legend of Soul Calibur book by my computer. Cause the designs of Edge / Calibur still, I like. No matter how much the games hurt, I have to hold onto that. Somehow.
yeah, yeah, more rambling from me for all 3 people reading this. So, i'll end this now. Watch Azumanga Daioh if you havent, still. :P I started rewatching it. :P
Goodnight to you all, on your normal sleep schedules. I wont go unconscious for another 4 hours. Then begins another day of hiding....
And feeling that everything around is "surreal". That I exist, in the 3rd person. Following myself around....
Mood : Frelling Fantastic (TM) (Note : Sarcasm)
Music : Voltaire - Goodnight, Demon Slayer
Quote : "Goodnight, Demon Slayer, goodnight.
Now its time to close your tired eyes.
Theres devils to slay and dragons to ride,
If they see you coming, hell, they'd better hide,
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Goodnight, my little Slayer, goodnight."
Note : If I ever have children, or someone I love and put to sleep, this is a Lullaby I would sing to them, even though my singing voice is bad...
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